I spent this past Monday just mulling over stuff going on in my life. There was a fair bit that I was attempting to access in the depths of my mind, but for whatever reason I was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever I got close to anything sort of painful my mind actually managed to redirect my thoughts. It was a little disconcerting because I was hoping to really make more progress in terms of dealing with my issues.

It’s rather fascinating how we have such strong self-defence mechanisms. I mean that’s what it is, isn’t it? The body is just doing what it can to save you from experiencing pain. For me, I’m kind of a big fan of the whole attitude of “the only way out is through.” I believe that that’s usually one of the best ways of dealing with issues that can’t just sit idle. So imagine my frustration when instead of working through the problem I kept on redirecting myself out into the periphery. Ugh! Well, at the very least I know that I’m unconsciously avoiding self-harm. All the same I really need to work these issues out. It’s the only way.

It seems like part of the process of me maturing and getting accustomed to the fact that I’m a mature adult is the fact that I have boundaries. There is a line where I begin and other people end. For ages it seemed like the line was a big blur. I consider myself to be a little bit of an emotional sponge. It’s far too easy for me to take in other people’s problems. It’s pretty bad because I often end up holding onto those issues. Somehow they become things that I’m tasked to help solve. Of course, it’s never the case. It’s not like I’m necessarily being helpful either by attempting to rescue everyone. I have had to work hard to assert the fact that I am my own person. It is not my job to have to deal with or solve any issues related to how people feel about any given situation. It’s taken me even longer to figure out that this even applies to my family. If my parents aren’t feeling good about the way I go about things but I’m perfectly happy with things, it’s up to them to have to get over things.

These are all valuable lessons, and I do believe that this realization is allowing me to be more at peace with myself. I’m never going to make everyone happy with all of my decisions. I can be my own person all while being conscientious. Taking the pressure off of myself to be everything to everyone means that I can get on with life. And in the end that’s perhaps one of the most valuable gifts I can give to myself.

The other day, a friend had sent me this link figuring that I would likely find something that I could relate to in the video. Well, I suppose it goes to show that my friends seem to have a great handle on me and what makes me tick. A big theme of this TED Talk was vulnerability. It seems that it’s the root of fear and shame (a fear of disconnection), but it’s also the root of joy. If I try to avoid being vulnerable in order to avoid fear and shame, I will also end up blocking joy. Interesting concept.

When I watched this video, I immediately felt absorbed into it. The one line that really shook me was the bit where she said that the people she studied that had a sense of worthiness, love, and belonging were those that believed that they were worthy of love and belonging.

Oh man.

So after watching that video I’ve been trying to change my way of thinking. I’ve been trying to be a bit more relaxed and let the wall down. It’s hard to tell if there’s really been any major effect, but I almost feel lighter after the fact. It’s like there have been some weights that have been lifted off of my body. I’m still trying to get it all to stick. It remains to be seen what kind of longterm effects all of this will have. All I want though is all any of us ever wants: to be happy.

We’ll see.