Over past few weeks I’ve been attempting to keep myself occupied by various things: reading, my new PS2, watching PGSM, Survivor, and Joe Schmo. All in all, it’s kept me somewhat sane. I mean, during this period I hit some new levels of happiness that I hadn’t touched in what seems to be years.

All of a sudden though, yesterday I felt this blanket of sadness suddenly taking over me. It’s taken me a while to try and figure out why the heck I suddenly felt this way. Now I think I know. Here I am, carrying this large amount of peacefulness, and I’ve been unable to share it with certain people in my life.

A lot of my friends have been happy about new healthy attitude I’ve taken. It’s great, man. But…people whom I thought were in my inner-posse, they’re just not there. In fact, they’ve been absent for far too long. That alone kind of tarnishes the shiny happy feelings I have.

Maybe nothing has changed at all and I’m just being paranoid and hypersensitive. That’s very much possible. If you, the reader, have been reading my logs for a long time, you’ll know that I’ve got some strong insecurities. This is all feeding into them. Then again, it’s also possible that suddenly people are wanting to distance themselves from me.

People wanting to distance themselves from me? Really? If that’s true, then at least have the decency to say so. I don’t want to be deceived. I’d rather be hurt all at once than to have an extremely long death to a friendship. The thought of that hurts most of all.

Oh well. I very much doubt that the people involved are reading this–but I suppose that’s OK. I’ve been making great strides in the “I’m greater than I give myself credit for” department. My sadness hasn’t dragged me down to another deep hole. I’m still feeling relatively sane.

I refuse to be taken for granted anymore.