citizen of the planet

I’m really starting to wonder why I can’t just allow myself to bask in the glow of having accomplished something great.  It seems that I have a tendency to downplay things, or to qualify accomplishments just to make things seem less great.  For example, whenever friends and colleagues inquire about my race, I tell them about my time, but I feel the compulsion to explain that no, my time wasn’t that great in comparison to the average racer.  This is despite the fact that just completing a half-marathon is in itself something to be commended for–my heart knows this.  Not many people can imagine even doing such a thing, and here I am in the span of a year and a half going from couch to 13.1 miles/21.1 kilometres.  Even so…it just never seems to be good enough.

This goes for other aspects of my life as well.  At work, I have trouble taking compliments.  In my mind anything that I accomplish is just part of the job description, so part of me wonders why I should get special mention.  I still recall one day a while back when my old project manager told me “just take the compliment, Jason.”  Yeah, well, you know…

Where does all of this stem from?  I know that I don’t want to come off as someone that brags or is overtly proud, know what I mean?  I’m sure that’s part of it.  I suppose I shouldn’t let those things affect the way I accept praise, so I wonder if that’s the full story.  Do I really find myself unworthy of it?  Is this part of me continually striving to be a better person?  I honestly don’t know.  Even if I sit down and really take the time to mull over all of this, I’m not sure I’d be able to come up with an answer.

I guess, in the meantime, I need to make a conscious effort to really allow myself to just be happy.  I’ve been given so many gifts in my life that I just need to recognize them.  Life really isn’t so bad–so I should stop my mind from telling me otherwise.

“You actually finished?”
“Yes, mom.”
“Really?”
“…”

Hell, I suppose I’m in disbelief as well.  I did it.  I really did it.

Yesterday was a very long day.  I didn’t get very much sleep the night before.  So many thoughts were racing through my head.  I had everything laid out and packed as appropriate.  I woke up at 11:30 pm though wondering where the heck I’d put my Body Glide.  I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly with that on my mind, so I got up and hunted for it.  As I was up, I felt dizzy and disoriented.  I was in a bit of a panic because I thought that maybe I was getting sick.  That wouldn’t have been great at all.  I realized though that it was just because I needed some sleep.  I eventually fell asleep, but I was up merely hours later. By 4:30 I was boiling some oatmeal. By 5 it was all in my stomach.  When I was all dressed up, I took a good look at myself in the mirror and said “in a few hours it’ll all be done and you’ll have your medal.”

I picked up my friend at 6 am and we headed downtown.  As we walked to city hall we spotted other runners walking toward the site.  They obviously stood out due to their tanks and short shorts.  When we got to city hall it was still quite dark, but there was enough light to see the long bank of portable toilets.  Hell, I dunno why that amuses me, but it does.  It was hard to spot people from my group in the dark, but we found a few.

God, I was nervous.  About 15 minutes prior to start I made my way to the corrals.  I indicated that I was expecting to finish in 3 hours so they assigned me to the slowest corral, which also happens to be the corral farthest away from the starting line.  See, I expected 3 hours–maybe 2:50 if I was having a good day.  As I walked back, I just couldn’t believe how far back it was.  For anyone who knows, I was basically at Dundas and Bay while the start was at Queen.  Yeah, there were thousands of people there. In the corral I found my current coach, my coach from the 10K clinics that I was in before and some other people from my group.  I got a few last minute tips, which I appreciated.  I decided to state a few truths out loud just for my benefit:

• “Everyone is feeling the same thing right now”
• “I should stop worrying about things I can’t control”
• “I will enjoy every step”

Then, all at once I suddenly felt this wave of cheering blanket the crowd until it reached us, at which point we were all wondering whether the darn thing started.  It was hard to tell because we were so far back.  However, we all slowly started moving forward.  As we got close to the starting line, we had a laugh that it took us 8 minutes to actually make it to the front.  It didn’t matter though because we all had chips on our shoes that recorded when we crossed the line so that we’d have a “real time.”

