citizen of the planet

Training’s important, yeah?  That’s the only way to get better at anything you do.  It’s why I’ve been putting in so much time on the road over the past few years.  Of course, if I compare my running abilities now with how I was then, of course I’m a lot better these days.  Duh.  There are still things though that don’t seem to get easier.  No matter how mentally prepared I am to do a particular distance, if the weather conditions don’t cooperate I’m going to have trouble.  There’s no shame in it, but it’s something I have to be aware of.

This morning I had a 32 kilometres run scheduled.  I was mentally psyching myself up for it since the day before.  I knew that such a run would likely take me around 4 to 4.5 hours at a slow speed.  I wasn’t intending to go fast at all because I wasn’t sure how my body would react to tackling such a long distance.  There was a light breeze going, and the sky was overcast.  I thought these were great conditions.  It wasn’t until an experienced veteran commented on the humidity level that I became worried.  How could I not notice?  It really was gross.  I didn’t want to let that stop me though.  By the 7K mark my shirt was already soaked with sweat.  It was so water-logged that my shorts became wet as well.  Not pleasant.  Now, as much as I label myself as a particularly sweaty person, even that’s pretty ridiculous for me.

I kept going as best I could.  I was starting to really feel heavy fatigue by 23K.  Along the way there’s a long up hill portion.  I pushed through it, but from that point I was wiped out.  At 27K I basically hit the wall.  It’s such an odd experience.  No matter how much I wanted to move my legs, I just could not maintain a run.  I was mentally telling myself that I could do it, and that the discomfort can be ignored.  My legs begged to differ.  Even as much as I wanted to move forward, I kept reverting to a walk.  There were a few moments where I felt like I’d just vomit if I tried to push any more.  Man, mentally I was feeling bad.  On the way back, things were really stop and go.  I did make it back, but I really had absolutely nothing left in the tank.

It took me a few moments and some pep talks from the store staff to help put things into perspective.  At the very least, I can say that I really pushed my body to its physical limit.  With better weather I’m sure I would have made it back without feeling so gross.  Yeah, I’m not happy, but when Mother Nature chooses such conditions there’s nothing you can really do.  This is one of the aspects of summer running that people don’t often consider.  It’s entirely why I prefer winter running to summer running.

I’m now at the point in marathon training where my distances on Sundays hit their biggest numbers.  Three of our runs are 29K long, and 2 of them are 32K long.  Today was our first 29K run.  Yesterday, when I received a copy of the route that I’d be running this morning I started feeling a little bit apprehensive.  The route took us way out into the countryside from which there really wasn’t any quick way out if there was any reason to bail.  Also, the idea of running 4 hours was freaking me out.  Sure, God knows that if I want to run a marathon I’ll be out there for a longer period: probably somewhere between 5 and 6 hours.  Even so, four hours is a damn long time. The sour cherry on top of all of this was the thought that I’d be running the full thing alone.

In order to mentally digest the route, I route it all out on a sheet of paper.  I listed the path, turn by turn.  I wrote down the estimated distance covered at each turn.  I also used Google Maps street view to get a good idea of what I’d be seeing.  All of that helped to ease my mind.  Also, I put the run into perspective.  Two weeks ago I covered my 26K run well enough.  If I could tap into that source of running Zen that I did last time, I’d be fine.  Besides, what’s another 3K on top of that?

As we all gathered for a quick briefing before leaving I just stood in silence, pondering what the day would bring.  It was breezy, but the sun was shining brightly.  I was glad that I slapped on sunblock and brought sunglasses.  Before I knew it we were off.  Immediately I felt like the whole group was running a bit faster than usual.  I chose to have none of that, so I took my time.  They pulled out far ahead, and really, after the first 2K I had lost sight of them.  I’m used to running alone, but today seeing how quickly I lost sight of them was hard.  It didn’t matter though.  I mean, what was I going to do?  Just turn back?  No.  I knew they route and was determined to cover the same route they were doing.  At around 3.5K I crossed paths with two of my previous running coaches in the half marathon clinic.  They expressed concern saying that I shouldn’t run alone.  Well, in an ideal world that wouldn’t be the case, but I can deal with that.  I told myself that if I keep my focus I’ll be fine.  When we parted, I started to feel even lonelier, but again I set that aside and decided to just focus on my body.

