Category Archive: happy?

Self-protection

It’s been a rough few weeks. I haven’t really been in a very positive state of mind, and as a result I’ve had to retreat into my own shell for a little bit. When that happens something has to give. Unfortunately, this was something I had to cut back on while I sorted a few things out. I’m not saying that I now have it all figured out. Rather, I know that I’m in a better spot than I was previously. It all comes down to having a bit of healing, you know? And in order to get that much needed healing I had to step back and detach.

It’s kind of funny how detachment works. Whether consciously or not, when we find ourselves in bad states our bodies go into something like a self-protection mode. If the proverbial knife hits something deep down at our cores the reaction might end up being something somewhat primitive. For example, it may be common to feel drowsy or tired when someone talks about something that’s deeply threatening to you. That’s the body’s way of saying “nope, we’re not having any of that.” If there’s something that causes us to question something we intellectually believe to be true, we’re very good at reasoning our way away from that something. Over the past month I’ve had the chance to experience both ends. It’s been strange, and yet all very familiar. In the past I wouldn’t have paid much attention to these things and the triggers behind them, but my eyes have been opened recently. It’s fascinating that all of these things are sort of built-in. Being aware of these instincts allows me to move beyond the walls that get put up. Maybe I need to be uncomfortable. Maybe the questions need to be confronted. I don’t know. I’m not saying that self-protection is a bad thing. Not at all. I’m just saying that it’s so easy to stay trapped in the cocoon, when perhaps it’s necessary to step out and get on with living.

So here I stand: living and getting on with it.

Jason’s 2011

I really should have started writing this post a few days ago, but I didn’t feel like forcing myself to do it. The words weren’t flowing. Well, here I am on the final day of the year and I really need to get these words out. This year, 2011, was a bit of a harder one than the last. I remember declaring somewhere that it would be a year of buckling down and riding out tougher times. I was right. That’s not to say that this was a bad year for me. I’m just likely to label it as a challenging one. Did I rise to the challenges thrown at me? I think I did.

Anyway, enough blabber. In depth text follows…after the jump! Read the rest of this entry »

Defending myself from myself

I spent this past Monday just mulling over stuff going on in my life. There was a fair bit that I was attempting to access in the depths of my mind, but for whatever reason I was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever I got close to anything sort of painful my mind actually managed to redirect my thoughts. It was a little disconcerting because I was hoping to really make more progress in terms of dealing with my issues.

It’s rather fascinating how we have such strong self-defence mechanisms. I mean that’s what it is, isn’t it? The body is just doing what it can to save you from experiencing pain. For me, I’m kind of a big fan of the whole attitude of “the only way out is through.” I believe that that’s usually one of the best ways of dealing with issues that can’t just sit idle. So imagine my frustration when instead of working through the problem I kept on redirecting myself out into the periphery. Ugh! Well, at the very least I know that I’m unconsciously avoiding self-harm. All the same I really need to work these issues out. It’s the only way.

Where I end

It seems like part of the process of me maturing and getting accustomed to the fact that I’m a mature adult is the fact that I have boundaries. There is a line where I begin and other people end. For ages it seemed like the line was a big blur. I consider myself to be a little bit of an emotional sponge. It’s far too easy for me to take in other people’s problems. It’s pretty bad because I often end up holding onto those issues. Somehow they become things that I’m tasked to help solve. Of course, it’s never the case. It’s not like I’m necessarily being helpful either by attempting to rescue everyone. I have had to work hard to assert the fact that I am my own person. It is not my job to have to deal with or solve any issues related to how people feel about any given situation. It’s taken me even longer to figure out that this even applies to my family. If my parents aren’t feeling good about the way I go about things but I’m perfectly happy with things, it’s up to them to have to get over things.

These are all valuable lessons, and I do believe that this realization is allowing me to be more at peace with myself. I’m never going to make everyone happy with all of my decisions. I can be my own person all while being conscientious. Taking the pressure off of myself to be everything to everyone means that I can get on with life. And in the end that’s perhaps one of the most valuable gifts I can give to myself.

