The other day, a friend had sent me this link figuring that I would likely find something that I could relate to in the video. Well, I suppose it goes to show that my friends seem to have a great handle on me and what makes me tick. A big theme of this TED Talk was vulnerability. It seems that it’s the root of fear and shame (a fear of disconnection), but it’s also the root of joy. If I try to avoid being vulnerable in order to avoid fear and shame, I will also end up blocking joy. Interesting concept.

When I watched this video, I immediately felt absorbed into it. The one line that really shook me was the bit where she said that the people she studied that had a sense of worthiness, love, and belonging were those that believed that they were worthy of love and belonging.

Oh man.

So after watching that video I’ve been trying to change my way of thinking. I’ve been trying to be a bit more relaxed and let the wall down. It’s hard to tell if there’s really been any major effect, but I almost feel lighter after the fact. It’s like there have been some weights that have been lifted off of my body. I’m still trying to get it all to stick. It remains to be seen what kind of longterm effects all of this will have. All I want though is all any of us ever wants: to be happy.

We’ll see.

The other day I was visiting an improv friend and somewhere in conversation she asked something to the effect of “What would it take you to feel worthy?” It almost sounds like an awkward question, but upon further reflection it’s actually really spot on in terms of things that I really should try to figure out. In general, do I feel “worthy”? I often don’t. And this is where all of the negative voices in my head start piping up.

People won’t like you.
You’re too intense.
You’re too strange.
Umm…you’re overweight.
Yeah: scary!

I could be doing something really well and have the respect of a lot of people but the voices may still make their presence known. Gosh, and I’m certain everyone has these voices. Perhaps I give them a lot more credence than they deserve.

Do I feel worthy? I often don’t. I’m working on it. What would it take? If I think about it, this kind of thing should not be contingent on any one thing. I need to work on just being, and being content with that.

Empty.

I’m always doing something, right? I fill my life with activities because I feel most at ease when I’m doing something. I have to be careful though because it can lead to a false sense of security. Strip all that away and am I able to be comfortable with myself? Instead of worrying about being an empty shell, can I be happy with just being?

I’m not there yet.

I’m working on it.

I know. I’ve often taken the stance that I need to be tough on myself. I reason to myself: if I don’t push myself, then then who else will? There’s a bit of truth to that. As a result, I’m continually trying to do better. Still, I wonder if I’m too harsh on myself. No one’s as cruel to me as I am to myself. Really, I think I should be making an effort to be a bit nicer and a bit gentler to myself. It doesn’t mean that I should go soft. It just means that I need to be more accepting of myself and how I react to various situations.

Less blocking
Less censoring
Less blaming

That’s one of the keys to happiness, isn’t it?

This is a dilemma I’ve been trying to find an answer to.

Strip away improv.
Strip away running.
Strip away baking.
Strip away work.

What the heck am I left with? Who am I? At my core, will people still value me without all of these things? Will people respect me? Am I still worthwhile? Oh hell, for that matter, do I think I’m worthwhile?

Yeah, I realize how very emo and over-dramatic this all sounds. Not going to lie though: it’s important to me. I almost feel like I’ve been working so hard for so long, all in an attempt to remain distracted. At this point in my life I’ve achieved a fair bit, and I seem to be easing up on myself. I think this is why a lot of the things I’ve been actively blocking are starting to catch up. I’m trying to figure things out. I need to do this or else I’ll get caught up in a weird headspace that won’t do me any good at all. I’m striving for a bit of normalcy, you know. Maybe one day.