Pulled this one off the Torontoist.
Monthly Archive: February 2010
Scowling and horrified
I’ve been tweaking my closet lately, mostly out of necessity. I mean, a lot of my favourite items are now kind of baggy on me. Some stuff that I haven’t worn in a long while is downright tent like now. All of this new buying is mildly confusing for me. It’s given me an opportunity to try some new things out, but it also means that I have to spend some time trying to figure out what I want my projected style to be. Indeed, this is a chance to reinvent myself if I choose to do so.
All week I’ve been testing things out at work. I haven’t been dressing radically different, but rather with one or two small changes here or there just to gauge how things are received. In general, people have been noticing and the feedback has been positive. Today though I kind of went all out: purple oxford shirt, houndstooth vest, fitted leather jacket, flat cap. God, I felt mildly self-conscious. Was I overdoing it? Did I look like a fool? Did it look like I was trying too hard? Well, seriously, I got a lot of compliments today as well as a lot of questions as to why I was dressed up today. I didn’t have a honest answer. As much as everything worked, I can’t help but feel the pendulum swung too far and leaned slightly into overkill. I mean, my goal is to look put together but understated. Maybe I’m just over-thinking it? After all, a lot of people thought the look worked. I think a couple of female colleagues noticed my apparent discomfort at receiving compliments. They flat out told me that I needed to learn to accept compliments gracefully. Instead, I apparently tend to scowl or look horrified. Ha! I wasn’t even aware that that’s what I was projecting. It makes sense that I’d act that way though. I mean, I’m not used to getting such comments. I don’t want to just say “oh, I have to get used to it” because just like that it could all be gone again.
Well, ultimately, I’m going to end up finding a comfortable balance point. Either I’ll stop feeling so self-conscious, or I’ll figure out how to work the new clothes into a more usual Jason-like look. Just give me some time, eh?
Who the heck is this schmuck in my kitchen?
Very interesting night for me. Most of it was pretty unplanned, which is kind of fascinating for me because spontaneity isn’t generally something I’m known for.
Yes, this coming from someone taking improv classes, but anyway…
So, this story starts at work. I was having a rough day, just questioning a lot about my past, and my general self-worth in terms of my career. I mean, really, if I look back to university, I’m hearing about a lot of my former classmates doing great things in our field. In comparison, what the heck am I doing with myself? And why is there so much turmoil at the moment? Anyway, I ended up staying at work for a while just talking with colleagues and discussing my options. As I did I was drinking a large amount of tea just to keep my system busy. Before I knew it, it was past 6 p.m. so I left and decided to walk my frustrations out. Somewhere along the way I decided to just walk along the subway line as far east as I could toward my place. I figured that if I get tired somewhere along the way I could just bail and go underground.
A good 70 minutes or so into my trek, I started feeling the urge to go to the bathroom. Instead of bailing, I decided to just stop at the next available Tim Hortons. I was at the one at Sherbourne and Bloor and ordered a small coffee because I didn’t want to just use the washroom without getting anything–that’s just rude, isn’t it? As I received my coffee I looked around and didn’t notice a washroom. I asked about it and I was told to head to the McDonalds down the road. Curses! I drank my coffee and headed out and saw that the McD was a good distance west. Instead of backtracking I just decided to tough it out and continue eastward.
OK, so I made it to the next subway station, at which point I was totally tempted to quit and head home. However, I saw that I was close to the Bloor Viaduct. I’d always wanted to walk across it so I skipped the station and decided to trek across. Before getting there out of the corner of my eye I saw some guy staggering in my direction. I kind of ignored him and went along my way. As I passed him I smelled that he was smoking a joint. Wow…mildly bold, right? I noticed that at both ends of the bridge there was a phone booth and a sign indicating that if anyone is distressed they should call the listed phone number. Interesting. I mean, I know that the bridge is known for being a hot spot for jumpers, but wow.
