This anniversary sort of came and went. This blog now has entries going back 5 years! I really should have a bit more fanfare regarding this birthday. I think I was originally planning on writing out some long account of how it got to this point, but I just never got around to it. At this point I think I’m just a little too lazy to get into all of the fine details.
Of course, some people who know the history will know that I actually started writing almost 6 years ago in April 2002. Just, out of a moment of sheer stupidity and really bad software I ended up losing entries from April 2002 to February 2003. There were a lot of good things in there–it’s really a pity that those posts disappeared into the Internet ether, you know?
If I still had those posts I’d have a bit of a better record of my personal growth; a lot can happen in 5-6 years. Of course, that doesn’t mean I hold the five years I have recorded in lower regard. Oh hell no. Reading back on things I wrote in the early years, it really triggers memories of various crises involving social acceptance and realizations of self-worth. I think back then I was fond of saying that I was undergoing an internal revolution. I had to go through this period because I was tired of feeling like my worth was based solely on what people thought of me. Due to certain conditions, it was hard to break free of old habits and to not see myself through the eyes of others. When I realized that I don’t have to be tied to people who made me feel like I was worthless, I became freer. That was part of my revolution. I’m not saying I’m no longer having any issues regarding self-worth, but I now have a bit of perspective that maybe wasn’t as strong in my younger self.
Maybe also worthy of note is my transition from writing about the sheltered academic world to writing about the working life. The shift in focus is interesting to me, at least, because I can compare and contrast how I’m applying my personality to these two distinct worlds. In school, success is (for the most part) directed inwards. In contrast, the working world relies more heavily on how well you interact with your colleagues. The transition hasn’t been without the occasional hiccups. From what I’ve written, it seems like my personality is very much the same between the spheres of existence. It’s just…mmm…now I’m finding more facets to who I am now that I’m being forced to put myself in these new situations. Does that make sense?
Sharon’s told me in the past that since early high school I’ve had a bit of that “this is who I am–take it or leave it” air about me. That kind of attitude can be dangerous because it’s often associated with pretentious bastards who try too hard to seem important. I don’t want to say that I’m not like that, but because of my introverted nature (outgoing as it may be, it’s still introverted) it’s internalized and left for other people to discover on their own–leading them to love or loathe. I guess these past 5 years of writing are a good window into that internal engine.
So, what lies ahead? Five years from now I’ll be in my 30s. Maybe life will be totally different. Maybe it’ll be the same. Either way, I hope that I continue to make the effort to write so that by my return of Saturn I can look back and see just how far I’ve come after all this time.
Here’s to another five.
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