Over dinner, my parents somehow wrangled me into a discussion that we’ve had many times before. Each time I’ve given the same answer. After each occurrence you’d think that I’d be perhaps a step closer to finding an answer, but the truth is I don’t think I’ll ever know.
The discussion is about why I dislike my current job. There have been many times in the past few weeks where I’ve come home tired, and occasionally disgusted with where I’m at. Currently, my main complaint is that I’m perhaps not getting enough work–or perhaps that I’m sort of underutilized. That’s not a problem, I suppose. My father likes to argue that I’m just a co-op student (a “temp” with a four month contract) and so I shouldn’t expect to be put on large projects or what not. I understand that. I’m not expecting to be thrown onto some huge stressful project. I’m just complaining that I’m consistently bored.
Boredom is the root of many of my problems. I do end up asking for more work–I have to or else I’d go crazy. Thing is, the people I get work from are themselves extremely busy people. At times I’d visit and they say they’ll get to me in a little while. A little while later, I’m still waiting. Now, I understand that they’re busy people. A few times before I would go back, and there they would be looking busy or panicked. I’ve just learned to be patient. When they do arrive, often the new work/new task part gets deferred to the next day. Then, the new task is often simple and easy to take care of. What does that mean to me? I’m back to wear I started pretty quickly.
While I’m waiting I do occasional surfing. Normally I wouldn’t feel bad, but with so many people passing by my cubicle rushing to meet deadlines, and talking about important matters, I feel enormously guilty. In the end, I often end up pretending to look busy. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder.
This brings up something that irks me when I explain this to other people. They always tell me, “you’re getting paid to surf? I wish I had your problem.” Well damn, that’s not the point. I don’t feel like I’m earning my buck. Why did they hire me? Why am I there? Why are they “investing” money in a schmo like me?
Perhaps I’m letting guilt take over for no good reason. While my supervisor was talking to me, my boss walks by and asks me “are you sure you have enough work?” Well damn, why don’t you just stab me right in the chest? Maybe it’s in my mind, but early on my boss used to smile at me sometimes. Now, it’s almost as if he’s got a disdainful look.
Nah, it’s in my mind.
People tell me that I shouldn’t feel guilty. It’s their fault for not keeping me busy. True, I suppose. Still, how much of it falls on me? I can keep asking for more stuff, but…I don’t want to be like a dog having to beg for scraps. I’ve got my pride, you know? Ah, that’s not to say that my work isn’t important. In fact, it is pretty important to future products.
But still.
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