Monthly Archive: February 2005

Aging

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Thu. February 17, 2005

Whenever I take the bus to work in the morning, my father always comes around with the minivan after work to pick me up. I’m very appreciative because it means I get home in half the time instead of having to shell out $4.50 to take three buses. When he arrives, he shifts over to the passenger seat and lets me drive home–we get home faster that way.

Over the past few days, I’ve been down and feeling unsure about what I’m doing with myself and my life. I’m sure it’s been a bit visible in my past entries. It’s also been quite visible on my face. Over dinner, my parents repeatedly notice my contemplative demeanor and ask what’s wrong. The discussions that follow tend to be humorous and sometimes sarcastic. They’ve obviously had a great effect on my personality (whose parents don’t?).

Anyway, in the van, I’d be concentrating on the road, but having various conversations with my father. Lately, he’s been using one topic more often than I’ve noticed in the past. It kind of irks me to even think about it.

“Your mom and I aren’t going to live forever. When I die…”

Whoa man, what? Now, as in the past, the topic hasn’t really been about dying itself. He brings it up whenever we talk about our new house, and how he wants it to be as nice as possible so then when his time comes I’ll have something great. That’s good and all. It hasn’t bothered me before, but with my mood over the past while, it’s a bit of an alarm call.

My parents are getting older. I’m getting older. The idea that I’m going to be 30 in 6-7 years hit me like a brick wall the other day. By then, my parents will be X and Y years old, and THAT REALLY SCARES ME. 2010 is just around the corner. DAMN! There’s so much that I should be able to accomplish in this time frame. It’s just that I can’t predict what the next few years will bring. Hell, who can? I feel like I’ve got a long way to go in many aspects. How does anyone manage?

The unknown scares me.

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Jóga

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Wed. February 16, 2005

Jóga
by Björk

All these accidents that happen follow the dot
Coincidence makes sense only with you
You don’t have to speak
I feel emotional landscapes
They puzzle me then the riddle gets solved
And you push me up to this state of emergency
How beautiful to be!
State of emergency is where I want to be

All that no one sees, you see what’s inside of me
Every nerve that hurts, you heal deep inside of me
You don’t have to speak
I feel emotional landscapes
They puzzle me and confuse, then the riddle gets solved
And you push me up to this state of emergency
How beautiful to be!
State of emergency is where I want to be

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Love is a mental disorder

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Wed. February 16, 2005

I’m quoting a blog entry by Raien written last October. I find this perspective very amusing. My apologies for lifting is straight out of there. :)

The topic of our conversation revolved around love. I compared love to a mental disorder. I remember one of my psych. prof’s mentioning this in lecture. It was probably my abnormal psych. prof who mentioned it. Love is like a mental disorder because when you’re in love you lose control and you’re irrational. You’re blinded by it, you tend to ignore your significant others flaws even though under normal circumstances it would irritate you, you do things and say things that you wouldn’t normally say or do and you put yourself at risk for emotional pain. If you think about the symptoms of depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and addictions you’ll see that love has some similar qualities. Like in bipolar disorder when in love you may experience periods of mania like when you feel unstoppable or high on love and depression when you feel rejected or neglected. Love is like an addiction. You just can’t get enough of it and you constantly crave it like a drug but once it’s gone you go through withdrawl with periods of wanting it back and knowing you’re better off without it.

By the way, hopefully these comments don’t offend anyone because I know how serious and difficult mental disorders are especially after taking abnormal psych. and to anyone who is in love don’t take these comments seriously. Love can be a wonderful experience. It’s just that at the moment this is my perspective on love.

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CRUNCH

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Tue. February 15, 2005

Holy crap.

I just found out I have until the end of the month to do two tasks which should have been explained to me a little while ago…except that they haven’t been explained, and the guy who was supposed to is now away for the whole week. I’m on my own. Yo, what the hell?

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Do You Have a Type A Personality?

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Mon. February 14, 2005

You Have A Type A- Personality
A-
You are one of the most balanced people around
Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want
You rule at success, but success doesn’t rule you.When it’s playtime, you really know how to kick back
Whether it’s hanging out with friends or doing something you love!
You live life to the fullest – encorporating the best of both worlds

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Red Day

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Mon. February 14, 2005

You know, I was going to write out a whole bitter litany yesterday about why this time of year is grating on the nerves. I decided to cancel the entry though, on the ground that I’ll just end up sounding like some bitter ass who just doesn’t have a significant other.

I suppose it’s too late for that now.

So, anyway, to those that have loved ones, Happy Valentine’s Day. No, seriously, I mean it.

