Monthly Archive: July 2009

Chink in the armour

Oh, God, what’s wrong with me? It almost seems like I’m going through a bit of a cosmic rough patch. Left and right, I kind of feel like I’m leaving a trail of disappointed people behind me as I’m moving onward. No, it’s not my intention. I mean, is it ever, really? Who wakes up in the morning thinking “Hmm, I know! I want people to be frustrated with me!”

I’m no sociopath.

I’m finding a little irony in the fact that although I’m surrounded by people, my sense of loneliness seems to be hitting me harder. I’m doing the best I can to keep my shit together, but there’s only so long I can go before breaking. Today the universe found the chink in my armour and down I went about midday today into something of a downward spiral.

I want tomorrow to be a better day. I may have to find a way to tear myself down and build myself back up again to be stronger. Meanwhile, I’m just tired, right through to my core. Rest can’t come soon enough.

Heavy head; heavy heart

Yeah…I’m safe, but that doesn’t mean I’m unaffected. I left at the end of the day feeling quite gross. As I walked down the stairs I knew that I just wasn’t in any mood to go run today. People say that running really helps to alleviate stress. It’s true. I actually perpetuated that among my students in the LTR. Thing is, in my sad state I wasn’t in a position to be helpful to anyone. I pretty much made the decision to miss the class, but on the streetcar I was vacillating. Part of me knew that getting out there might actually help. Sure, I’d be such that I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone, but still.

When I got to the subway, it just so happened that the train was out of power for some reason. The driver was outside on the phone talking to the control centre. I took that as a sign that it just wasn’t meant to be. So, I decided to walk over to Yonge and Bloor. I mean, I figured it would be a great way to kill time and hopefully burn off some of the cloud that was just hanging over my head. On the way though, I decided to change my plans. Instead of walking past the rich stores around Bay & Bloor, I thought it would be a great idea to head down to College and take the 506 streetcar to check out the scenery. Unlike the last time I took the 506, I wanted to make sure I got a window seat to get a good view of all the neighbourhoods. I walked down St. George through the University of Toronto. Seeing so many young people kind of made me feel old. I mean, if I think about it, I’m sure that a good number of those people are around ten years younger than me. There they are, all laughing it up and enjoying life as they walk down the road. In contrast, there I am kind of miserable after seeing far too much change happen at work.

I made it to the route and the streetcar arrived about 5 to 10 minutes later. Let me tell you, the ride was really long. Toronto is a really wide city, isn’t it? If I wasn’t so intent on trying to enjoy the route, I would probably be more annoyed at having made such a decision. I was fascinated by the varying levels of cleanliness throughout the areas. I mean, with the city workers’ strike going on, I’ve really only experienced the levels of filth that have accumulated around my workplace. By contrast, so much of the route was kept clean. I was impressed. It shows the amount of pride the local business have in keeping the city clean.

I made it back to my car eventually. After a quick ride home, I did a quick assessment of how I was feeling. Well, sure, I spent a lot of time out there trying to unwind and destress, but ultimately my head was still heavy. My chemicals were such that I continued to feel crappy. Such is life, I guess. These events can’t be washed away so quickly with a bit of a walk. I’m going to see if sleep will help to make things better. I hope so, otherwise tomorrow might actually be a bit hard to bear.

Round two cometh

Oh, God.

I just heard a rumour:

Round two cometh.

Hope for the best; prepare for the worst.

I feel sick to my stomach. Nauseated.

Going to buy a box of tissues. Might need it tomorrow.

Graduation from the LTR

I just got back home under an hour ago. I’m quite exhausted actually. I just got back from the graduation dinner with my Learn to Run class. It was over at Milestones, which really does have great food. It was a fitting end to one of the more amazing things that I’ve accomplished in the last few years. Really, a good time was had by all. Including myself, 21 of us attended. Every single one of my students was grateful for everything that we had done for them. All of the details, the encouragement, and positive attitude really did go a long way to keeping them going. The group leaders and I have turned them all into runners! Ten weeks ago, none of them would have imagined themselves to have accomplished so much. And now here they are, brimming with confidence.

Can you tell just how proud I am of them?