As soon as I crossed the line I started up.  I was entirely determined to run slowly for the first while just so that I would have enough energy banked up to push harder in the second half.  People were passing me left and right but it didn’t matter.  I thought I was going slow, but when I checked my watch I was actually moving faster than I wanted.  What the hell?  You just cannot underestimate the pull of the crowd, you know?  I just kept at it though and focused more on my perceived effort levels.  At the speed I was going I felt like I could keep it up for at least a little while.  This wasn’t the first time I’ve raced through the streets of Toronto, but this was decidedly more serious.  There was a sense of urgency that I hadn’t felt previously.  God, there were so many people.  When my watch beeped the end of a 10 minute interval, I moved my wrist up higher and looked behind me to signal that I was slowing down.  These walk breaks were interesting to me because the people around me had very staggered 10 minute intervals.  As I was nearing the end, some people were just starting to slow down.  There was a lot of shuffling around for the first half hour or so.  I was able to keep an eye on the 2:30 pace bunny for a little while but soon she pulled far enough ahead that I couldn’t see her anymore.  At some point I came to the realization that I wasn’t going to make 2:30.

(As if I had a chance.)

A lot of it was a blur because I was really focused.  I remember the crowd thinning out somewhat at about the 7 to 8 kilometre mark.  Most of the people had already pulled out ahead and were way out there.  That just left us slower people toour own devices.  At one point we all started clapping.  Apparently the Kenyans were already on their way back from the turnaround.  Now seeing them was awe-inspiring.  How the heck were they so speedy?  Seriously!

Around the 12.2K turnaround, we got some really strong cheering from spectators out in the west end.  I actually felt the cheering pulled me along.  With every “You can do it, Jason!” (my bib had my name on it above my number) I felt my body straighten out like I had a renewed sense of purpose.  I didn’t remember much about the heat being that strong–it was only from the post-race anecdotes that I heard that it was up there.  I know though that around 14K or so I really started to slow down.  The fatigue was kicking in, but I kept telling myself that it was all in the mind.  Sure. Up ahead I could see some of the people that I was around start to pull farther away.  That included these two power walkers that seemed to show no sign of letting up.  During my run intervals I would slowly pass them, but they’d pull ahead again when I’d be on my walk breaks.  There was a lot of give and take for a while.  Eventually they did get far enough ahead that I could no longer use them as pacers.  I used this Scottish woman in a kilt for a little while too, but she too left me in the dust.

Ooh, it was long going.  When I hit the 15K mark I thought: 6K left!  Six kilometres is the length of one of our regular courses up in Markham, so I just compared it to one of my more regular runs.  That type of visualization really helped.  Knowing that I only had a few kilometres left was enough to keep me pumping away.  At around 18K or so I noticed that the 2:45 10/1 pace bunny came up from behind with a group of people.  I guess I was zoned out because even after seeing her it took me a few moments to realize that I could possibly make 2:45 if I kept up with her.  She pulled ahead though as did the group that was following her.  I knew that I wouldn’t be way too far behind so I just kept it up.  Soon after, two runners from my group pulled up from behind me and encouraged me to keep up with them.  I didn’t feel like I had it in me to do so, so they went ahead of me as well.  I just kept a steady pace, trying to keep myself composed.  I felt alone.  Even though there were a lot of people there, I still felt alone.

When I got to 19K I knew that I was close, so I pulled out some energy from my bag o’ tricks and started to up my output.  I was going to hurt, but it was for a good reason, so I pushed harder.  I passed the two runners that encouraged me just earlier.  When I turned the corner to the last 1K stretch, there was a large crowd.  Everyone was cheering.  It was all uphill though.  I just pushed and pushed and pushed.  I could hear the crowd shouting “You’re almost there, Jason!”  I knew that I’d be emotional, so I told myself “no tears this time, k?”  Even though I could feel the pride gushing forth, I just gritted my teeth and used all of the emotion to propel myself.  The camera guys were all around so I tried to smile.  Even if I was smiling though, I’m sure my eyes betrayed every single thought.

And in one big blur it was over.

My real time?  2:47:02.

Yes, slower than the average person, but fast for me.  It’s better than I thought I would do.  That’s all that matters, right?

There’s still more with regards to the after party and the general awesomeness of everything, but I think that’s all I can muster for now.

Yes, mom.  I did it.  I really did it.

Believe: achieve.

