Despite my illness I’ve been working really hard. It’s really bad timing to have gotten sick at such a time. Like I mentioned, we have a code launch and everyone’s been working hard to fix bugs and tackle and issues. I think part of me feels really guilty to have to stay at home, so I’ve forced myself to put in as much effort as I can muster. I have my laptop set up on the table by the window in my room. It’s been my workstation for the past few days. Maybe I should actually open that window and let in some sunlight, eh? I hardly leave my room except for the occasional bio-breaks. Lunch is more of an afterthought than anything. I’m not complaining about being hungry or in the dark. It’s just…everything has started to take a toll on me today.
From the moment I sat down to work, I started juggling around several tasks because I felt capable. Overall, I was. Maybe I got too eager though with taking on work. Anyway, at the end of the “normal” workday, a request came up to work on something that was estimated to take 4-6 hours of work. Because it was related to something I was already focusing on, I ended up with the request. I guess that would be a side-effect from taking on a large amount of things. I didn’t really give much thought to the fact that I was taking on a somewhat big task; someone had to do it. After I started work on it, fatigue set it pretty quickly. Online, I saw that a couple of my coworkers were sticking around. I started putting more pressure on myself because I didn’t want people to have to stick around on my account. At one point, the client started messaging me for a status update. I wanted to scream out loud that it’ll be done when it’s done. I gave a somewhat indifferent answer, but the client pushed for something a bit more definite. The client offered a number and I just agreed with it. Soon after, my manager asked me for a status update. God, I felt like I was being hounded from all directions. I gave him the same answer I gave the client. At that point, I really started to breakdown.
I told my manager how frustrated I was. I’d been meaning to go to the doctor since Tuesday, but I just didn’t have the time to do so. I’ve been putting my health on the backburner and it was making me angry. I told him I was mad, but as I was typing it wasn’t anger that was strongest. I started to tear up and just broke down at how messed up this all was. I was trying really hard to get things done, but I almost felt like it was becoming too much. Coughing too much? I drank hot tea. Dizzy spells? It was tolerable because my chair was sorta comfy. Over the past few days, all of this was just to not focus on the fact that I felt like shit. For a few minutes, I just sat and let the frustrations out. I then composed myself and got back to it. I kept at it until just before 8pm. At that point my manager just told me to continue tomorrow–the launch would have to wait. He told me to see the doctor first thing in the morning. I’m going to do so. I really do need to take care of myself better or I’m just going to end up running myself into the ground. I know tomorrow’s going to be another long day. If I don’t do something for myself, I may just crack and tell everyone to seriously fuck off while I curl up into a ball in bed. My God, I’m not a martyr. Heck no. I just need help recognizing my limits and knowing where to draw the line.
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