When I got to the farthest eastern point I felt like I was way out on the edge of town.  I started heading north and there was no sidewalk, so I ran on the side of the road, always conscious of the occasional car that passed by.  Off in the distance, I could still make out housing developments, but man, they seemed far.  A couple of kilometres north and the scenery became more farm-like.  Oh man.  I didn’t let it scare me though.  During a run, I’m generally successful at keeping my mind clear, or occupied enough to not let unnecessary things creep in.  People often suggest that I run with music to keep myself occupied.  Personally, I don’t like doing that because I want to maintain a level of awareness of my surroundings.  As well, I need to be able to focus on my body’s warning signs instead of focusing on earphone cords, or songs that I don’t want to listen to.  So what do I think about?  Sometimes I focus on what’s aching and whether it’s serious.  Other times I have an ongoing dialogue with myself with reassuring messages.

“Jason, you’re strong.”
“You’re getting sloppy. Check your posture.”
“Of course you’re tired. Work through it.”

All of that helps.  When I’m not thinking of any of that, I might end up singing songs in my head that would be on my iPod.  It works.  The time flies by with all of that.  I actually find a bit of strength in solitude.  I can’t afford to be weak when I’m running on my own.  At around 14K I started smelling cows, and for whatever reason I figured that it would be a great place to pass gas.  I started farting loudly out in the countryside.  I mean, everyone was far ahead; no one would hear me.  Just out of curiosity I looked behind and I saw another running a few hundred metres back.  Oops.  It was probably far enough such that he wouldn’t hear anything, but I still felt mildly sheepish.  I laughed it off though and picked up the pace to create some distance.  Funny…I never saw him again.  Even though I started out slow, I picked up the pace from about 7K onward.  It was a decent pace (for me) and I felt strong enough.

I started feeling a bit of killer fatigue at 23K and I felt myself slowing down.  I knew I had the energy to keep going though, so I focused my thoughts on my legs for a while.  I knew they were tired and kind of achy, but I didn’t feel that my forward motion was being impeded.  As long as I had the energy, I could continue moving.  This was the running Zen state that I felt two weeks ago.  I tapped into it again.  That last 6K flew by.

When I got back I saw a couple of other runners from my clinic stretching by the side.  I couldn’t help but cheer loudly.  Before my run I was afraid that I’d be a blubbering idiot, but no, I was completely proud and ecstatic.

So, at this point I’m no longer scared of my 30K race in a few weeks.  Nor am I scared of the 32K runs coming up.  The full marathon is still giving me a bit of apprehension, but I can deal with that.

Sleep calls.

Today was a bit of a community event at my Running Room location.  Actually, all RR locations had their 20 Minute Challenge today.  This year’s event gave us a red hat, which is going to get good usage from me.  I have several red technical shirts and that hat will coordinate well when there’s a need.  It’s a lot more useful than the bright green one I got two years ago.  Anyway, the thing about the RR that I go to is that after the 20 Minute Challenge we always have a barbecue at the nearby park.  It’s nice to just gather together and socialize with people in our running community.  It also tends to being together a lot of people who may not have seen each other in a long time.  It seems like today I got a hell of a lot of people complimenting me over the amount of weight I’ve lost.  I’ve made a lot of big changes over the past ten months, so yeah, the compliments were certainly welcome.  Seeing as how that’s an obvious visible change, I kind of expected it to get mentioned.  Something else caught me off guard today though.  I ended up walking the challenge with a good group of people.  Among them was someone whom I hadn’t seen in ages.  She was my coach for the 2008-2009 winter half marathon clinic.  As we went along, she told me that it seemed like I was a lot more outgoing than she remembered.  That made me pause for thought.

I always say that no matter what happens I will always be me.  Yes, it sounds dumb and obvious, but I figure that there are some personality traits that ground me and define who “Jason” is.  Thing is…is that really true?  I’m supposed to be shy.  I’m supposed to be afraid of being bombastic.  I’m supposed to be sullen.  I didn’t display any of those traits today, and yet it all still felt entirely natural.  Yeah, like I always say, I’m like an onion.  Still, even if you peel away several layers of an onion, there’s still something definitive about it such that you can still say “that’s an onion.”  I thought I had a good handle on who I am and what makes me who I am at a fundamental level, but if I really sit down to think about it, I don’t think I do.  I’m not saying it’s necessarily a terrible thing, but it’s sort of bad when it feels like others have a better handle on me than I do myself.  What the hell is going on?

One of the things about the marathon training program is that the mileage really piles up fairly quickly.  Last week I wrote about how I had run the farthest I’d ever gone in my running career.  Today I had to repeat that, plus another 3 kilometres on top.  I was mentally ready.  Judging from how my body reacted to last week’s run, I decided to keep my pace this morning slow, but consistent.  After about the 7 kilometre mark I started running alone.  At that point, everyone was either or had broken off the route.  I was left to my thoughts.  Perhaps I was a little bit afraid that my head would be full of noise.  There are a lot of people that claim that they are unable to run without music or anything to keep themselves from focusing on the run.  I was afraid that without music I’d be apt to converse with myself and produce incessant chatter.  Interestingly, that wasn’t the case.  I can’t even say that I was fully focused on my actions either.  If I’m being honest, for a lot of it my mind was relatively blank.  My body just carried me forward without me having to worry much if things were aching or not.