At a time like this
Every step is a gift
Every kilometre is a miracle
Every breath is a celebration
Every race is a triumph of spirit

I’ll save y’all from another post on running for now–there’ll be plenty of time for that tomorrow.  I’m trying to conserve my energy (such as it is) so when my mother asked me to go with her to Walmart to show her how to work that digital picture machine I was kind of put off.  It was raining so I parked in a garage area with some cover overhead.  Spots were few and far between, so I eventually settled for a spot next to a concrete pillar.  It was a tight fit, but I made it in.

At Walmart we chose the photos and submitted them for developing.  I swear, my mother would be so capable of doing these on her own if she’d only show some interest in learning, you know?  Anyway, we had an hour to kill so I just wandered around the mall.  After what seemed like an eternity of just aimlessly wandering from store to store we met back in Walmart.  I was tired and kind of hitting some low-level energy levels.  I thought about that and found it to be extremely odd because I’m usually still all right midday.  Instead though, I was irritable and just wanted to be back at home curled up in bed. We were supposed to head to the supermarket after but my mother decided that we should just go home.  I guess my mood was pretty obvious.  Weeell…that can’t be helped.  I’m not about to start masking everything now.

Aaaanyway.

We got in the car and I started backing out.  I was thinking about how shitty I was feeling.  I turned over to my right and started turning.  Suddenly, we were both startled by this loud crack.  What the fuck?!  My side mirror caught the pillar that I had parked beside and completely broke off.  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  I mean, it was a bit past noon on a Saturday.  Would people be available at such a time to replace the thing right away?  I needed to take my car downtown to the race.  My mind was being pulled in so many directions.  I was freaking out.

I got home and started calling several GM dealerships.  I finally found one that would take me, but they were closing in an hour so I had to rush over.  I actually took my car on the highway.  I basically stayed in one lane the whole time just to minimize the risk of anything else bad happening.  Occasionally I’d look at the broken mirror expecting to see behind me but of course I couldn’t see anything–it’s such an odd feeling.

Anyway, $275 later all is well and everything is fixed.  I need to take a nap to get my stress levels back to normal levels.  Enough is enough, damn it.

During the lunch hour I went over to the Metro Convention Centre to pick up my race kit. That was certainly interesting. As I neared the place I saw a lot of people walking out carrying the red kits. I got envious. I wanted to be one of the few walking out proudly with my race kit in hand. The envy didn’t last long because I got my own soon enough. The handing out process was very organized and I was out of there pretty quickly. They scanned my chip and I confirmed that yes, indeed, my name is Jason. At that point, it was all pretty final–I was scanned in and I had my bib number. I couldn’t help but feel pride knowing that I was now “one of those people.”

Of course, my nervousness and anxiety didn’t die down as quickly as I’d hoped. However, could I really expect myself to be so calm at such a time? Anyway, as I was about to leave I saw a couple of people on stage giving a talk about race prep and general visualization. Turns out that the people were John Bingham and Jenny Hadfield. I was in shock. I mean, I’ve read their articles on Runner’s World. I didn’t expect to see them in person, you know? I admire John because like me he’s a slow runner. However, despite his lack of speed he is somehow entirely inspirational. When I heard him speak, I could feel any anxieties over not being good enough just leave me. Jenny was an excellent speaker as well. What I got from her is the idea that I should completely trust my training. All of my hard work has gotten me this far. It’s enough to allow me to complete the distance. The thing is that on race day all of the focus should shift from the physical to the mental aspect. I never really considered that before. For the past few days I’ve been so concerned about my body just giving up on my a few kilometres before the finish line. Thing is, all of the concern is putting me in danger of making it all a self-fulfilling prophecy, know what I mean?

I’m a bit fearful, but I’m also ready to face Sunday morning. I will not worry about things that are out of my control. If the weather is hot and humid, I can take comfort in the fact that every single person on the course is feeling the same. If the people around me are kind of dumb in terms of making my own movement a little bit more difficult, I’ll just smile it off because eventually such a group will break off. All I can do is control my pacing. I need to make sure that I’m keeping everything stable.

Holy crap. This is all insane.

At a time when I should be getting a bit more rest and relaxation I actually feel like somehow my body is craving inactivity, and that fact is manifesting itself in subtle ways. On my way back to my car from work, I usually get a light nap on the train. I close my eyes and focus on the music coming from my iPod. Usually though, it really is just a light nap–I usually still have control over my head, you know? It’s not uncommon for me though to zone out for a few stops. The other day though, I really fell asleep. I think I was listening to something quiet when I fell under. Next thing you know: clang!

