Chapter Twenty-seven: Ready to ignite

The keyword for me for the past year has been: “preparation.” That simple word has been my meditation as I’ve prepared for the whirlwind of events that’s going to come within the next year. Hell, I’m still not ready for any of it. I’ve been making a habit of doing these “state of being” type posts every year around this time, so I’m going to continue the habit.

More after the jump!

Looking at last year’s entry, I would say that I’m pretty much in the same place in life, except everything is sort of carried to the next level. Does that make sense? There haven’t been any drastic changes, but you could say I’ve “levelled up.”

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With that in mind, I’ve been trying to come up with a keyword for this coming year. The phrases that came to mind have been: “launching,” “branching off,” “beginning.” In the end, I’ve settled on one word: ignition. I’m ready to set myself on fire; I’m ready to burn brightly.

The condo

The condo is nearing completion. Possession is a little over five months away from now, which is just crazy. It seems like so long ago that I plunked the money down for this place. In fact, it really was a long time ago–March 2007 in fact. And now this process of waiting and preparing is about to come to end. That’s OK though, because this period needs to end before I can start a new phase of independence. The word “independence” does make me think of the lyrics to Declare Independence by Björk:

With a flag and a trumpet
Go to the top of your highest mountain
And raise your flag! (Higher! Higher!)
Declare Independence! Don’t let them do that to you!

Oh, and I will stake my claim. It’s going to be a rough start, but I will find my stride.

Being active

On the topic of being active, after all this time I’ve somehow managed to find a sport that I enjoy. I don’t know how it happened, but somehow: I became a runner. When I started out I wouldn’t have imagined that I’d still be going 18 months later. I think, because it’s the type of activity that’s focused inwardly, it lends to my personality type. It’s a battle against myself to reach farther, run faster, push stronger. It somehow wormed its way into me, and now it’s part of my fabric. I really do hope that I will feel the same way one year from now.

The other day it was brought to my attention that all of this distance running makes me an athlete. When I heard that my first reaction was to balk at the idea. All throughout high school I was more cerebral in nature. From what I experienced, intelligence doesn’t immediately pay off in terms of “being known” as easily as athletics. I learnt early on to just keep my head down and keep doing what I do no matter what. Thing is, over time I built reputational capital. By my last year, I got to the point where I was able to hold my head high, remain aloof, and quietly get respect. That cemented the image I had of myself as being the total opposite of athletic, because obviously being smart and athletic were mutually exclusive. Of course I know better now, don’t I? Still, I can’t mentally label myself as athletic. I’m not one of those hard body types with single-digit body fat percentages. Oh, hell no. I’m quite weighty. When I run, I’m slow. Despite all that, I have the stamina to keep running for almost three hours to make it through a half-marathon. I guess I just need to change my perspective.

There are a few races in the coming year that I’m considering signing up for–a couple of half-marathons and maybe even a 30K. I will continue to work hard in the upcoming year.

Career

You know, last year I seemed to be happy about finding my voice in the team. It seems that I had carved a niche for myself. One year onward, I feel like I’m now in deep. I have no problem telling my project manager what’s wrong, and when something is complete bullshit. I’m currently on good terms with our client–which is really how it should be. I think I mentioned that I constantly have a need to prove myself. Whether or not that’s actually true, I use that as a way to light a fire under my ass. I have to because otherwise I risk becoming complacent.

I know I can find better pay elsewhere, but somehow I feel so associated with this job and this company that there’s no incentive to leave. It’s in my fixed nature to just stick to things like this up until it becomes intolerable–long after most other sane people leave. Now, back in university, I was doing co-op terms at a tech company in Thornhill. Over the third and fourth term things just became tedious. I felt like a complete lump and no matter what I did I couldn’t dredge up enough enthusiasm to really want to be there. In that case, I left. In my last co-op term I managed to get a job in TELUS, and that was honestly the best co-op term I’ve ever had. I guess that’s what’s different about my job then. Even though it’s stressful, and there are days I kind of want to punch my computer screen, I can still find enthusiasm for what I’m doing. I’m good at what I do!

Anyway, in the next year, I expect to find myself deeper into work. I don’t see any big career shifts on the horizon just yet–but really, who can anticipate such things?

Single

Yes. Still on the backburner. It will continue to be on the backburner until I move out.

In the end…

Every now and then, very unconsciously, I’ll announce out loud to no one in particular, “ugh…I hate my life.” I never mean it. Somehow the phrase entered my vocabulary as a way to handle frustration or block out memories from my mind. Those are just words, nothing more. I know that my life isn’t bad at all. I have so much going for me. Since I feel like I’ve been given so many blessings, I think it’s my responsibility to do my best with all of these gifts.

May this year bring me good fortunes in all parts of life.

If today is your birthday:

Over the course of this year, you will be able to rewrite the rulebook of your life. Bad old habits will be broken and exciting new options will be explored. In the process, you will grow stronger and smarter.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 — Nov. 22)

The planets have been smiling on you and giving a gentle helping hand to make sure that whatever you’re doing works out – eventually. The powers above are teaching you patience.

- Phil Booth

Possibly related posts:

1. Chapter Twenty-six: and the gears keep turning
2. Chapter Twenty-eight: To new heights
3. Chapter Twenty-five: Quarter Century