Aging

Whenever I take the bus to work in the morning, my father always comes around with the minivan after work to pick me up. I’m very appreciative because it means I get home in half the time instead of having to shell out $4.50 to take three buses. When he arrives, he shifts over to the passenger seat and lets me drive home–we get home faster that way.

Over the past few days, I’ve been down and feeling unsure about what I’m doing with myself and my life. I’m sure it’s been a bit visible in my past entries. It’s also been quite visible on my face. Over dinner, my parents repeatedly notice my contemplative demeanor and ask what’s wrong. The discussions that follow tend to be humorous and sometimes sarcastic. They’ve obviously had a great effect on my personality (whose parents don’t?).

Anyway, in the van, I’d be concentrating on the road, but having various conversations with my father. Lately, he’s been using one topic more often than I’ve noticed in the past. It kind of irks me to even think about it.

“Your mom and I aren’t going to live forever. When I die…”

Whoa man, what? Now, as in the past, the topic hasn’t really been about dying itself. He brings it up whenever we talk about our new house, and how he wants it to be as nice as possible so then when his time comes I’ll have something great. That’s good and all. It hasn’t bothered me before, but with my mood over the past while, it’s a bit of an alarm call.

My parents are getting older. I’m getting older. The idea that I’m going to be 30 in 6-7 years hit me like a brick wall the other day. By then, my parents will be X and Y years old, and THAT REALLY SCARES ME. 2010 is just around the corner. DAMN! There’s so much that I should be able to accomplish in this time frame. It’s just that I can’t predict what the next few years will bring. Hell, who can? I feel like I’ve got a long way to go in many aspects. How does anyone manage?

The unknown scares me.

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