Ever since we moved to the new house, my mom has been distraught over not being able to find my awards from high school. I had always insisted that they were in my closet somewhere tucked away, but she had said several times that she had already serached in there. She was feeling so down over the awards. To me, it felt so odd. They’re my awards…so why is she feeling so much more sadness over not knowing where they were. To me, they just felt like no big deal. Maybe it’s just a result of me being in this high stress university situation for such a long time. From my highs in high school, I’ve been recast into the role of the sudden underdog. My ego has been battered for so long that perhaps I’ve just become used to feeling stupid.
Although, I know I’m not.
Yesterday, while taking a break from cramming, I decided to rummage through a box tucked high up in my closet. As I pulled it down from the top shelf, on the top of the box was the label “plaques and awards”. Well, go figure. Sure enough, when I opened the box, there were my awards. I pulled them out and called my mother to come right away. When she saw the plaques, she was quite elated. She could barely contain her excitement. And right away, she started formulating plans on how to hang all of the items up on my wall.
Looking at some of the plaques brings back memories. I had won awards for being top of the class in three of my courses in grade 9 and 10. By grade 11 onward, there were new people who came to our high school that often beat me by a percent or two. Whatever, man. Back then, I believed that even if they beat me, I still had a greater amount of potential than they did.
I wonder if I still feel the same way. I really don’t know the answer.
At the end of grade 12, I received a few “more interesting” awards. There was the award for being a leader in demonstrating Christian Leadership. That’s great. I guess that could have been attributed to all the volunteer work and mediation I was doing. I had also received an award for Languages. I had done well in my French course and demonstrated that I was going beyond course material with learning the language. I guess that’s why I won the thing. Indeed, I took a French course in university as well. However, my interest waned quickly. Perhaps not from lack of wanting to continue, but because there simply was no place in my schedule to advance in that discipline. That’s yet another example of the ECE department squashing any dreams of mine. Lastly, I think I received money for being top in my Grade 12 Computer course. The thing is that they didn’t give out a physical plaque for that, which is quite unfortunate.
Looking back, have all these merits and achievements meant much? I think taking Computer Engineering at UW has turned me into such a cynic that my answer is a definite “no”. For someone with supposedly so much potential, I’ve really a half-assed job trying to release all that potential. I kind of feel bad saying all this, but…I can’t help but feel it’s true. I look back at all those awards, and I think, “Man…that was all back in the day. What the hell happened to me?” It makes me sad, thinking that perhaps it’s better that I hadn’t found them at all.
On the plus side though, all hasn’t been a total loss. I mean, look at all the work I had done for Engineering Orientation Week 2004. Wow, that was HUGE. That alone may possibly indicate just how great I can be. Thing is, people are more apt to examine only my academic achievements.
Man. I hate being like this.
Possibly related posts:
Recent Comments