Really, seeing so much success with them kind of affirms the fact that I did a great job. Back when I was asked whether I’d teach the LTRs, I was totally apprehensive for various reasons. Really though, I just didn’t think I had the confidence to be able to take almost 50 people through the process. As was often the case with me, I knew I had the ability to lead, but the will was really only halfway there. Often, I find that I need a good shove to get going. Really that’s something I have to work on, because ultimately a lot of that needs to come from within, right? Anyway, enough clinic leaders came forward to point to me as someone who’d do well. Apparently my level of determination, despite my speed (or lack thereof) left a deep impression. I guess they saw qualities in me that I’d decided to ignore for far too long. Ten weeks later, I’ve come out of my shell a bit more, and now I recognize that I’m actually more than capable. Yes, my enthusiasm is actually contagious.

So, my time with them is now over. That’s all right though because I know I’ll be seeing a lot of them in store. They’ll be tackling new challenges while I’ll be helping out new people. We’ve all got a long way to go. I know though that I’ve given them a great platform from which to leap from. It’ll be up to them to decide if they want to leap, but I have a feeling that they will indeed feel inspired to move on.

I can rest easy knowing that I’ve done my job, and I did it well.

Abbreviated shorts

As part of my making it through my Learn to Run class successfully I decided buy a load of running gear. I bought a number of gels, some electrolyte tablets and a couple of socks. I also decided to pick up a new pair of shorts. Prior to this I was really only rotating between two pairs. Given that I run several times a week I had to run my shorts through the wash pretty frequently. So, I easily thought that introducing a third pair would be a great idea. Thing is, against my better judgment the shorts that I got are really short. I knew that when buying them, but it didn’t really hit just how short they were until I put them to use.

After using my old shorts for months, I’ve developed a pretty obvious tan line. About a few inches above my knee my skin goes from tanned to my usual winter colour. With these new shorts you can see just how two-toned I got. Under the store lights, it wasn’t too apparent, but once I got out there there was an big difference. It’s actually pretty obvious that this shorts are…two or three inches shorter than the other ones. Well, maybe with continued use my tan line will move further up. Second point is that I have to be careful when I sit down in these shorts. If I’m not conscious the damn thing kind of rides up to the point where it reveals my whole thigh. During the run, they also kind of ride up. Today I found myself having to pull my shorts back down to modest levels. Speaking of that, with my water belt on the shorts tended to arrange themselves such that, umm…how shall I put this…it tended to draw attention to the package. Lovely.

So, considering all of these issues, why in the world would I put up with all of that? It wasn’t until this morning that I figured it out. This morning was a cool day. The shorts have this mesh strip along the sides. I got a good breeze which really provided a bit of relief. Once I get into the longer runs with the half marathon group, that’ll help greatly. As well, despite having to adjust and re-adjust today, the shorts were really comfortable. Are those factors enough to outweigh the bad? Hmm…I’d say yes. All of the self-consciousness will fade over time. Who cares who stares? If I find tricks to wearing the shorts, there’ll be less of a problem. For example, today I learned that if I wear the water belt, I have to make sure the belt is up on the hip and the shorts ride lower–I can’t let the belt clamp the shorts down.

I always knew the importance of staying cool. I mean, I sweat more than the average person. I wonder why it just took me so long to buy shorts like this. I think next on my acquisition list is a CamelBak. Staying hydrated is a very good thing.

Chili fail…sort of

It’s been a while since I’ve put together a meal for the family. Tonight I made a pot of chili. After assembling and adding all the spices I ended up with something that tasted really awesome. I could have left it there, but I decided to add a little bit of heat to the mix. Since I had sriracha on hand I decided to use that instead of chili powder. I unscrewed the cap and squeezed. Thing is, I ended up squeezing too much. In a bit of panic, I mixed it all in and then gave it a taste. HOOOHAH. God, the heat was a little bit strong.

I knew that it would be way too much for my parents. Also, the taste of the sriracha was overpowering everything. I had to respice the mix: salt, pepper, MSG, cumin, turmeric. I even tossed in a little brown sugar. The chili tasted like chili again, but the heat was still potent. We didn’t have any sour cream, so I resorted to adding a big dash of 18% table cream. Yeah, it made the chili a bit thick and loaded, but I was hoping the cream would tone down the spiciness. I was a bit leery over how it would taste with the cream, but after mixing it all together it still came out great. This was one heck of a rich chili. Was it mild enough though? My parents ate it, but they agreed that the spiciness was still a bit strong.

