Monthly Archive: March 2005

Analysis of My Immortal

When my aunt visited this past weekend, while washing dishes we somehow got into a discussion over the lyrics of the song My Immortal by Evanescence. She had seen the video with Amy Lee lying on the roof of a car and spoke about how it looks like sh’es gone insane or something. I was happy to know that my aunt took the time to listen to the lyrics properly and figure out what the song was all about. So many people mistake the song for being one about an undying love of sorts. That may be true on a very shallow level, but ultimately it’s about a woman who’s having trouble letting go of someone.


My Immortal
by Evanescence

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along


OK. “I’m so tired of being here/Suppressed by all my childish fears” seems to speak of fears of rejection or being alone. These fears generally disappear with age and experience. She says that she’s tired of being supressed by these fears. This perhaps indicates that she’s in a state of paralysis; unable to act for fear of being abandoned or hated.

“And if you have to leave/I wish that you would just leave/’Cause your presence still lingers here/And it won’t leave me alone”. I would guess that the person in question isn’t physically around her. “Your presences still lingers here” is a good indicator that he’s been long gone. That would mean that it’s all in the singer’s mind. She wishes that his memory no longer festered in her mind. The thing is, he may show up in passing, or he may be on the other side of the road minding his own business, and just the mere sight of him brings back a flood of emotion in her.

Skipping to the next verse, “You used to captivate me/By your resonating light/Now I’m bound by the life you left behind” shows just how much effect the person in question had on her life. That “resonating light” she talks about comes from the idea that he was like a beacon that gave her comfort. If he wasn’t so grand, she wouldn’t have been so captivated by the light. Unfortunately for her, he became more and more like a crutch. Eventually, even though his feelings may have changed, the singer has become so accustomed to him being her support that she’s now stuck with him. He left behind his feelings for her, or his previous life, and she’s paralyzed as a result.

“Your face it haunts/My once pleasant dreams/Your voice it chased away/All the sanity in me” She can’t let go of her support. Her love’s face sticks in her mind and turns her dreams into nightmares. Perhaps it’s because as much as she wants to hate him, she’s still stuck and infatuated with the old image she had of him. She is unable to reconcile the two images and it’s making her crazy. She also remembers words of love that her love spoke to her. The words still echo in her mind, despite the fact that he has left her. The dichotomy between the bastard that abandoned her and the ideal love whose voice soothed her has taken over her mind and has made her crazy.

“These wounds won’t seem to heal/This pain is just too real/There’s just too much that time cannot erase”. The hurt that she perceives still seems to be raw. That would be the case if she had once idealized her love as “the one” only to have him leave. She’s saying that there are things that the passage of time won’t cause her to forget (no matter how hard she tries). My immediate reaction is that she wants to forget all the painful events causing her to ache. However, there is also evidence that she may be trying to forget all the time and effort she invested in him. She is trying to forget how much she cared for him in an attempt to let go of the source of the pain. This can be seen in the chorus of the song.

“When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears/When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears/And I held your hand through all of these years/But you still have all of me” Earlier in this analysis, I stated that she seems to have needed him for emotional support. From these lines, it can be seen that the support was mutual. She was there for him during his trying times. Maybe she fed off of the feeling of being needed. It made her feel wanted. However, it seems that the guy had grown stronger and no longer needed her for the same support he once did. He no longer needed her, adding to her feelings of being unneeded. The last line in the chorus is quite telling in the subtle wording. If she was still comfortable at her level of emotional investment, the line would have been “And you still have all of me.” The use of “But” tells me that she feels that even though she’d spent so much time and energy, she still feels like she has to be emotionally available to him even though she’s wanted to be free. In the end, it’s making her crazy that she feels like she has no control.

The last line sums it all up. “I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone/But though you’re still with me/I’ve been alone all along”. Even though he’s been long gone, he still has a place in her mind. She’s been obsessing with him to the point where it’s like he’s taken over. Despite all that, she knows that it’s up to her alone to solve the problem. She just can’t bring herself to come to terms with the fact that he no longer cares. Most likely, it’s because she still holds the idealized image of him in her mind. She still clings to the hope that one day he’ll prove that she was right, but deep down she knows otherwise.

So yeah, that’s my analysis of the song. As you can see, this isn’t so much a love song as it is a post-love, I wanna let go, but I can’t (DAMN YOU!) song.

Moving cubicles

My world is shrinking
Renovations

Well, I had originally thought that I wouldn’t have to move, but my time finally came yesterday. A couple of days before, a manager from another department came by my cubicle asking whether I was willing to move or not. He basically stated that his department actually owned the cubicle I was in. I thought it was a power play since every co-op that has worked in my department has been in my cubicle. Of course, I didn’t just come out and say it. I just stated that this was the first I’ve heard about having to move.

Interestingly enough, the manager thought my name was Ivan Tiemoff. He didn’t seem to rememeber me at all–why should he? Although, we had first met back when I was still working in the technical writing department…which was…Fall 2003? We’ve crossed paths a few times, and yet, nothing. I called him on it too. I told him that we had met before many times, and he seemed surprised.

