Man, this sucks. It’s not a good way to end the month. Today, I sank into a nasty low causing me to just want to sleep the whole day away. I couldn’t do that though, of course, because there was just so much that needed to be done. In fact, I’ve just pitched in a load of laundry, and my room desperately needs to be tidied up.

Sadness has been a recurring theme in my entries–especially in this past month. And everytime I write about it, I inevitably come out feeling better with a renewed strength.

Why the bout of self-loathing? I honestly don’t know. It’s just an overall cloud of shittiness that’s hovering my head (and me without my umbrella). I don’t know. In church today there were several moments I was close to letting go. Luckily everyone’s facing forward. When I got home and took a look in the mirror, I noticed my eyes were red.

I’m really all right, I guess. I think I need these moments to perform a check on my current strengths that I’m trying to develop. What do I mean? Well, without sadness and questioning why I’m where I am, I really won’t know or come to appreciate the heights I’ve reached. I’ve come a damn long way from the depressive lows I’ve experienced since early on this past year. Sadness has become anger. Anger is a powerful tool. Perhaps today anger was leaning a bit too far into the hatred category. Hatred is not as good as anger. It’s prone to being clouded by distorted views of the situation, you know. I guess I realized that and tried to pull back and perhaps overcompensated.

Wow…that makes so much sense…it’s scary.

I’m truly angry. I’m mad at pretenses made in order to placate me. I’m mad at people “throwing me a bone”. I’m mad at people who will take friendships for granted and will assume my loyalty is unflinching.

Loyalty is one of my strengths. It’s also one of my curses. I’ve had trouble walking that fine line between being loyal and forgetting myself. In the end, I usually err on self-sacrifice. Now that I look at it, people have been taking advantage of it.

I have no idea how all of these revelations are going to manifest themselves in my actions over the next few months. It’s a start though. Frankly, this change is scaring me. It’s taking me out of perceived comfort zones and thrusting me into the terror of the unknown. Then again, what kind of “comfort zones” were they? Maybe it wasn’t a “true” comfort after all.

Ooh…that’s a tough question, eh?

If that’s truly the case, then it’s not just being thrust into the unknown, it’s also taking charge of who I am, and not letting other people decide for me. It’s such a painful process though, isn’t it?

To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me
-Alanis Morissette