On occasion I checked my watch to check that I was being consistent and not slowing down or speeding up.  Every now and then I’d take a sip from my backpack, then tighten the straps to make sure the backpack was snug.  I didn’t worry about trying to catch up with anyone.  I didn’t worry about how far along I’d gone, or how much distance was left.  I was aware of where I was on the route, but the distance didn’t matter.  I think that was one of the biggest things about this run.  It didn’t feel like how far I’d gone, or how much distance remained should have dictated how I ran.  Does that make sense?  Since I was consistent in terms of pace, I didn’t bother speeding up just to catch up, or slowing down to give myself a bit of a break.  My goal was to make sure I didn’t feel any worse at the end of the run than I did at the beginning.  In that sense, I felt successful.

By the end, I wasn’t really sweating heavily.  I wasn’t hurting.  I wasn’t out of breath.  I would say that I felt at peace, but that’s not entirely true.  I was ecstatic.  I finished the run feeling very positive, and the fact that this was a 26K run made things even better.  I probably could have carried the run a little bit farther if I needed to.  That’s how great I was feeling.  I’m sure that this won’t be the case all the time; everyone has good and bad runs.  All the same, I’m glad I had this experience because it’s almost as if I had finally tapped into my running zen.  Nothing else mattered in those moments.  No pain, no discomfort, no distance, no heat.  All that mattered at that very moment was the very act of running itself.

My training only carries me to 32K of a 42.2K racing distance.  I think I’m finally beginning to see how I’m going to be able to make it through the final ten.

This was an interesting day for me.  Today my run was the farthest I’ve ever gone.  With all of the half-marathon training I’ve done in the past two years, really the farthest I’ve gone is about 21-22 kilometres.  Of course, with marathon training the expectation is to farther than that.  This week is the first week that we’re scheduled to go over, so this was entirely new for me.  I was expecting to run on my own, but I kind of lucked out when someone decided that it was in her best interest to run with me.  As you know, I tend to go at a slow but steady pace on Sundays.  People who aren’t necessarily the slowest but tend to head out faster than they need to know that I can be counted on to keep them under control.  At least, that’s the impression I get from the people I run with.

I brought along my Camelbak for the run.  Yeah, that’s the water backpack that I had with me on the Scotiabank half last year.  After that race I avoided using it for a long time.  I was scared that I’d injure myself again.  Well, especially with this rotten heat I decided that my need for water was too great to not use it.  So, I’ve been making sure to secure the thing to my back as well as I can.  So far, it hasn’t been bad, though today I ended up with a sore right shoulder.  Better that than a sore lower back, I guess.  I just need to adjust and adjust until I get it right.

Not sure I can say much about the run itself.  Yes, it was hot out there, but the lack of humidity this morning made all the difference.  I didn’t really feel killer fatigue at any point.  Sure, I started to get worried at 17K when fatigue was knocking on my door, but I just mentally dealt with it all and carried on.  I was feeling strong enough at the end that I probably could have carried on a little farther if needed, but all the same, 23K was enough.  I ran into some people in my class that finished ahead of me.  They told me that it looked like I was relaxed and not that sweaty.  Hah!  Fooled them.  I used some water to splash my face along the way to keep my temperature down.  As well, right after the run I walked to the end of the parking lot and back to bring my heart rate down.  Seemed to work, I guess.

So, next week the mileage will jump to 26K.  I think I can tackle that without feeling overwhelmed.  I just need to prepare well like I did this week.  I can do this!

Some days I have to step back and wonder out loud whether I’m putting enough effort into taking care of my health.  Sure, this question is being asked now because of this long term bacterial thing I’ve got going.  I did write about being a bit of a hermit this weekend to allow my body to rest.  Thing is, that was only after going a whole week carrying about my usual activities, letting my symptoms manifest while my general health deteriorated.  I’ve been taking over-the-counter meds.  I decided to not bother going to my doctor despite having a fever because I was sure he’d just tell me to get more rest and perhaps prescribe some antibiotics.  What I experienced is nothing particularly spectacular, know what I mean?  I’m sure things would have cleared up faster, but I was willing to let my body duke it out.  I like to think that I have a strong immune system, so I was OK with letting it do its thing.

When I talk about my usual activities, I’m talking about running, working, etc.  I even found time to help my parents move boxes.  It seems like everything else took priority over myself.  I think in some perverse way I figured that just taking time for myself, even if it means battling an illness, is kind of selfish.  For example, I really enjoy improv so I end up telling myself that it’s simply not strenuous enough to make my conditions worse.  That’s a lie.  In the realm of work, with the transition happening I just toughed it out.  I couldn’t take time off in good conscience at the end of the contract, and I couldn’t take time off right at the start of a team switch when people want me to hit the ground running.

