There are times when I wish I didn’t seem so big and didn’t take up a lot of space. I’m pretty broad shouldered. I’ve got a large head. I sometime get conscious about it on the bus and try to shrink when I’m sitting next to people on the bus. In the end, I’m still conspicuous.
From the hospital parking lot I walked over to the bus stop. The bus bay area at the hospital is long enough for three buses. There is a bus shelter with benches inside, as well as a park bench outside. I normally sit on the park bench because frankly I enjoy the open air. Today though, the bench was wet with morning dew, so I chose not to sit there lest I get an uncomfortably moist ass. Over at the shelter was this woman just standing at its entrance. I wanted to sit on the bench, so I said “excuse me” and ducked in.
I sat down and proceeded to stare at the hazy sky through the glass panes. The woman, gives me a look, and then proceeds to walk away from the shelter and to the far end of the bus bay. I thought nohting much of it. I mean, she was even greeting some of the nurses and doctors that were passing by. It seemed like she was waiting for the bus that usually arrived a few minutes before mine. Today was different though. My bus was the first to arrive–which struck me as odd, but again I thought nothing of it. When I sat down on the bus, I look out the window, and there was the woman resuming her position at the entrance of the bus shelter.
It’s moments like these that make me terribly self-conscious. I don’t smell. I’m not violent and speaking in tongues. What gives? Is she xenophobic? Does she have a fear of strangers? Maybe a fear of ethnic people? At this point all I can do is attempt to assure myself that it’s not my fault. I did absolutely no wrong. All I wanted was to sit in the bus shelter. Still, my self-esteem is bruised. I don’t deserve to be made to feel dirty and unwanted.
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