Monthly Archive: December 2003

It’s only funny when…

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Mon. December 29, 2003

Heh. So I was sitting in the car just waiting around in the plaza parking lot when I see this guy come by with a skateboard. Clearly he was planning on doing some tricks on the concrete. Clearly there were signs saying that skateboarding was not allowed in the plaza.

He was ready to jump a bike rack. He made the approach, tripped, and tumbled hard on the metal grating. I heard the impact with the windows closed. Man, that guy was in pain! At first I thought about checking to see if he was alright, but then I thought…bleh, no. He was limping. He grabbed his skateboard and left. I’m sure he was pretty embarassed. Good thing.

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Spiritus

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Sun. December 28, 2003

Damn, don’t mind my rambling tonight. I’m sure some of this shit doesn’t make sense, but bear with me.

These past few days have been downright balmy. I’m telling you, it’s been so warm that there was absolutely no way anyone could have kept hope for a so-called white Christmas. It was as if we were stuck in October. Crazy.

Besides that, it seems that I haven’t been in a terribly festive mood. It just didn’t feel like…”Christmas”. Sure, I was with family. We ate and laughed a lot together. We exchanged gifts and were merry. Still, something just didn’t feel…right. I took pleasure in the fact that we had family all together. I didn’t however take in the whole Christmas feeling. Hell, the radio stations here have been pumping out the Christmas tunes non-stop since the beginning of the month. Enough is enough.

I’m not a kill-joy. I’m just…finding my own source from within–and that just didn’t happen to play into the whole red and green thing.

Heh. You know, I’m not ashamed to admit it, but there was one day whose collective Canadian mindset I so bought into. I was out bright and early on the 26th to take advantage of all the Boxing Day deals. I was about to line up for stuff at Best Buy. In the mall there was absolutely no line so I thought, “Damn, I’m early then.” Then I saw the sign that said “Exit Only”. Apparently, they wanted people to enter the store only from the outside entrance. When I turned the corner to take a look, I saw this massive line wrap around the store. At that point I just said, “Fuck it” and went looking for other stuff. You know, I read in the paper that Future Shop was selling DVD players for $39. How can you beat that? They were telling stories of people bringing lawn chairs and camping out since the night before. Me, I decided to just take on some of the clothing deals. I ended up getting a shirt from American Eagle and a pair of jeans from Old Navy. Great deals, man.

Today, my visiting relatives left. The house feels so empty without them. I miss them already. Luckily, I got my spirits up by having a group dinner with my University Circle of People. We headed out to a Greek restaurant in Brampton. It was great. We enjoyed ourselves. ORiginally the plan was to go to a restaurant that required some sort of dress code. I would’ve been all for that. Those plans were sort of cancelled, but regardless we went to someplace that required you to order from a menu. Cool stuff. Overall I felt confident and I think it showed. I believe I scared some of the people around me into taking me totally seriously, all while keeping a smile on. Man, that felt awesome. It also felt great to have the waiter give the bill to me. Actually, I was sitting in the middle of the long table, so that could’ve been it…but I’d like to think that I carried myself with *that* sort of air. Heh. Whatever.

Things have been good. Hopefully I can just cruise through these last few days of the year feeling refreshed and on the up and up.

Peace out.

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Faithful

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Tue. December 23, 2003

So Fr. Salandanan told this story:
It was around Christmas time in this one Catholic parish and the pastor was asking all of his parishoners to donate generously. Unfortunately for him, not much was given and so we was very worried.

One or two days later, this woman comes in and asks the priest, “Father, is it possible to get a blessing for my beloved pet?” The priest says, “No, sorry, we don’t do that here. But you know, there’s another denomination down the street that will probably do it for you.” The woman was disappointed, but thanked the priest anyway. “Thank you Father. I’ll probably need to make a donation for the services though. I wonder, is $50000 a good amount for such a service?” When the priest heard this his eyes lit up immediately. He then exclaimed, “Heavens, woman! Why didn’t you tell me that your dog was Catholic???”

Ever since the 16th there have been masses at 530 in the morning as part of a novena in preparation for the Christmas season. My mom has been making it a point to attend each one. She’s was urging me to go as well, so for two masses I dragged my ass out of bed at 430 and got ready. If I was just too tired to go, I just told her that I wasn’t up to it.

Why the preparation? Well, personally I’ve been meaning to give thanks for such a strange but fruitful year–especially the past month or so. I’m feeling…a bit unsettled to tell the truth. The new year is going to bring with it so many changes. I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is that I’ve started on a path of change and I haven’t yet reached the end point. Hell, I don’t even know where the end point is. I know though that I must continue evolving and bettering myself.

