Well, anyone who knows me knows that my battle with weight is a bit of an ongoing theme. Since I can remember I’ve been a little heavier than average. By the end of university it kind of ballooned to a rather bad point. From then I’ve battled my way back down. The year 2010 was a great year for weight loss. It’s like everything clicked, and I eventually go down to about 172 lbs. or so. That was about October 2010. The loss was long and slow, so I knew that I wouldn’t yo-yo back to where I once was. I did figure though that things would equalize, and they did. At this time I’m at about 183 or so. Not that bad, but there’s a part of me that’s looking at what I had achieved months ago and wishing that I had somehow held onto that. It’s been my goal to sort of claw my way back down. It’s been tough. I mean, there have been little things that have sort of affected my mind state with regards to all this. For example, there are about 2 shirts that I used to be able to wear at my slimmest that I can no longer button up. Same with two pairs of pants. I have a few suits. One is far too big. The others are slightly snug since I bought them when I was lighter. I’m sort of stuck in a limbo state. This is all piling up making me want to find a way to reach my goals in a more definite state. It’s slightly obsessive, but that’s where I’m at.
It’s kind of interesting in that despite gaining a little weight I don’t consider myself to be unhealthy in the least. I still run. I still coach. My resting heart rate is still awesomely low. I’m just carrying extra weight–either in my belly or in muscle. Probably both, right? Anyway, this morning I was asking some people I was running with if it looked like I was packing on the pounds. They told me that I didn’t really look it. One chimed in that I’m just muscular. In my mind I call it being boxy. I said that some clothes no longer fit. That’s when one replied that she thought that I looked far too thin at one point back when I was at my lowest. Interesting. Did I consider that before? Even at my lowest there were still “improvements” that I was hoping for. However, was I carrying it a bit far? I do remember my mom complaining that my face looked a little gaunt at one point. She wanted me to gain weight to fill things in. I kind of brushed it off. Now it seems like she wasn’t the only one that thought it was a bit much. How many more people are out there that thought the same thing but didn’t tell me? I don’t know.
So yeah, it’s a tough balance to strike. Perhaps this is my ideal equilibrium point. Maybe I’m just designed to be a little bigger. I think even if I stay the same weight if I lose fat and gain muscle I’d feel just fine. I need to figure out where I need to be. Those two suits that are slightly snug are needed for this weekend since I’m heading to a wedding. Do I need to work hard and lose a bit to make them fit better in the span of one week? That can’t possibly be healthy. Can I just be happy? Hmm. I really need to work on accepting myself while finding ways to better my state. I know, I know. I’m a mess of goals and thoughts. Ultimately I want to find myself in a state where this is no longer an issue. I don’t know what that means other than I’d be free of all of these crippling thoughts and ideals. It’s tough, but I’ll find.
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