Damn! Failure! Actually, no…it’s not like the thing tasted bad at all. In fact I ate a lot of it. It’s just that one dimension of the chili was overshadowing the rest. They agreed that they’d eat it again tomorrow, probably with some bread or rice to mellow out the heat. Still, I’m sort of disappointed in myself. I have to work on knowing my audience! Next time will be better.

One to Nine

I mentioned a little bit yesterday regarding posts that I’ve recently put up that have had something to do with numbers, either in the title, or perhaps due to some ordinal list. Like I said, it’s probably not a coincidence. That’s because on my rides on the subway I’ve been trying to take in a book on numbers that I picked up at Chapters about two weekends ago. The title is One To Nine: The Inner Life Of Numbers. This book has nine chapters exploring aspects of each digit, one through nine. I tend to really like quirky non-fiction that has something of a cultural bend to it. That’s why I kind of enjoyed books like Malcolm Gladwell’s things (I still have to read The Outliers), Freakonomics, and Eats, Shoots & Leaves. I don’t think any of the books have been perfect by any means. Even so, the writing in them had enough pull to make me want to finish the books. And then there are books like One to Nine. Jesus, I was preparing myself to like the book. I mean, the blurb that the publisher had on the book made it look like something that I would be into:

Have you ever thought about the uniqueness and simplicity of One, or what it means to be Two? Is Four really so square and why are there Seven days of the week, Seven deadly sins, or even Seven wonders of the world?

Wow. To me that sounded like it had enough content to not seem like some dry, purely theoretical tome. I’ve always enjoyed numbers a little more than the average person. In my mind there’s something very cool about how something seemingly black and white like mathematics has a lot of beauty in terms of patterns found in unexpected places. I was interested in seeing how all of that applied to everyday life situations. So, that’s why I thought such a book would be a good idea for subway reading. As I made my way through though…I quickly became more and more disappointed. Really, the book depends on the reader having a really good grasp of deep mathematical concepts. For example, maybe if I knew more about Twistor theory I’d be able to appreciate that part of the book better.

I will admit that there were some interesting things. For example the author touched on patterns that appear when you take the Fibonacci pattern modulo some number. That was kind of cool. Still, there wasn’t enough there to make me feel like I could get enough out of the things discussed. Way too much of it either went over my head, or was just presented so abstractly that my mind just didn’t want to bother trying to understand. See, that kind of bothers me. I took a lot of math long ago during engineering undergrad. I actually did learn about topics covered in the book like RSA encryption, Taylor series, etc. I don’t think any of that helped me absorb what was being said. I’m sure there were many points where my eyes must have been scanning over the page but not taking anything in. I’ve actually fallen asleep on the train a couple of times while holding the book. How sad.

I’ll take a guess and say that people that are doing some deep mathematics studies in university will probably enjoy this thing. For the casual reader, it’s not that great. Even if you have some mathematical background, the heavy parts are just too much to deal with. The blurb is inviting, but the text just talks over your head and doesn’t care if you don’t understand.

When she was twenty-two…

I’ve been mulling over what I wanted to post today, but in the end I couldn’t come up with anything that required a large amount of words on the page. Actually, what’s pushing me this evening is the fact that many of the posts that I’ve written over the past few days have had numbers in the title. And if you consider the post about my new retainer, that has a counting of rules as well. Number, numbers, numbers. Perhaps there’s a bit of a subconscious reason for all of that. I will elaborate on that another time.

Eh, meanwhile, I just saw this Lily Allen music video for her new single off It’s Not Me, It’s You entitled 22. It’s very quarter-life crisis-y. Due to the numeric title, I thought I’d share the video.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWjNFC-FinU

Lily’s really churning out these videos. Seems like she only recently put out a video for Fuck You, and now there’s one for this one? I’m digging this video if only because there’s a nice simple concept to the video and yet it tells a good story. Anyway, go watch it.

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