After crossing, I made it to the next station, I decided to just proceed eastward because I was rather close to the theatre where I take my improv classes. I was just curious to see what shows were playing this night. I checked the listings in the window but I wasn’t entirely gripped. However, by that point I really had to pee so I ventured inside. Since a show was starting in 5-10 minutes I decided to just buy a ticket. After relieving myself I sat down and took in the show. Playing was Macro Neato, in which advanced students take suggestions and put on a good show. Frankly, I was interested in seeing the improv principles that I was learning be put into action by people that have been doing it for a while. I was able to recognize people making offers and seeing other people running with them. I saw a couple of them struggle briefly, which was comforting to me because it showed that even after a lot of practice and stage time it’s still possible to draw blanks on occasion.
You know, I was prepared to just enjoy the show, but by chance I somehow made it onto stage. No kidding. There was one scene where there were two people working in the back of a kitchen as cooks. They were starting to rebel against their boss when the boss pointed out the angry customers that were still waiting for their food. One of the performers actually sat down next to me. I was wondering what was going on until she said that she and her husband had been waiting for their eggs for ages and were angry at the cooks. It took me a moment before I realized that I was her spouse. I didn’t say anything, but I nodded with the angry wife and tried to look frustrated, too. The cooks complained that they were better at other things. One of them suggested that they used to be in Cirque de Soleil. The performer next to me picked up on that and suggested that they perform. So the cooks went back up on stage. The performer–my wife–headed for the stage too but beckoned for me to come with her. Umm…OK. I didn’t know what else to do so I went up with her. At one point the person playing the boss yelled “Who the heck is this schmuck in my kitchen???” I just shrugged and played along with the wife. When the cooks did a move, the wife clapped and looked at me. I just clapped along furiously trying to look amazed. Aaaand, then the scene ended and I was sent back to my seat. Honestly, that was a lot of fun for me. I didn’t refuse anything that was asked of me and just went with the flow, which is pretty much a big aspect of improv, isn’t it? I enjoyed it.
In the second half of the show they were taking suggestions for movie genres. I threw out burlesque as one. That was tossed out. After a few more from others I yelled out “spaghetti western!” That almost got chosen but the emcee kept going. I finally offered “cheap disaster flick!” which the emcee took and got the ball rolling. All of the improv in that section had to be disaster films. That was fun. They did really well with that suggestion. All in all, it was a great night. After the performance, there was a chance to participate in “The Jam” which is open to anyone in terms of performing. I would have stayed, but I didn’t feel confident enough. Then again, the event was designed for all skill levels. Still, I think I wanted to just head home at that point. Maybe another time.
So yeah, that’s my night. Because of work it could have turned into a self-pity night, but I was able to forget my worries. After a good night’s sleep I can face tomorrow with new vigour.
Running log: 2010/02/16
I actually wanted to write about this yesterday, but I decided to hold off on it because I wanted to put some space between what happened and the act of putting words on the page.
So.
Last night, after seventeen long weeks we finally reached the final week of our half marathon clinic. Sure, race day is actually two weeks away but for whatever reason the store’s home office decided to start this training cycle early. I’ve adjusted the schedule so that we have extra runs and that we have the taper week timed properly with the race. In terms of the clinic nights and the scheduled talks I kept those the same. For this last week I decided to focus on the accomplishments of each group member. I went to each one and I asked what sort of progress and improvements they felt they had made since the start of the training cycle in October. As I listened to each story, I got the sense that each person was entirely proud of their personal journeys. I was able to comment on each one and provided encouragement where it was appropriate. All in all, for me it was a feel good session.
After the talk we went out for our run. I scheduled this to be a six kilometre tempo run. That meant that I wanted people to push harder than their average runs, but not quite as fast as race pace. The route I chose is a gentle uphill climb for about two kilometres. From there it’s mostly downhill. For the first kilometre or so of the run, I was taking it a little bit easy because I didn’t want to burn out right in the first kilometre. The front of the pack was already well ahead because they were able to evade the stop lights along the way. After the first kilometre I started to pick up the pace a little bit. One other runner that tends to run at my pace stayed with me as we pulled away from the rest of the others. From there, I started pushing myself little by little. I knew that once I reached the top I’d be able to let go and let gravity do a lot of the work. As such, I wanted to put a good amount of effort to get to the top. Soon I was running in the lower 6:00/km range.
