Until this current release is done (which will be this month at some point) I don’t think I’ll be able to sit through a relaxed period at work. Today I was feeling like I was fending off a barrage of issues. Just as soon as I finished one thing, something else was fired off in my direction. It’s always been my intention to shrink that bug list. Maybe I’m foolhardy, or just arrogant in my abilities, but I had no intention of letting that QA list get out of control. For the most part, I’ve succeeded. I mean, the list hasn’t really shrunk, but it hasn’t exploded in size. That’s great, but I have to ask what toll all of this has taken on me.
In this type of situation, I can’t help but feel that I’m under the gun. Some days I feel like no one else is taking this seriously. I know that it’s not true, because I’m sure everyone takes pride in their work; I just happen to have more bull-headed staying power than is healthy. I recognize that it would be unfair to foist my standards on everyone, but still.
So this recent pile of work finally got to me. I didn’t walk off crying or yelling at everyone. Nope. This time I just got up, stormed away from my desk and walk around town for 45 minutes listening to my iPod, just trying to cool my head. What was the trigger? Well, I was frustrated with this one ticket and off from the corner of my eye I see my colleagues goofing off doing some other business. That usually wouldn’t bother me because I’m prone to bouts of silliness too. In this case though, it was just the little bit that brought me past the tipping point. I resented the fact that I was working hard to keep things under control, and other people had the time to fool around. So, I walked off.
It’s harsh. I know that everyone gets work done. I know that things get accomplished. Some days I wonder though what would happen if I were to take myself out of the equation. People will manage, but that would require them to work harder. Is that such a bad thing?
Well, walking helped somewhat because I didn’t feel as angry when I got back. Instead though I felt defeated. I had no choice–I had to continue doing what I was good at: the job had to get done.
In a few weeks it’ll all be under control. I can look forward to it.
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