A little while ago, I chatted a little bit with Sharon about general stuff. At some point she mentioned that she’d met with someone named Veronica from our year in high school. She said that Veronica remembered me, and said hello. To my (minor) embarrassment, I had no recollection at all of who this Veronica person was. Sorry!
I don’t know. It seems to be something that happens often with mentions of people from high school. Have I driven out the memories? Was it just that I really didn’t spend much time getting to know people? I guess it’s easier for people to remember me, being that I was “up there” in the realm of academics.
No, I’m not bragging–just saying, is all. Besides, look where those academics have gotten me. Psht.
Anyway, back to the story. For a few days I was trying to scan my memory to figure out just who this person was. The urge faded as the week passed. Which brings me to this morning. I’m in the process of doing laundry and generally tidying things up in my room. As I looked around, I spotted some of my old high school yearbooks. I ventured over and picked one up with the intention of solving the mystery. As I flipped through the pages, I saw things that gave me pause for reflection. The books were full of greetings from people that were in an out of my life during that period. It’s…kind of mind-numbing. I mean, some of the messages are people who I haven’t seen in ages talking about high school in the present tense. In my mind, my memories of them are frozen in that time period. It makes me a bit curious as to what they’re up to, but…just in passing–if only because that book pulled the trigger, know what I mean?
Also in among the messages are well-wishes from some people with whom I’ve known beyond high school, but are now on non-speaking terms with. Hahah. There’s a lot of irony in those messages and all at once it makes me laugh and feel worn-out.
I see my pictures from high school, and I feel contempt. Who is that poor fool staring back at me? What was wrong with you back then? Why were you the way you were? Did you think things would get better? They kind of did. Sort of. My grad photo message involved me talking about yak-cheese being used as an insulating material. How strange! Par for the course, back then, really.
Do I hate what I was? I kind of do. I mean, keeping stable nowadays has been an uphill battle, a lot of which stems from events in that formative period. I should be over it, but, can I really be rid of it? Not for a while, anyway.
Some people still dwell on the past and revisit it all too often. I don’t want to at all. I’d like to think that I’m all about there here and now. However, I do find myself sort of tied to the past. I kind of think that most people who are stuck on the past are focused on people, stuff and events. In my case, it’s about the emotions and mental states, which is perhaps a hell of a lot less healthy. If my sense of self is based on this unstable foundation, maybe that’s why I’m still uneasy about life.
For now, I still have myself. I have my career, my friends, and things will be all right. I don’t want to focus on the past.
In the end, I did find out who Veronica was.
I don’t think I ever spoke a word to her.
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