So, where does the madness end? I’ve gotten to the point where I can wear size 33 pants. I mean, I remember that it was only a while ago that I was amazed that size 36 worked for me. I have a few friends that wear 33 or 32, and I don’t consider them to be overweight in the least. And yet, here I am, still feeling like I have a lot of progress to make.
All things considered, I’m healthy. I’m currently going through marathon training. I do plyometrics now and then. I’ve only recently taken up Moksha yoga, which is routinely kicking my ass. My resting heart rate is in the 40s. That’s pretty darn good. I feel OK, but there’s still this lingering feeling that there are improvements just within reach. And since they’re within reach why wouldn’t I got for them? Why can’t I just be content? I mean, sure, this is positive in the sense that at least I’m striving for self-improvement. All the same, I’m mildly scared of a few things. First, I’m scared that I might turn this into a completely unhealthy obsession. I admit that it’s starting to get bad. I apologize to anyone that’s had to put up with my angsty whining about progress or lack thereof. Secondly, I’m scared of failure. I’m working hard, and I’ve made tons of progress. Still, I’m petrified of rolling back, or just not getting to a point where I’m content. I’m doing everything right in terms of weight loss. It’s going slow, and I’m not cutting out a lot of what I like eating; everything has its place. As of now, getting back to the heights I was at before would require me to have something of a mental lapse. I don’t know.
I have to put some more thought into the end game. I mean, at the moment it’s just some nebulous concept, like, “at some point I will not need to be so vigilant about cutting back.” I need to define some rules and limits. Though, I suppose in some ways the new consciousness doesn’t really end. I’ve built up some really good habits since the start of last October, and I don’t expect those to just disappear when I’m done. I think I just want a more normal platform from which I can live life.
Normal. Hahahah. *sigh*
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