Bastard.

Anyway, he left my cubicle saying that he would talk to my manager. I wasn’t too happy because I was quite afriad that I would be relegated to some crappy dirty cubicle in the middle of nowhere.

Yesterday, the guy comes back and knocks on my cubicle. He says that my manager was going to drop by my cubicle to tell me where to move, and that he wanted me to move out by the end of the day. I was in no position to disagree. I wanted to meet with my manager anyway because I never get to see the guy, and he never stops to chat. Meh. Co-ops get no love, I tell you. When I met with him, he told me that there were two cubicles available at the far end of the office, and that I can choose whichever one. Well, no kidding, those cubicles were isolated.

So, truthfully, I’m now in a quiter part of the office, which is fine with me because less people walk by this area, meaning that I don’t have to be constantly looking over my back in paranoia. It also means that I don’t have to listen to annoying voices of some other people in my old area. Also, it’s a shorter walk over to my middle-manager’s cubicle.

So, I guess I got a good deal. Either that or I’m at least trying to put a bad situation in a better light.
Whatever. I think I like my new place.

Cart before the horse

New TTC Fares

As of March 6th, the TTC has raised the price of adult bus fare to $2.50. A fare hike has long been predicted, and honestly I’m surprised it took this long before it actually happened.

Bulk ticket prices have also gone up, but not by much. Previously, a set of 10 tickets cost $19. It’s no been upped to an even $20, meaning that I no longer get that lone loonie back when I buy a set. No matter, $2 for a ticket is somewhat reasonable. People can still use the old tickets, as long as they slip a dime in with a ticket to cover the difference. I personally still have a lone ticket, so I can use that next time I have to take the bus.

It takes two tickets for me to get to work due to the whole fare zone business when I cross the border. So, knowing that I’ll have to take the bus tomrrow, I ventured out during this past lunch hour to the city border. I can’t get TTC tickets outside of the city. As much as it’s a bit of an irritant, it makes sense.

So, I went to a mall at the city border. I wasn’t really sure where the nearest ticket vendor was, so I just wandered around until I spotted a counter that sold tickets. When I asked the lady for a set of 10, she looked at me and said that she didn’t have any tickets. I wasn’t expecting that repsonse, so I guess I had this confused/dumbfounded look. She explained that the old tickets were no longer available (I understand), and the new tickets weren’t distributed out yet. I asked here if there was another place that sold tickets, and she said she wasn’t sure. The way she was talking about it, it led me to believe that the new tickets hadn’t yet been distributed out ot the majority of the 1200 authorized vendors across the city. All I could say was, “that’s just silly.” She replied, “that’s what I’ve been syaing all day.”

Now, I fully expect that tickets will be available at the subway stations. I have no reason to believe otherwise. However, the new fares went into effect on Sunday. It’s already the day after, so it should be reasonable for me to believe that new tickets would have been delivered to most, if not all, authorized vendors. Maybe it’s just my luck for choosing the one vendor that didn’t yet receive tickets, but, still…it almost seems a bit lazy on the part of the TTC. It’s not fair for me to say that though, because I still haven’t checked out other vendors.

It’s mildly irritating, but I guess I’ll have to take the long route to work tomorrow, having to make a stop at the Scarborough Town Centre, and adding about an hour to my commute.

Vaughan Mills sucks

I’m sluggish, and find it tough to swallow. I really shouldn’t be at work, but here I am. So far, it doesn’t seem contagious. I mean, I’m not coughing or hacking up any projectiles, which is a good thing.

This weekend was great. My aunt came to visit from Brampton. I hadn’t seen her since last year. I took her and my mom to Vaughan Mills, just to check out the new mall. I can now say that I hate that mall. It’s a nice concept place. The colours inside are eye-catching, and it has an overall artistic feel. Beyond that, it’s crowded, the food court seats are too closely spaced together (VERY poorly designed) and it’s too damn long. It’s just a big loop, so as I was walking around it I couldn’t help but complain in my mind, “oh hell, am I even close to the other end yet?” By the end, my mother was hobbling around in pain as well from all the walking. We both have flat feet, so this wasn’t a pleasant an experience.

It’s an interesting place to visit, but I don’t plan on going back.

Boredom is barricading me

Uh-huh.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

The exhaustion you feel is more emotional than physical. You are not so much tired as drained. This is not because your situation is a bad one. It’s more that a current ennui is hemming you in. Get a quick change. This weekend, bathe yourself in the fresh and the stimulating.

Commute from hell

So much has been trying my patience since I woke up this morning. Despite all this, I’m feeling kind of mellow.

Last night, it started snowing in the GTA. By this morning, there was a very large pile to be cleaned up. My mom woke me up at 6 to shovel the driveway for her because she didn’t want to risk getting stuck in the driveway. Fair enough. Someone has to do it eventually. I cleared a path for her to get the car out, but she drove partly over the unshovelled driveway anyway. No big deal. When I went to shovel the rest of the driveway, I had much trouble clearing the tracks that were caused by the car running over the loosely packed snow. Not only that, but there were also tracks created when my father went to work the night before. The tracks were frozen solid. Whatever. About an hour later, I cleared it all and headed inside. My sweater was soaked with sweat.