You know those guys that nod off in their seat and their heads bob up and down drowsily? Every now and then their heads would dip perilously close to hitting something but they back away all of a sudden. In some weird perverse way, you sort of hope that their head would make contact but it hardly ever does. Yeah, I was that guy, except…I actually did hit something. My head hit the bar next to my seat. Not only did I hit the bar, but also the hand of this cutie hanging on while reading a book. With drowsy eyes I looked up and apologized. She just nodded and smiled.

It’s all good, man. A bit of normalcy is just around the corner.

On Tuesdays and Wednesdays I’ve been coming into work early just because I have to leave earlier in order to make it to my evening runs up north of the city. On a regular day I’d probably start my commute at 8:30am; on Wednesday I try to leave the house at 7:15am. It’s been like this for what seems like ages, so you’d think that I’d have this schedule down easily, right? To be honest, finding the motivation to get up has become more and more difficult. I end up arriving at my workplace at the usual time, but I also end up leaving early. I don’t feel too bad though because I always make up the missing time later in the week. It all seems well and good, however, I have to question whether arriving at work later than when I want is more symptomatic of something else.

Work has been entirely stressful as of late. I try to keep my frustration down, but–especially as of this past week or two–I’m been entirely grumpy in the mornings. I know it doesn’t reflect well on me. Whether or not it’s actually true, I know that it looks like I’m going to kill someone. I can’t help it though, I’m very much an open book. See, I internalize, but what I have is so strong that it shines through. I’m trying to be more relaxed and more positive, but I still slip into dark moods very frequently.

I wonder if there’s something periodical that I’m going through that spans a couple of weeks. It’s only when I burn things down that I can build things back up, right? Oh man. The last quarter of the year is around the corner. I just want to be in a stable state of mind, you know?

It’s only now that it’s really starting to click: man, my race is only 5 days away.  Holy heck, I’m excited!  Months of training are leading up to this Sunday.  That’s a lot to think about.  Thing is, my training isn’t quite over yet.

Today I had a 10K steady run scheduled.  See, that confused me because a 10K steady run doesn’t exactly mesh with the idea of tapering, right?  Well, I decided to take it easy.  I set my watch to time out 20 minute intervals and set out for my run.  Everyone was out of the gates at a good pace, but I decided to start out much slower.  My race pace isn’t anywhere near theirs, so why spend energy trying to keep up for the first bit?  Whenever I try to keep up I usually fade quickly.  So, I knew that I was better off just letting them fade in the distance.  As much as I wanted to take it easy, I was also determined to make this an awesome run.  As I approached the first stop light, it turned yellow as I was nearing it.  I ended up doing something really bad: I cut across and ran in front of turning traffic.  Yes, it was unsafe, but the traffic let me through.  I feel guilty.

The sun was in the process of setting, and by the first 2 kilometres it was already dark.  The glow of the streetlights guided me.  With everyone far ahead, I actually felt quite alone.  I just focused on my breathing and keeping my steps even.  Eventually my watch started beeping indicating the end of my interval.  I was going to take my 1 minute walk break but I was actually feeling kind of good.  In a split second I decided to just continue through.  My pace remained even.  Soon the watch beeped again telling me that the break period was over.  I just pushed through it as best I could.

As I continued on, I sort of zoned out.  Without much visual stimulus, my mind was just able to wander.  I suppose that was a good thing because along the way I didn’t even notice I was actually going up an incline for a period.  Mentally, I knew it was there but I didn’t feel that it was excessively difficult. I’m sure the cool night weather helped. I mean, I wasn’t overheating at all. That helped to make everything else feel more relaxed.

As I hit 5K I looked at my watch and noticed that my pace was getting faster. Despite that I felt all right, so I decided to maintain the faster speed. I know we’re supposed to take it easy, but I decided to just pour myself into it. In the last 3K, I knew that I could make it back with my fastest 10K time ever, but only if I worked hard. That was enough for me to push and finish strong, and I did. I felt bloody fantastic. I did the distance continuously, and at my race pace. Whoo!

Just knowing that I can do it is such a confidence boost. I don’t plan on running Sunday continuously because the sun will surely be beating down on me and the temperature will be warmer. However, I think that I will have the confidence to push myself harder than I normally would.