I can’t help but put an ECE related term as the title. It was floating around in my head.
Last night I had a bit of a heated/long disucssion with a few friends. It stemmed from them trying to cheer me up. I mean, for various reasons I was sinking back into one of those sad states I so frequently find myself in. Self-loathing sucks donkey ass with a heavy bowel movement. I easily came up with excuses as to me Jason sucks, and just as easily they shot them down and chalked it up to human-ness.
Jason is human. Who knew?
In all seriousness though, I’m trying to find happiness. However, it’s elusive. It’s like it’s always just out of reach. I envy people who claim to be happy and high on life. Who would envy my position?
Apparently, it’s pretty obvious to people around me. One of the friends I mentioned stated that I always seem like I’ve got something weighing on my mind causing me to get unhappy. I could argue with that point, but in the end, that’s the truth. I’ve got a million fears that slow me down. I’m trying to run, but it’s like I’m in some viscous gelatinous ooze that’s making me run like I’m in a slo-mo replay.
Yo, I can almost hear the sloshing “squish squish” noises. That was silly.
One of the many fears is the fear of being alone. I’ve mentioned that I’m more social than I would normally claim to be. So, being a hermit like character is scaring me. It’s not helping that a close friendship that I had is now on its final legs.
Part of me wants to take a sledgehammer and break those last legs. The other part is sad to see it go. Why do friendships end like that? Don’t know. We just sort of drifted apart, I guess. This is one of the things fuelling my fear, man.
I know better in a lot of cases. I’m not alone; I’ll never be alone. It’s just…when it almost feels like the world has turned its back on you, you start to wonder about things. You mull and you mull, and brood on occasion. You over-think. I’m guilty of that. I fear that one day if I don’t stop I might end up doing something I’ll regret. I doubt I’ll reach that far, but even thinking about it…proves that it’s a possibility, no matter how remote. Then again, it’s also possible I’d be struck by lightning.
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