I had a little bit of a rough go this afternoon. At around 3 p.m. I suddenly started feeling a little bit light headed. Immediately I knew that my body was beginning to combat something. I’m still feeling a little bit rotten this evening, though from what I’m feeling right now I feel like this is something that I can battle overnight with a bit of rest and quiet time. So, earlier, all of this uneasiness put me in a mildly bad mood. At one point, a colleague asked a simple question about me getting my resume done. I took offence. There’s no good reason why I felt offended. Maybe I just felt like I was being judged. Actually, everyone joined in tut-tutting me over the lack of effort. I didn’t take it very well. Thing is, I know that all of this is well-meaning. Why am I offended that people care? It’s almost comical.
About a week ago I spoke about acting like an ostrich when it comes to job hunting. A lot of that still applies now. I still feel like I’m failing a lot of people by not putting in the effort. There are a lot of people behind me that want to see me succeed. Why do I seem to be partaking in the act of self-sabotage? Tough call. I’m not wallowing in self-pity. I recognize that the easiest way out of this current funk is just to do it. I know that now’s the best time to get my things in order, because if I wait until my hand is forced then everything will just be that much more difficult. So frustrating.
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4 comments
Erin says:
Mon. November 23, 2009 at 11:30 pm (UTC -5 )
You don’t fail the people who want you to succeed by self-sabotaging, you only fail yourself.
Jay says:
Tue. November 24, 2009 at 2:54 pm (UTC -5 )
Obviously.
It sounds cool when you put it that way though.
wegrit says:
Tue. November 24, 2009 at 1:29 pm (UTC -5 )
I once flipped the fuck out when about 10 of my friends showed up at the emergency room where my best friend had taken me when I was really sick one winter. I hadn’t told anyone I was going except for mentioning to another friend in passing that I was going to see a doctor because I’d been sick for two weeks and the next thing I know, it’s 6 hours later any my friends all show up at the ER. I was LIVID, which was kind of stupid, but I reacted the way I did because I was embarrassed that they’d all shown up when I was showing such weakness (a completely ridiculous, but deep seated fear of mine) not because they’d been so thoughtful.
Jay says:
Tue. November 24, 2009 at 2:59 pm (UTC -5 )
See, this is exactly it. Not doing the resume is sort of like a form of weakness. Like, I can’t get my act together enough to work on a damn document that will open doors for me, right? I wasn’t happy that they were exposing me in that way. Never mind that the intentions were pure. My addled mind just didn’t pay attention to that.