I will be on top.
I will do my best.

*sigh* Honestly I feel like I’m stagnating a tad. Maybe I’m just tired. I deserve a break after moving full-speed ahead.

Ah, oh well. Time to relax and enjoy the Holidays, then I’m heading back into battle mode.

Don’t get in my way.

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Floating

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Thu. December 18, 2003

I’ve been eating out everyday this week. I just don’t want to eat those microwaved beef patties anymore. Just thinking about them makes me gag. Yesterday, my boos took the group out to the Keg. It was to welcome the new students that are taking over the outgoing students’ jobs. That’s great, but you see, no one is taking over my job. We’re going from three temps to two. How the hell is this department going to survive? The short answer is that it won’t. They’ll be buried alive in work that can’t possibly be completed. Personally, I’ve taken over two jobs from the last term I was here. I think I’ve handled them well. Next term, my boss seems to want to take over my stuff. How the heck will he be able to take care of it? He’s always so busy with many other issues that he can’t possibly focus on stuff that I do.

I worry for the job. That being said, I don’t want to come back to this job. I’m just tired of the whole documentation business. It’s grating on the soul knowing that you’re pretty much at the bottom of the feeding chain. We continually beg people for information, only to be ignored. It’s disheartening.

I’m looking forward to the end of the term. My coworker and I stupidly insisted that we continue work until the 31st. One other guy said he would end his term this Friday. Smart bastard. I’m just about done all of my work, so I’m often sitting here trying to find things to clean up in my docs. I sit here staring blankly at the screen, waiting for the time to pass. I suppose that’s another reason why I like going out at lunch. It’s a reason to just get out of the building. I simply don’t want to be here.

I’m not sinking into a sad point. I’m just bored. I could be at home reading books, or cleaning my room. I could be writing my work term report right now. I could be doing a lot of other worthwhile things–but I’m not.

All things considered, there are only 6 more days after today. My boss is away for two of those days. I will survive this time of…emptiness.

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Highlights for the week

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Sat. December 13, 2003

Wednesday was an interesting day for me. I got stuck in a meeting that I absolutely did not have to be a part of. It was put in for an hour on my schedule. Frankly, it could’ve been shortened to a simple half hour. But no…my boss insisted on dragging it out to one and a half hours talking about a topic that wasn’t directly related. I was not happy about it at all. I hadn’t eaten lunch that day and I was definitely not in my happy place. So as soon as the meeting ended, I left. There was still a bood hour and a half left in the day, but I was just pissed. I left.

So, it was 4:30 pm, and I felt like doing something for myself, so I went to get a haircut. I was originally planning on letting my hair grow out longer just for the hell of it, but decided against it because it was just getting unmanageable. Anyway, over at the stylist’s place (notice, I didn’t say “barber” :) ) I was having a decent conversation with the woman who was doing the cutting. Off hand, she mentioned that I would look good getting highlights done. Now, this was something I had always considered but was…you know…intimidated by the idea, right? After a bit of thought I decided to go for it. Why not. Time for a change. I was just complaining recently that I wanted a different look for shits and giggles.

She used this new product of sorts. I asked if it was bleach, but she said that it wasn’t. I have no idea how it works. I mean, if it doesn’t bleach it, what the hell does it do?

She put this tight shower cap thingy on my head. She then proceeded to take this hook and stick it through little holes through the thing. When she first did it I sort of freaked out. I thought she was sticking some needle in my scalp. I thought, “freak, I’m not getting a hair transplant”. Then, I realized that she was really pulling strands of hair out through the holes. Funny. The dye was this bright yellow paste. I was worried about the brightness, I mean, I wanted highlights, not a neon sign for hair. When she was done putting the paste on I sat around reading mags for a good 20 mins. Then I was put under one of those salon dryers for another 10. Heh. It’s like one of those scenes on TV with the dryer bowl thingy going over the head. I thought that was awesome.

When time was up I headed over to the sink to get it all washed out. How nice, she even used shampoo and conditioner on my head. When she was done I got up and headed straight for the mirror. Holy crap, the shock! It looked pretty damn good.

When I came home I wasn’t really thinking about how my parents would react. They took it really well. My mom was laughing and was happy for me. Her words were, “My God, my son’s normal.” Gee, thanks. My father said that it was great too. Strange enough, every time he would talk to me he would do so while staring at my hair. It was odd. He still likes it though.

I was sort of prepping myself for how people at work would react to the hair. So far, everything has been positive. Well, either people don’t comment or say it looks good, so I’m satisfied.

