Monthly Archive: January 2010

Gotta own it!

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Sat. January 23, 2010

I spoke about committing to a narrative in the last post I wrote about improv. Your mind can wander in many directions, but if you blurt out X and it happens that X is in the realm of possibility then you need to stick with it. If you don’t, it almost seems kind of indecisive and accidental.

At the end of today’s class, we played a game of hitchhiker. There were three people seated in a row with one person acting as the driver and the other two as passengers. The driver would act out a particular character trait and the passengers would pick up that trait as well and work out the scene with it. This would continue until a hitchhiker came along and got in. That person would become the new driver and everyone would shift down. Anyway, my turn came up and as soon as I got in the car I said I was going to turn on the radio. I did, and started scanning my head for something ridiculous and overwrought. In a split second I picked something and started belting out a song.

Unbreak my heart! Say you love me again! Undo this hurt that you caused when you walked out the door and walked out of my life…

Oh LORD. I went there. I was wondering what the passengers would do. I was half expecting them to sing with me, but instead they started to cry. At that moment, I picked up on that and continued to sing while starting to sob. It got ridiculous! No one was coming up so I just continued to sob uncontrollably. The passenger next to me proceeded to pat me on the back. That’s when I knew everyone clicked into the scene. I eventually forgot the lyrics (or at least my place in the song) so I just did those breathy sobs. I suppose I could have started laughing or singing another song, but no, I just stuck with the song and the mood and I laid it on thick. I think that took balls. :-p

Like I said last week, I’m really loving this activity. I think it’s helping me out in so many ways. Apart from bringing me out of my shell, it’s also causing me to be a more active listener. I found this to be true during the week at work and at Running Room. As I spoke to people I picked up on “offers” and let my mind wander in terms of directions I can take the conversation. If the situation allowed (like it would among friends) I actually tested out those spontaneous bits of related but unrelated conversation. It’s an interesting experience.

Can’t wait for next weekend.

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Walking in the city

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Fri. January 22, 2010

I’ve said it time and again on this blog: I enjoy walking to the train station after work. It’s a good way to de-stress, and to become mobile again after a long time sitting down at my desk at work. It’s also a great way to reconnect with the city as a whole. I mean, it’s easy to become self-absorbed and feel like the world is limited to work, home, and the usual haunts with friends. The city is so much bigger, and wider than that. I enjoy walking through the different neighbourhoods and taking in their differing atmospheres. Chinatown is different from the university campus, which feels different from the Annex, which is different from the upscale boutiques on Bloor West. It’s fascinating. From a streetcar you can see it all, but it’s different from actually taking in the sights and listening to the din of traffic and human interaction. Usually I’m in no hurry to get back home, so my walks are fairly relaxed.

Anyway, I’m writing about all of this tonight because after tonight’s walk along University Ave and around Queen’s Park Circle I started paying attention to my changing walking habits. For quite a while I’ve just been hiking due north to the first subway station, but lately I’ve been spending more time hiking over another kilometre, two stops over. I think I was starting to think that the walk to my usual stop was too short, so I wanted to pick another location to walk to. In doing so it opened up a couple of new paths for me. Toronto’s road structure is very grid-like so there are a lot of opportunities to vary how I make it to my destination. I’ve actually started walking up St. George through the University of Toronto campus. I would never have gone through that area under normal circumstances–there’s just no reason to. Walking through I can almost feel the idealism and the gathering of ideas among all of the young people I pass by. I know: it sounds crazy. Perhaps I’m just projecting these expectations among all the people there. Who knows?

Another habit that I’ve noticed is the fact that I’ve been running a lot for a lot of stoplights lately. Usually, as I approach a stoplight that’s about to turn I just slow down my walking so that I don’t end up at the intersection just waiting for the time to run down. Like I said, I’m usually not in any hurry, so I’m perfectly content for the next cycle to happen before crossing. Over the past week or two, when I come across an intersection that’s about to turn, instead of slowing down I’ll actually make a dash for it. As soon as I cross, I’m back to my composed usual self. All of the training runs have helped out my cardio tremendously. I can tell that my heart rate really drops down fairly quickly after such bursts of activity. I remember a time when it would take me a long while to get things under control again. I realize that dashing for the light may not always be the safest thing, but it actually makes me feel like I have a bit more control over my walk. I know, it sounds a little bit odd, but that’s how I feel, right?

So, these changes are pretty beneficial. It shows that my health is definitely improving. At the same time, it allows me to explore more parts of the city that have been under a fog in my mental map of the city. It just increases my love of this place I call home.