It was 7, and I was exhausted. I figured that there was no way I would make the 730 bus, I decided to take the time to relax, possibly getting the 750. After a while of sitting, I got even lazier and decided to just get the 820, so that I’d have time to shower.

By 8, I was running all over the house trying to get my things together. I was scrambling to find my tuque, but it was nowhere to be found. I gave up after a while thinking that I might miss the bus if I kept looking. Besides, I thought I wouldn’t be out in the blowing snow for very long.

There were already a few people at the bus stop by the time I got there at about 810. We all waited patiently for the bus to come around the corner. Then 820 came. A snow plow which was clearing the sidewalks was approaching, so we all stepped onto the deep snowbanks to allow it to do its job. 830 came. The snow plow came back and was going the other way. Still no bus. Five minutes later, the snow plow passed by again. Still no bus. Eventually, another group of people came to the bus stop. They were presumably waiting for the next bus and not the 820. Due to the weather conditions, I think it was totally forgivable for the bus to be a few minutes late. Regardless, it was still a bit too late for my liking. I could have easily found my tuque and been a whole lot warmer in that time spent waiting. As the bus turned the corner into our sights, there was a bit communal sigh of relief. When we spotted a second bus right behind–the on-time one, some of us became a bit miffed.

As I moved towards the middle of the bus, it must have slipped on ice because it suddenly lurched, throwing many people forward, myself included. There was a big “WHOA!” from the passengers, which were mostly high school students heading to class. A hadn’t yet grabbed onto a pole properly at the time, so I bumped into this guy in front of me. Things returned to normal for a second, but before I could grab on, the bus lurched again, causing another “WHOA!” followed by the laughter of many young teenage girls. Once again, I ran into the guy. I was in no mood to apologize, but we made eye contact acknowledging the craptastic driving skills of the driver. I finally grabbed onto the pole. but not before the bus lurched again.

This time, the driver felt the need to defend himself. “Listen, I cannot step on the gas and brake at the same time! The bus is doing this all by itself!” To be fair, the road conditions were rotten, but still.

The bus arrived at my stop pretty quickly. Unfortunately, it had to stop behind another bus in the process of loading/unloading. We had to climb a rather large snowbank to get to the sidewalk. There was much hesitation from a large group of people. I just decided to go for it, even if it meant being thigh high in snow. Luckily, the snowbank was well packed, so climbing over it wasn’t too bad. I had to laugh at the situation afterwards.

I waited about 10 minutes before the connecting bus came around. I spotted the “39E EXPRESS” sign and got on with a whole other bunch of people. As it tried to turn a tight corner, the bus got stuck in the snow midturn. It took a minute before the driver got traction again. The trouble was that due to other cars, the bus couldn’t make the wide turn necessary. Oh, how rotten. There was a whole pile of other buses behind us waiting for us to turn.

As the bus travelled along Finch, I noticed that there were very few people getting on the bus. Some people refused to get on. I thought it was strange, but figured that there might be a regular 39 bus behind us. Whatever. I thought luck was going my way. When we got to Warden, I fully expected a smooth ride to my stop. After Warden, the 39E makes only two major stops before the station, one of which is my stop. So, I was a bit surprised when the bus made an unexpected stop at a minor street. Alarms started going off in my head. I looked around the bus, and it seemed almost empty. Usually the 39E is quite packed. I suddenly feared that I boarded the 139E instead of the 39E. My fear was confirmed when the bus went on the highway to head to subway station farther south than where I wanted to go. Whatever. I knew I was going to be late anyway, so I didn’t let it bother me.

At Don Mills station, I waited at the 25 platform, waiting for the next 25D to show up. After a long wait, a 25 showed up and loaded/unloaded in front of me. I spotted a 25D at the opposite end of the bus bay area. It was unloading passengers. Now, I’ve seen this before. Drivers might sometimes unload passengers at a different bay, but always stopped at their proper location to pick up new pasengers. Soon, the 25D started moving forward, the 25 wasn’t getting out of the way, so a group of us thought it would stop right behind. When it started moving past, a group of us started running for the bus. Unfortunately, it just kept of motoring along. As it circled the station, we held hope that it might come around again and stop at the proper bay. However, like a bunch of chumps, it just went up the ramp and left the station. That’s when I started cursing.

Listen, it doesn’t matter if buses are late. It’s understandable in this weather. However, a bus totally passing passengers who’ve been waiting for a long time is bloody inexcusable. It’s not like the 25D comes frequently either.

We waited until about 945 before another 25D came. This time, we all rushed to meet the bus. We weren’t taking any more chances. Luckily, the driver was crazy and sped along the slick roads as if he was trying to play catch up. In the end, I arrived at work at about 1045. I probably could have arrived earlier if I had waited for my father to come back from work and took the van. Whatever. All I know is that I’m at work, warm, and getting drier.

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