As I went, I kept assessing myself. Could I keep up the pace? How was my breathing? Can I work through the lactic acid in the legs? Even though I was getting fatigued, I knew that I could push through for at least the next little while. There were a few moments though where I just declared out loud that I had intentions of slowing down a little bit because the pace was just a bit too insane for me. The person I was running with agreed. Every time she started to slow down though I seemed to just push even harder. Funny how that works. We kind of laughed at it. I mean, mentally I’m sure I wanted to take it down a notch. After all, I didn’t want to risk injuring myself, but my body was telling me that I could keep it up, so I did. As we ran down the hill, I was really getting some speed. My stride was shortened and my turnover rate picked up. I know that my Garmin was reading 5:45/km for some of it. For someone like me, that’s just a bit crazy. I didn’t want to burn out, so I kept pushing it.
One and a half kilometres later we were at the bottom of the hill and had to contend with a small incline before the stretch back to store. At that point I was really really feeling muscle fatigue. My breathing was also getting laboured. Even through speed training, we have brief periods of recovery between our 1.6 km bursts. Not this time though. I really wanted to take it down, but I figured that I’d probably regret it, so I pushed through. I knew that panic has a tendency to really sneak in when it’s unwanted, so as I pushed I made an effort to slow my breathing down and centre myself. My running buddy was also pushing hard. She exclaimed to me: “You can’t pin this one on me this time!” She was right. This one was my doing. In an effort to get up that hill I was really pumping my arms to the point where is was almost becoming inefficient. I felt like I needed the momentum just to drive me forward.
When we rounded the corner we just pushed hard for the last part back to the store. I knew that there was no point in slowing down even if I knew it was the sensible thing. I was afraid to look at my watches, for fear that it would encourage me to either speed up or slow down. When I got back, I stopped my watches and saw that we had completed the run at an average of around 6:15/km. We came in under 38 minutes. Now, I’m sure that’s achievable for a lot of people, but for me that’s completely insane. Never in a million years would I have imagined making a 6K run in under 40 minutes, let alone 38.
Even though it was only a training run, as we stretched at the side of the store I felt a flood of pride just wash over me. It’s not like this was even a goal of mine, and yet, the fact that I’d achieved something like that made me so very proud. As I stretched, close by was someone from the Learn to Run clinic that I had taught last year. She’s been progressing slowly through the clinics and has done well in the 5K class. I was keen to tell her that given a bit of time she can achieve some unbelievable goals. I know she knew that, but I wanted to use the run that I had just finished as a perfect on-the-fly lesson. I really do hope I was able to inspire her. I mean, I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to work my way up. Speed never did come naturally for me. I’ve tried my best to stay dedicated and consistent. That combination’s paid off in so many ways in the past few years, but last night really struck me hard. Amazing stuff.
Crumbling
…aaaand the other shoe just dropped today.
That little piece of land that I’m standing on is crumbling away at a high rate.
I’m truly the last man standing.
I can manage for another month and a half…but should I really be handling the burden on my own? Won’t I go crazy?
God, help me.
Mundane socialization
Last night, given that today would be Family Day I decided to sleep over at my parents place just so that we could all have breakfast together. I didn’t really sleep all that well in my old bed. I think my body’s just used to the firmness of the new mattress. I didn’t let it sour my mood too much because breakfast was nice and relaxed. I got to catch up on the various bits of family-related news and the exciting plans and projects on the horizon.
In all of the excitement that came with becoming independent and leaving the nest, there’s one thing that I didn’t realize I’d miss: I really miss having family around. When I was living with them, it was just so easy to take for granted the fact that they were around. At the very least, they were people that I could talk to without effort.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love being on my own. This is my sanctuary. Still, mundane socialization now takes a little bit of effort. For someone like me that’s problematic. I’m not really the type of person that doesn’t seem to actively reach out unless it’s through some readily available means. One interesting side result is that my interactions at work with my colleagues suddenly become more important. Man, how messed up is that?