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Compulsion to stay

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Thu. January 21, 2010

There was this reported bug in the software on which I had to investigate and provide an estimate for a fix. After some cursory checks, I thought that the required fix was isolated and rather simple to handle. In the end I gave an estimate of 2 hours for a fix and left it up to the client to decide whether they wanted it fixed. Late in the day they gave me a tentative green light, so I got right down to it.

Well, the simple task that I was expected started to drag on. I spent a good hour just trying to figure out a different issue that was blocking me from making progress on the main issue. Two hours came and went and I still wasn’t finished. Sure, my original idea was implemented, but as I continued to probe things it became apparent that the issue was a little bit more entangled with other parts than expected. When I had put in my eight hours, I actually decided to stick around to continue chasing down the issue.

I was getting frustrated at the fact that things weren’t fully solved. For a while I was determined to get things done. Two hours after quitting time, I thought I had a solution, but I came short. By that time, all of my colleagues were long gone. I felt like I had danced around the issue, dotting the code landscape with snippets intended to fix things without really addressing the problem. Seeing as how it was already mid-evening, I decided to just call it a night and head home.

So, I guess I’m wondering why I put myself through that? While he was still in office, one of my colleagues told me that he had never seen me this excited about code in ages. Well, yes, I was sort of excited, though not in the elated sense. I mean, I was bouncing all of the place in the code just trying to find leads. I was a man on a mission. That’s part of it, right? The other part of it must be the fact that I said that it would only take 2 hours to do. Ha! What the hell was I thinking? Generally my estimates tend to be more accurate. I’ve managed to build a reputation for knowing the system well enough to give a good timing analysis. I don’t think I wanted to indicate that I had made a mistake. That’s why I was determined to finish it off. Well, after four hours of that nonsense I came to my senses. Thank goodness. In all seriousness, what’s the worse that can happen if I tell people that the problem is a little bit more entrenched than originally expected, right? It’s definitely not like I brushed it off. I gave it a good try, however, in the end the problem won out. I really shouldn’t let my ego play into what I do at work.

Anyway, come morning I will spend another hour or two trying to see if I could finish the investigation. Otherwise, I’ll just tell them that it’s bigger than I expected. I don’t need other people’s approval.

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Breakthroughs in running

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Wed. January 20, 2010

As I was writing last night’s post, I was hit with a heavy dose of drowsiness. I actually fell asleep with a finger on the space bar: that’s how tired I was. I actually wanted to elaborate a little bit on what that quote was all about. See, I’m not entirely sure if it’s completely apparent what’s so special about it. I was going to write out a good explanation. Unfortunately, sleep won out so I just published the post.

So.

“These days, I’m actually able to run with people.”

Way back when I was just starting out, I always had issues keeping up with everyone. I’m sure weight was a factor, as well as my apparent lack of athleticism, but to me it wasn’t enough to sour me on the whole running experience. Each time we were given a route, I was determined to just finish it. That was the important thing. It didn’t matter if I came in much later. I knew I was slow, so I just accepted it. Sure, I wished I could go faster, but in the end simply wishing isn’t going to get results, right?

What were the implications then? Well, sure, in the earlier clinics the group leaders and occasionally the coach would be with me as I plodded along, but I knew that it would be wrong of me to expect them to be with me all the time. Sure, they may have been next to me, but in truth they weren’t really running with me. Does that make sense? I recognized that they had their own goals; they wouldn’t be able to reach those goals as long as they ran alongside me. I encouraged them to go ahead without me. As long as I knew the route, I’d be fine. So, after a while I just got used to running on my own.

By the time I got to half marathon training, I was still on my own a lot of the time. This time though, I had a few more people checking in on me from time to time. They weren’t necessarily running beside me, but they would at least keep an eye on me from a distance. I guess it was necessary due to the long distances. No one wanted me to just keel over mid-route. During these long runs, I learned to listen to my body, and recognize the difference been being a little tired and having true heavy fatigue. I was making little improvements here and there, but not anything drastic. It wasn’t until my third time through the training schedule that things really started changing.

During this third time through the schedule, I was asked to be a group leader by the coaches for that cycle. Of course, I questioned the rationale for such a decision, but they insisted that my consistency with training would be valuable. It didn’t matter if I was slow, because this time around there were people that were just as slow as I was. So, through the training I stuck with them and encouraged them as much as I could. Over time, due to slowing down, I actually found myself becoming a bit of a stronger runner. Shocking, really. I made it out of that training cycle with my best half marathon time.

