Accolades

“Oh we’re so proud of you”

Eh. I got quite a bit of this from many relatives while I was in New York. No matter how many times I hear it, it still makes me feel rotten.

Back in the day, back in high school and elementary school, I enjoyed hearing it. I knew I was on the right track. It told me that whatever I was doing academically, just keep doing it because it’ll pay off. In the end, it did pay off. I managed to get into a reputable university. I’m can now pay my own tuition bill. I’m pay for housing when I’m in Waterloo. I still have cash to spare after the fact. I was discussing this over dinner with my parents the other day. They’re greatful that they don’t have to worry about paying for my studies.

I’m blessed.

At the same time, things have changed. As is the nature of university, I’ve been put in charge of my own learning. As it turns out, I’m not as good a student as I used to be. In fact, I’d say that I’m lazy. I work hard to keep up with projects and things, but in the end I really have no “drive.” I’m staying afloat (somehow), and I’m getting by. In comparison to so many others in the same boat as I am, am I really someone to be proud of? I don’t think so.

Speaking with the people in the lower rungs of the class (there are about 130 of us), one of our favourite passtimes is commiserating about how good at school we once were. We marvel at our superpowers. Watch us expertly bring the class average to lower levels! Marvel at us bearing the burden of the lower rankings!

We are broken people. And yet, people are still proud.

It makes me wonder. What if my relatives knew the full story? Would they still put so much faith in me? If I’m honest with myself, in my heart, I know the answer.

Of course they would be. Heh. They probably wouldn’t be gushing…but support would be unwavering. My parents know most of what’s going on with me. They still support me. They’re still embarassingly proud. Their coworkers know me by name, I’m sure. Their vision of where I’m at is so realistic, it boggles me.

“Just as long as you finish.”

Hearing that makes me feel a bit at ease. Now if I can only squash my feeling of guilt.

No related posts.