Oh, running. *shakes head*

I’ve been good about not running, if only because my stubbornness in wanting to train is what made my conditions worse than they could have been.  The only thing is since I’m in the middle of marathon training I’m missing precious training runs.  I’ve been concerned!  That brings me to today.  I was telling myself that today would be the day I returned to the store and joined back with the rest of the clinic.  It might have been psychosomatic, but in the last few minutes of the work day I was suddenly overcome by dizziness.  The train ride home was a bit hard.  I desperately wanted to nap, but I only managed to pick up a seat that requires vigilance in case the inner person wants out.  So I sat the whole ride in a zombie-like state, except without the whole brain craving thing.  When I got to the elevator I had to lean against the wall because I was just ill.  I eventually got in and just dropped on the bed.  I was just going to nap the night away but then decided against better judgment to head out and do the run anyway in the eat and humidity.

Well, the run went as well as I could have expected.  The heat and humidity really hit hard.  Despite that, I just soldiered on like everyone else.  I took a few walk breaks in what was supposed to be a steady run.  I also ran slower.  However, in the end I made it through.  I sweat so much that the sweat went right down the shirt and soaked my shorts.  How unpleasant.  The dizziness that was threatening me at the start had all but vanished.  So, in the end I made a good call.  Thing is, this could have turned bad fairly quickly.  I was aware of that and made sure to pay attention to any odd symptoms, and to make sure that I addressed any warning signs right away.  I had my phone on me, just in case. What’s interesting for me at this very moment is that…it almost seems like whatever remnants of the cough/cold I had before the run have been squashed.  The run may have burned it away.  Hmm…

So yeah, I guess I’m still challenging my health every now and then.  I won’t say that it’s out of stupidity, but perhaps it’s just that I have some sort of subconscious knowledge of where my limits happen to be, and whether or not I can get more out of myself than I first think I can.  I know that health is a fragile thing and shouldn’t be taken for granted.  I feel blessed that I can do such things and still get up in the morning.

I’ve been in the process of recovering from various illnesses that I somehow incurred on Thursday.  By Saturday, it seemed like the only remaining symptom was a sore throat.  Let’s just say that I’ve really been in need of a good expectorant lately.  Well, I figured that a sore throat wouldn’t keep me from doing my run this morning.  We were scheduled for 16K.  I thought that would be manageable.  I ran fairly slowly with two other people.  We were taking it easy.  In the heat, there’s no point in burning out quickly.  Well, about midway I started feeling a little bit uneasy in my gut.  I had to walk it out a few times.  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to puke or not.  It felt like my gastrointestinal system from my throat to my stomach was just clogged with mucus.  I wasn’t feeling well at all.  I didn’t have the greatest run, but I was able to complete it.  That’s all that mattered by the end.  When I got home though, it seems like the act of running just aggravated things.  I was running a little bit of a fever and had to lie down for a good spell.

I really need to take better care of myself.  Lately I can’t help but feel like my immune system isn’t behaving properly.  It’s not jut because of the recent burst of illness, but in general I’ve just been feeling a little bit weaker than I should be.  Maybe it’s in my head.  Why did I insist on running even if I was recovering?  Didn’t my actions just set my recovery back by a few days?  Time will tell, I guess.  Tomorrow I will start anew.  Maybe by then I’ll be farther along on the road to recovery.

Perhaps I’ve been getting cocky, you know?  During my weekday runs, I’ve had the courage to push myself to go faster.  They tend to be shorter and are supposed to be done at a relatively faster rate.  From the beginning of this clinic, I’ve been surprising myself.  I’ve been breaking personal records and churning out better and better times.  I really need to be careful though.  As much as I’m doing better on these short runs, they aren’t really an indication of whether my long runs will fare any better.

This morning I had a 16K run.  I made sure to stick with the people toward the back of the group.  Despite that, this group was still running a little bit fast.  I tried to keep up, but several experienced people raised flags that we were running a bit too fast for our goals.  We kept the pace though knowing that we’d eventually slow down.  The weather this morning was hot and mildly humid.  The sun was really beating on us pretty heavily.  It’s probably no surprise, but my pace slowed down.  I felt fine doing so though because these runs are meant to be slow, right?  Still, there I was, right at the back once again.  It’s been a while since I’ve experienced that.  I suppose that it’s expected just by the fact that I’m in a whole other level of running now.  So, yes, I need to stay humble and not let myself get too caught up.  My key to running isn’t speed, but endurance.  Can’t forget that.