My fourth half marathon training cycle happened this past summer. I was determined to make the training count, so I diligently followed the plan and tried to challenge myself whenever possible. I did find myself getting a little faster. I really do think that this was my breakthrough cycle. My body finally figured out what to do with itself. Sure, the resulting race was kind of crappy, but under more sympathetic conditions I know I would have improved my race time.

That all leads me to this clinic that I’m coaching right now. Due to my position, I’ve been doing my best to train earnestly just so I could set a good example. I’ve been pushing myself and I’ve been getting results. Also, I’ve been losing weight by counting calories. I’m sure my lighter frame is helping me to move better. Somehow it clicked that I was suddenly running more mid-pack than at the rear. It wasn’t something I was intentionally aiming for, but it’s almost as if it just happened.

So that’s been my progression over the past few years. It’s definitely heartening to see that persistence and training really do pay off. Perhaps it’s slower for some people than for others, but it just goes to show that sticking with something makes all the difference.

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With people

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Tue. January 19, 2010

I’ve written a lot about how much I’ve improved in my running abilities as of late. I’ve been working hard and it’s paid off. Just the other day I was able to explain my progress with a simple statement, which seems to convey so much thought.

“These days, I’m actually able to run with people.”

How profound.

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Hardcore discomfort

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Mon. January 18, 2010

I think I really put a heck of a lot of effort into yesterday’s run and subsequent plyometrics class because I’ve been really sore since this morning. It’s not even with only one muscle group. I can feel it in my glutes, quads, hamstrings, inner thighs. As you can imagine, moving around was totally difficult today. Sitting down anywhere was an ordeal. I’ve had to slowly lower myself until I kind of just plop down. After work, I decided to try to walk it out, but I totally felt every single nuance in the sidewalk’s slope. Even the slightest uphill section became this large mound that I had to tread gently on. I couldn’t hold my usual stride, so all of my steps were slow and deliberate. I walked like this all while at least attempting to maintain some semblance of control and/or dignity. It’s all I could do.

On the one hand, I’m just plain tired and wish that I didn’t have to deal with this discomfort. On the other hand I know that my leg muscles will become even stronger after they recover. That will help me out immensely when running. So, I guess that means that I’m willing to just put up with it all. The only other times that I’ve dealt with such discomfort have been right after my large races, but even then the discomfort from those is usually localized. I just haven’t had so many leg muscle groups affected all at once before. It’s a strange feeling.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I’ll be better off by tomorrow morning or else my run later in the evening is going to be torturous.

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If I hadn’t stepped out of the bubble

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Sun. January 17, 2010

I was just reflecting on this a little bit earlier. Some days I wonder what life would be like if I continued living a somewhat cowardly existence by continuing to put up with the people who made me feel inferior, or like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I think back then all I wanted was a little approval. Really, isn’t that what all of us want? In the end, we all just want people to like us for who we are. And yet, years ago, I was in some situation where I just didn’t feel right.

Back then, due to circumstance I was always the odd one out. It’s hard when everyone else is working on one thing and you’re off in your own world toiling away on things that they couldn’t care less about. It was in this environment that I was trying to find a way in. Despite my serious nature, in a home setting I’m easy enough to get along with. My will to please was running rampant. In particular, there was one person with whom I used to be close with, but over time it turned into personal rejection after personal rejection. Despite this, I didn’t really realize right away that my life didn’t have to revolve around these people. Looking back, my heart kind of breaks for that old Jason. Poor, poor fool.

It wasn’t until a chance encounter, and invitation to watch Idol with people that I didn’t know that well, that it dawned on me that life outside of the bubble was entirely possible. I realized that there are people out there that could possibly accept me in all of my eccentric and maladjusted glory. That’s when I started extricating myself from the poison. Case in point that no one really cared: I haven’t received any contact at all from any one of those old people. Sure, communication is a two way street, but I’m not letting them off the hook. Seeing as how the relationship was lopsided away from my favour, I’m not the one that needs to reach out. Screw that.

So, if I had stayed in that situation, I would be a totally different person that I am today. First of all though, I question whether I would have been able to put up with all that for much longer than I did. I surely think I’d be more messed up than I already was. I have a need for people to like me. Without having that need fulfilled, I think I’d mentally feel like a total failure. I’d still be trying hard to please them. The level of absurdity of the lengths I’d go would probably be higher. Overall, I don’t see myself being content, and depression would have sunk in long ago.