Good things are good

I often talk about themes of light and dark. I do believe that you can’t have one without the other. If you don’t experience struggle in life can you really appreciate just how bright the light really is? I wonder though, is this attitude causing me to have trouble accepting that good things are good? I could talk about a good event or aspect of my life and each time I have to trail it with “but…” and follow it with something to balance things out.

Hmm…maybe that’s one of the keys: balance. It’s a matter of self-protection. I’m preventing myself from flying too high to the sun, lest my wings melt and I plummet to the earth. I don’t know. I’m managing as it is, but in truth am I leaning more into self-sabotage territory? I still need to sit with myself and examine these things because ultimately if I can’t be comfortable with being happy then how can I help anyone else, right?

I’m not running away

It’s sort of a recent development, but it seems like I’ve been in a mind state that’s more able to handle whatever emotional highs and lows I’m subjecting myself to. I realize I’m making it sound like an epic thing, but to me it’s really important. It would have been common for me to run for cover and crumble under pressure when all this shit happens. Lately, I’ve had the mind to acknowledge the pain, figure out where it’s coming from, and just sit with it. I’m not running away. I’m not allowing myself to get absorbed with it. I’m more accepting, and that’s allowing me to move forward. It’s quite liberating, actually. The knowledge that I can deal with things is allowing me to live life with less fear. That goes a hell of a long way. Don’t get me wrong. I still have a long way to go. I’m just happy knowing that I’m taking steps forward.

I am much more

I am much more than the things that I am not.

My happiness is not hampered by my shortcomings, but buoyed by living my life despite them.

Finding my way to a better state

Well, anyone who knows me knows that my battle with weight is a bit of an ongoing theme. Since I can remember I’ve been a little heavier than average. By the end of university it kind of ballooned to a rather bad point. From then I’ve battled my way back down. The year 2010 was a great year for weight loss. It’s like everything clicked, and I eventually go down to about 172 lbs. or so. That was about October 2010. The loss was long and slow, so I knew that I wouldn’t yo-yo back to where I once was. I did figure though that things would equalize, and they did. At this time I’m at about 183 or so. Not that bad, but there’s a part of me that’s looking at what I had achieved months ago and wishing that I had somehow held onto that. It’s been my goal to sort of claw my way back down. It’s been tough. I mean, there have been little things that have sort of affected my mind state with regards to all this. For example, there are about 2 shirts that I used to be able to wear at my slimmest that I can no longer button up. Same with two pairs of pants. I have a few suits. One is far too big. The others are slightly snug since I bought them when I was lighter. I’m sort of stuck in a limbo state. This is all piling up making me want to find a way to reach my goals in a more definite state. It’s slightly obsessive, but that’s where I’m at.

It’s kind of interesting in that despite gaining a little weight I don’t consider myself to be unhealthy in the least. I still run. I still coach. My resting heart rate is still awesomely low. I’m just carrying extra weight–either in my belly or in muscle. Probably both, right? Anyway, this morning I was asking some people I was running with if it looked like I was packing on the pounds. They told me that I didn’t really look it. One chimed in that I’m just muscular. In my mind I call it being boxy. I said that some clothes no longer fit. That’s when one replied that she thought that I looked far too thin at one point back when I was at my lowest. Interesting. Did I consider that before? Even at my lowest there were still “improvements” that I was hoping for. However, was I carrying it a bit far? I do remember my mom complaining that my face looked a little gaunt at one point. She wanted me to gain weight to fill things in. I kind of brushed it off. Now it seems like she wasn’t the only one that thought it was a bit much. How many more people are out there that thought the same thing but didn’t tell me? I don’t know.

So yeah, it’s a tough balance to strike. Perhaps this is my ideal equilibrium point. Maybe I’m just designed to be a little bigger. I think even if I stay the same weight if I lose fat and gain muscle I’d feel just fine. I need to figure out where I need to be. Those two suits that are slightly snug are needed for this weekend since I’m heading to a wedding. Do I need to work hard and lose a bit to make them fit better in the span of one week? That can’t possibly be healthy. Can I just be happy? Hmm. I really need to work on accepting myself while finding ways to better my state. I know, I know. I’m a mess of goals and thoughts. Ultimately I want to find myself in a state where this is no longer an issue. I don’t know what that means other than I’d be free of all of these crippling thoughts and ideals. It’s tough, but I’ll find.

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