To the rest of us fools, well, I guess the goal is to get by today without feeling like crap. It’s such a wonderful thing to be in love. No, I currently don’t have a girlfriend. I do have my share of crushes, but, like a fool, I’m just stuck hoping for cues that there may be hope for a connection. To be honest though, the hope is dying. So many times I’ve been banished to the abyss of the friend zone that, well…it’s almost not unexpected anymore.

I’ve read some blogs out there that claim that people who keep hope are fundamentally weak, thinking that pairing up with someone will somehow complete the person. There’s a hint of truth to it, however, interestingly enough, these same people already have loved-ones they can rely on. So, the slice of truth becomes slathered with a thick layer of hypocrisy. There’s nothing wrong with hoping for a girlfriend or boyfriend. It’s natural to want to have someone close that you can share life with. However, when that hoping leads to paralysis, then that’s where the problem lies. It’s generally an indicator of other issues, perhaps self-esteem related, right?

Again, I don’t have a girlfriend right now. It would be great if I had one. There’s so much of me that I want to share. Still, whatever happens, happens. So many times I’ve heard that if someone tries to force the hand of fate, they’ll just end up getting bitch slapped on a cosmic scale (well, not in those words…but I like my wording). So, I’ll just have to sit patiently and live my life as best I can, as I am now.

But still. Just once in a while, I have to ask. Is there anyone out there?

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Repeat

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Fri. February 11, 2005

Wow, I’ve just been reading through some of my past journal entries. First order of business is to apologize for my last entry “Paid to surf“. I’m aware that I talk about the issue often. I’ve confirmed it now that I’ve gone through older entries. “Paid to surf” is very similar to my entry entitled “Paying my dues“. My apologies.

As I read through, it brings back memories of the different times and places I’ve written about. All the emotions I was feeling at the time come flooding back like the events had just happened. In some cases, I know that what I wrote down was missing a lot of raw emotions that I didn’t want to make public at the time. For example, camping in 2003 is oddly missing a lot of nasty feelings I had at the time. Why? Why was I trying to hide my feelings? It’s strange. In wonder, have I changed enough to not care whether I offend anyone? I don’t think so. I do believe that I’m still attentive as to who might be reading what I write. That’s normal, I suppose. At the same time, however, I’m more ready to be frank and upfront about a lot of things. I guess I should be more detailed.

I’ve also noticed that themes of depression and themes of empowerment are prevalent in certain time frames. I find it interesting to note events that may have triggered sudden times of optimism and pessimism. There usually is some sort of catalyst event that gets everything running.

I think as I read through, it gives me a better understanding of who I am as a person. This is despite that fact that I’ve already lived through all these events. Reading back just gives me an opprtunity to analyze and scrutinize from the point of view of a spectator. You can’t place a value on that.

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Paid to surf

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Fri. February 11, 2005

I’ve written so many times about hating work. No, nothing has changed. Perhaps though, I’d like to explain the sources of my frustration.

After all this time, I’m still working on the exact same project that I’ve been bitching about since the new year. I’ve made progress. Seriously. The sim runs and produces output. I passed parts of the output by the guy giving me work, and he thought it was fine. Hurrah! I thought I was done and ready to move on to another project. I was informed a few days ago though, that the that the outputs that I was looking at, although perfect, weren’t making it all the way through to the final output. What I was looking at was really a midway test point.

Blah. So, I’ve been spending the last week and a bit attempting to figure out why the output isn’t making it all the way through. Doesn’t sound like a bad thing, no? The thing is, no one has really been able to give me any definitive answers as to what’s going on. In fact, it really seems like no one knows. Now, I’m not expecting them to hand me the answer on some silver platter…but I really wish someone could at least point me in the correct direction. I’ve had to test things on my own by changing various parameters and seeing how the changes affected the result. Again, it doesn’t sound all that bad, however, when I run the cursed thing it takes perhaps 2 hours before the file I’m looking for is produced. During that wait, I really have nothing else to do but to sit and stare at the screen hoping that it will be the last time I’ll have to run the thing.

I think what gets me most is the downtime. During the whole day, I can perhaps run the thing 4 or 5 times. In the meantime, I try to find way to pass the time. You might catch me surfing, or working on my website. Doing that now and then isn’t a bad thing, but I’m feeling downright guilty now. I really despise it when people point out “Oh, but you’re being paid to surf”. No! I’m not being paid to surf. I’m being paid to do good work, which I’m not doing enough of, through no fault of my own. It’s my damn conscience that’s making things a bit miserable.

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