Enough of that though. Yes, all of that is very doom and gloom isn’t it? Let me state that I’ve very glad that I stepped out of that realm. If it wasn’t for that, I might not have gotten closer with friends that eventually became future roommates. I might not have had the improvements in my grades that I was able to achieve since my mind would have been occupied elsewhere. I would not have bonded so strongly with my university classmates because instead of spending time in the labs I would have been in the unit with the others. I am so fortunate that I have these connections with classmates; some of them are still going strong after all these years. More than anything, I’m glad that I was able to find myself. I was able to realize that I am worth my time. I am hardly broken; I am unique. I suppose then that the experiences I had before do serve a purpose after all. They’ve made me stronger and more confident in myself.

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Acting up

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Sat. January 16, 2010

I’ve mentioned a couple of times on here that I’m not particularly a fan of New Year’s resolutions. It’s not because of some bad experience in the past or anything traumatic like that. I just believe that making resolutions should be a year-round thing. Why should a resolution made in January mean much more than a resolution in July? Ah, but this has all been said before. So, anyway, despite all of this fuss, I’ve made it a point over the next little while to do something that takes me outside of my comfort zone. The comfort zone sure is nice and cozy, isn’t it? However, if you don’t challenge your boundaries once in a while you will never grow outwards.

So. For a while now I’ve been toying with the idea of taking improv classes. Why improv? Well, long ago I remember seeing the British version of Whose Line Is It Anyway? and thinking that it was a laugh riot. All of the participants seemed to be having a great time. I think part of me wanted to play those same games. Unfortunately, no one around me was really into that sort of thing, so I tucked it away in the back of my mind. So, flash forward to some point maybe two years ago. A colleague of mine mentioned that he was actively participating in an improv troupe. I was in awe. I mean, here was this technical guy who was still able to make time to do something in that realm. That piqued my curiosity. So, I guess I must have mentioned improv in passing to one of my friends. She ended up going online to find out where in the city it was possible to take classes. The list she provided stuck with me since then, but once again I put it on the back burner. Living with my parents at the edges of the city meant that logistically it was just tough to do anything like that. And now here I am in my own place with easy access to the subway lines. I really had no excuse to not dive in. So, I finally got around to signing up for something that I wanted to try out for what seems like forever. I decided to take the Level 100 Beginner’s class at Bad Dog Theatre.

The class itself was fascinating. Just like it was advertised, the class composition had people from all walks of life. Some people had acting experience, while others were looking to improve their public speaking skills. Some got the class as a Christmas gift, and some were doing it for research. Go figure. Immediately, we were getting into activities that tried to get us out of our heads. I completely enjoyed the opportunity to act out and be silly. I mean, being a noisemaker at work is generally frowned upon, right?

Concepts like giving and accepting offers were introduced. It was interesting to find out and realize that you have to strike a balance between going for the obvious and being creative. You want to pick up on what makes sense in the context of the situation all while being creative. At the same time, you don’t want to go off on a complete tangent and “go to the moon” because that’s just confusing and doesn’t make for a good narrative. Whatever idea is brought forth, it seems to be important to just take it and run with it. Fascinating, really. It seems to be important to really commit to whatever direction the narrative is taken. For example, for one activity we’re supposed to non-verbally act out an action while another person would announce the action obliquely (say it without actually saying it). So, I decided to act out like I was pulling on some rope that was lifting some object. I was really physically going for it, grunting and jumping and pulling down like nobody’s business. The other person was watching me, trying to figure out what to say. I was still grunting and pulling but still there was no response. Instead of stopping, I just pulled, jumped, and grunted harder like a madman. That’s how I was committed.

At the end, our final activity was something of a continuous rage-off. We got up, five at a time, and were each given a topic to be angry about. The teacher would then point to each of us for a few seconds, at which point where just supposed to talk about why the said topic makes us angry. When I got up, I was given the topic of the film industry. Whenever the teacher pointed to me I started spewing all this talk about high budgets ($500 million for a movie? Why don’t they send that money to an impoverished country?), overpaid actors (They’re paid to just be there and look pretty? Fuck that!), and ridiculous critics (Don’t tell me what I want to fucking watch!). With each topic I could really feel the anger rising. I was kind of getting lost in it all. The teacher started jumping around faster and faster. Finally I got the last word in and all I could blurt was “AND DAMN THE PG RATING!!!” And that’s when the activity ended. Brilliant! I actually had a few people tell me that they were feeling my rage and were getting angry with me. Yay! Compliments!

All in all, it was a very enjoyable situation. Those 2.5 hrs flew by really quickly. It seems that I’m pretty good at noisemaking, physical stuff, and rage. To anyone that knows me: is it really that surprising? I’m entirely excited to see what else I can learn. This seems to be an activity that I love. These next few weeks are going to be completely awesome!

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