I’m really starting to wonder why I can’t just allow myself to bask in the glow of having accomplished something great. It seems that I have a tendency to downplay things, or to qualify accomplishments just to make things seem less great. For example, whenever friends and colleagues inquire about my race, I tell them about my time, but I feel the compulsion to explain that no, my time wasn’t that great in comparison to the average racer. This is despite the fact that just completing a half-marathon is in itself something to be commended for–my heart knows this. Not many people can imagine even doing such a thing, and here I am in the span of a year and a half going from couch to 13.1 miles/21.1 kilometres. Even so…it just never seems to be good enough.
This goes for other aspects of my life as well. At work, I have trouble taking compliments. In my mind anything that I accomplish is just part of the job description, so part of me wonders why I should get special mention. I still recall one day a while back when my old project manager told me “just take the compliment, Jason.” Yeah, well, you know…
Where does all of this stem from? I know that I don’t want to come off as someone that brags or is overtly proud, know what I mean? I’m sure that’s part of it. I suppose I shouldn’t let those things affect the way I accept praise, so I wonder if that’s the full story. Do I really find myself unworthy of it? Is this part of me continually striving to be a better person? I honestly don’t know. Even if I sit down and really take the time to mull over all of this, I’m not sure I’d be able to come up with an answer.
I guess, in the meantime, I need to make a conscious effort to really allow myself to just be happy. I’ve been given so many gifts in my life that I just need to recognize them. Life really isn’t so bad–so I should stop my mind from telling me otherwise.
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