Over the edge

I have a tendency to overwork. Given certain circumstances, I will pour all of my efforts into getting the task done. On the surface it sounds like a great thing. Unfortunately for me, if I don’t keep it in check, I will run myself into the ground. I have a certain amount of staying power when it comes to this sort of thing, meaning I’ll be on task long after I know I should have taken a break. Usually I can keep all the stimuli at manageable levels, but once in a while I’ll go over the edge.

Today, I cracked.

We’ve been short on manpower over the past few weeks, leaving me to handle client support on my own. Things have been humming along, but in recent days I’ve really started to feel a huge amount of fatigue. Things have been continually piling up and I’ve been working my hardest to keep the pile from becoming overwhelming. I told myself: “I can handle this. No problem.” And I did…the pile has shrunk. It’s all under control. Thing is, the continuous pressure I’ve been placing on myself has finally taken its toll.

I’m not under any illusions about this. The pressure I’m under is really self-induced. Sure, the client has wants and needs, but it’s still up to me to pace myself, right? Anyway, today the client made a joke about a certain task being the most important. Something like that would’ve just rolled off my back under normal circumstances. Today though, it seemed like it pushed me over the edge. I put my head on my desk to give myself a rest. I started shaking. Then, all of a sudden tears started flowing. I try hard to compose myself, but I was in a pathetic state. I messaged a colleague that I’d officially cracked. He suggested that we take a walk over to Tim Hortons. I agreed and just walked out. I wasn’t outright bawling or anything, but I was overflowing with unchannelled energy.

The walk did me well. I just needed to get away from my desk. Several of my colleagues have told me to just not work so hard. My team lead reminded me that I just needed to take it easy and not push myself. Sure, I already know that. I guess, I just needed an event like this to drill home the importance of pacing. Another colleague of mine suggested that I take a sick day. I considered it, but as my mother said: I shouldn’t run away from my problems. Sure, as I type this I’m still a bit jittery, as if my stress chemical levels are still high throughout my body. However, I can’t let this keep me down.

I’m just one man. I am capable of doing a lot of things. It seems though that the greatest thing I can do for myself right now is to draw some boundaries and respect them. I hope that I’ll feel a bit more balanced by tomorrow morning.

Possibly related posts:

1. On the edge of my seat
2. Taking the edge off