(Now now, my colleagues are awesome. Just sayin’)
I guess, all I’m saying is that there’s still a lot about this living on my own thing that I have yet to figure out. I suppose I’m fortunate that I tend to do well enough on my own. There are a lot of people out there that just need to have people around at all times. There are also other that need to be in a relationship in order to function. I’m managing just fine, thank you very much. I just have to remember that my social needs require a bit of attention now and then. If I don’t cater to that need I might just snap all of a sudden without warning. That would not be a good thing.
Running log: 2010/02/14
This morning we had a 20K run scheduled. Being close to the end of this current training cycle, our distances are pretty much close to the race distance. I was aware that it would take a large amount of time to get through, but I didn’t mind; part of me treats these long runs as something of a badge of honour. I’ve worked hard to get to this point, so I’m privileged to have the ability to run this distance, know what I mean?
Well, as we set out, I immediately knew that I was feeling a tiny bit off. Perhaps I was a little bit uneasy at having to cover the distance. It’s been months since I’ve had to do it. The people that I’d normally run with pulled up a little bit ahead of me. I was originally planning on pushing a little bit hard to keep up, but I changed my mind. I fell back to the group behind me and declared that I planned on taking it easy. And that’s how it went for the first few kilometres.
A bit past 8K, I started talking with one of the store’s running veterans. Absent-mindedly, we started pulling ahead of the rest of the group. Minutes later we were a good distance ahead. I was assessing how I felt, and I actually felt somewhat comfortable. Though, I knew that I was pushing myself just to keep up. I figured I’d just keep it up for the next little while to see what I could do. That continued on for another eight kilometres. There were a couple of moments where we really were going absurdly fast for a training Sunday. I keep on telling the people in my class that our Sunday runs should be at a relaxed pace. This morning’s run had me ignoring my own advice. I know, that’s really bad of me, isn’t it?
At around the 16K mark the person I was running with had to turn around and head back early. So, I was left on my own to complete the distance. Without her to keep me going, I actually decided to take the pressure off myself and slow down to a more manageable pace. That’s how I completed my 20K. Overall I felt great about the whole thing. Having pushed myself a little harder than I normally would, I know that if there’s a need to burst forward for a little bit on race day, I can manage.
Yes, the race is still weeks away, but I am having a good feeling about it even now. Ready to rock it.
Mentally blocking my efforts
I was over at the mall hanging out with Sharon who I’ve known for what seems like forever. We didn’t really have a goal in mind, but eventually it turned into a bit of a clothing hunt for me. I was all too happy to take advantage of the opportunity because it’s not often that I have female help to go shopping. After picking up a couple of new shirts, we headed into the leather store on a whim. I originally wanted to skip it because of my goal of buying a new jacket only when I hit 180 lbs. As of this morning I was only 3 lbs. off, but I didn’t want to reward myself early. Still, the signs in the store windows indicated that there was a sale, so I was just curious.
I told my friend that I was looking for a bomber length jacket. When we went in she seemed to head straight for something that caught her eye. As she started looking for a size, a salesperson came by and asked what size we were looking for: “medium or large?” Instinctively I replied “large.” I put the jacket on and it was OK. I don’t think I was too sold on it though. The salesperson picked up a similar jacket with slightly different detailing, and I put it on. My friend commented that she liked the design, but they didn’t seem too convinced. The salesperson suddenly exclaimed, “let’s try a medium!” When I heard that I was unconvinced. Come on. Medium? No freaking way, right? Well, I just wanted to humour them so I put it on. When I did they were both “WHOOOOA!” Apparently it looked perfect. I wasn’t sure, but they were telling me it was working, so I believed them and bought the jacket. I currently plan to just hold on to it up until I hit 180. Still, I’m just shocked that I was able to get into that thing.
It’s amazing how much my experiences growing up play into my sense of self these days. I suppose it’s obvious that it would, but still. Part of me would like to say that I’ve changed and matured enough such that what happened before shouldn’t factor into anything. However, it’s just not the case. I never would have imagined that I’d find myself in a medium-sized anything. Mentally my mind just keeps telling me not to even bother trying because it just won’t work. It never did before, so why would it now? These experiences are telling me that I need to keep an open mind. I’m working hard on changing myself. I can’t sabotage my efforts by mentally blocking myself, right?
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