I’m now sitting at home, slowly getting reacquainted with simpler pleasures, like not having to worry much about food. Silly, isn’t it? I weighed myself recently, and it seems that I lost 7 lbs during this time period. I’m sure I’ll get it all back and hit my usual equilibrium soon enough.

I spent a lot of my studying time in prayer that everything would be fine. I hit a low point on Monday. I was absolutely petrified of not doing well. Those were not good times.

After my last exam I visited the two heads of orientation week. The time I spent feels “lost”, know what I mean? So, in truth, I went to visit to catch up. I almost felt guilty for not doing much during that time. Is that a normal feeling? Yeah, I guess it is. Someone joked before that any sense of guilt I have is probably a result of my Catholic upbringing. Honestly that’s bullshit, and I’d rather not blame things on my religion. Anyway, this guilt just stemmed from putting burdens on other people’s shoulders. People say they don’t mind, but…well, I could have been in a position to relieve some of their pressure.

But then I’d die if I did.

Anyway, the guilt didn’t last long.

That day, I was sort of a walking zombie. After the visit, I headed for the plaza for a quick meal, and then I went home. I made plans a few days earlier to go out and get a big roast and cook up a big meal for everyone. I knew my roommates would’ve been studying for an exam, but I told them in advance and they said they’d be there. Anyway, at about 6 I forced myself to get up and walk to the grocery store. At that point I had only received about 3 hours sleep…which is not enough considering all the time I lost. Walking to the store was odd. It felt like I was floating. In the market I perused the meat section and settled on this big slab of prime rib. I figured that I’d go all out because I wanted to treat myself. I also bought a bunch of asparagus as well as a litre of mint chocolate swirl ice cream. Let me tell you, I went all out. I wanted to eat well, and I wanted to celebrate with friends.

So I brought it all back. I started cooking at about 6. The roast was done during American Idol, so I’d say it took 2.5 hrs. Let me tell you, it was about the best damn roast I had ever made–prime rib, man! After slicing it up I sat in front of the TV munching happily on what I cooked. I was also waiting patiently for my roommates to arrive. After a little while I phoned one of them to see where they were. As it turns out they were all in the library going over an exam. They were all hacking away at the same exam for the past 5 hrs. So yeah, they didn’t join me.

I mean, I understand. They had an important exam the next day where as I was free. Honestly, it’s absolutely my fault for setting myself up for disappointment, you know? Part of me figured something like this was a good possibility, but I went ahead anyway. I’d be lying though if I said I wasn’t hurt.

The next day was moving day. I didn’t get to say goodbye to the girls. I managed to say goodbye to Steve, but honestly, it wasn’t as warm a goodbye as I was intending either. Here he is, heading to the other side of the country, and he would’ve left with a simple so long. I had to extend my hand to initiate the handshake, and the cold platonic hug. And so, there he goes–would-be “best friend”, but not mutual so I won’t use that term for fear of rejection–off again, not to be seen again until September.

This is my life right now. There’s a lot to be thankful for…but maybe it’s in my nature to dwell on the crappy things.

I’m glad to be home. It’s an escape. I start work on the 26th, so I have some time to compose myself. I want to be happy…but at this point it just seems so far off on the horizon.