Overall, it’s increasing my self-awareness. It’s a good thing. I needed another boost. Heh…other things are also giving me mini-boosts. My MSN avatar is a headshot of me in the leader gear: bandana, shades, black shirt, frowning, etc. She said that the pic was sexy. That’s a nice compliment. I didn’t know how to react except to say thanks.

What in the world is going on with me?

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We didn’t start the fire

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Wed. December 10, 2003

I was sitting in traffic listening to a random CD I just pulled out of my bag. A though popped into my head out of nowhere.

Somehow a fire has been lit inside me…

The words are still echoing inside my head and it’s sort of freaking me out. It’s true though. There’s something up. I haven’t quite figured it out.

I smile when I’m alone in the car. I smile when I’m on the bus and I find that I have to consciously make the effort to “neutralize” it in order not to freak people out. If my eyes look relaxed, I just look friendly and approachable when I smile. When I’ve got that focused look, I look overly devious/slightly psychotic when I smile. Somehow, I’m usually wearing that focused look. Also, I’ve somehow gotten out of the habit of wearing sunglasses so it’s all out there for people to see.

The pessimist in me is thinking, “Man, you are so going to crash and burn once someone bursts your bubble”. The optimist says “YES! This is where you’re meant to be!”

I’m confused. I’m not used to it. All I can do right now is to continue to burn my light as perfectly as possible.

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Anti-anti-social

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Mon. December 8, 2003

The past weekend our company had their Christmas party. It was at a banquet hall up in Markham–Crystal Fountain. Now, I was expecting some sort of dinky one floor building, so when I got to the building I was blown away by the luxuriousness of the interior.

Damn, this is a high-up company, I guess it’s only appropriate they’d have it someplace nice. As I was walking up the stairs, I was intimidated by the impressive chandeliers, the fancy art, and the nice carpet.

I was the first co-op student to arrive there so I pretty much just sat around waiting for other students to show up. The flier said that cocktails would start at 6 and dinner at 730. I arrived at around 630. Why were there so few people? The atmosphere didn’t lend to me loosening up. But, as soon as other students started arriving I felt more and more at ease. Then, after the first drink I was really feeling alright and was socializing without much problem.

To be honest, days before the event I was dreading showing up. I’m not sure what I was fearing at all. Actually, I *do* know, but like I said, I got over the fear pretty quickly. I hope I made a good impression on the others and their dates.

Well, a few of the guys brought dates. Heh. I wasn’t the only one though who didn’t bring a date…but yet I feel like people were surprised I didn’t bring anyone. While lining up at the bar I met my boss and his wife. He seemed kind of shocked that I didn’t bring a date. Actually, his exact words were, “So, you don’t have a girlfriend?” He had this disbelieving look on his face.

Well gee, might as well just take a ginsu and stab it right through my lower aorta.

Actually, I didn’t feel too bad. A few others didn’t bring dates either…but no one questioned them about it. Why the fuck not?

Other people were asking me about it. Hell, even my parents were questioning it. My mom saw the flier for the party and said “It says you can bring a guest, and you’re not bringing anyone???”

Holy crap. Not you too!!

Heh. I know. Such a handsome guy like me (bah!) without a date? Joking aside, I had a few people in mind but just never got around to it by the time I had to RSVP. Pity.

So that was my weekend. I’m not as anti-social as I would imagine myself to be. I’m still stuck in that mindset that I’m a incorrigible introvert, but people keep telling me otherwise. One of these days I might just believe them.

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I’m late!

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Thu. December 4, 2003

I woke up the morning all groggy wondering what the time was. I often get a ride with my neighbours to the train station. It saves me from having to walk on unpaved paths by the side of the road. They usually leave at 730am. I rolled over and grumbled mightily when I saw that the time was 721am.

So, I ran all around trying to get my things together. I ran downstairs and managed to forget to turn off our security alarm. Bleh. I nearly freaked when I noticed that the alarm was still on. Luckily, I didn’t set it off…which is odd when you’ve got a big lumbering guy like me scrambling down the hallway.

I made it out on time. No worries.

It’s a new day.

Oh yes, absolutely, it’s a new day. I’m riding a wave of optimism right now. So far everything is going alright. I’ve picked myself up a mantra of sorts when my mind goes astray and wants to drag me down into issues I’d rather not touch. I just repeatedly think “I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care…” and it blocks absolutely everything out. It’s working rather well, and I hope that it continues to do so.

Why the month title of “Phoenix”? I didn’t even realize I had made the connection, but I suspect that I thought of it subconsciously after reading the Horoscope a few hours ago.

Quote:

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

Everything is fraying at the edges and will eventually turn to dust. But from this dust will come fresh forms to start a new life. So what you deem as failure is that very dust from which a new episode of your life has already begun.

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