Something just doesn’t feel right.

All things considered, I’m healthy.  I’m currently going through marathon training.  I do plyometrics now and then.  I’ve only recently taken up Moksha yoga, which is routinely kicking my ass.  My resting heart rate is in the 40s.  That’s pretty darn good.  I feel OK, but there’s still this lingering feeling that there are improvements just within reach.  And since they’re within reach why wouldn’t I got for them?  Why can’t I just be content?  I mean, sure, this is positive in the sense that at least I’m striving for self-improvement.  All the same, I’m mildly scared of a few things.  First, I’m scared that I might turn this into a completely unhealthy obsession.  I admit that it’s starting to get bad.  I apologize to anyone that’s had to put up with my angsty whining about progress or lack thereof.  Secondly, I’m scared of failure.  I’m working hard, and I’ve made tons of progress.  Still, I’m petrified of rolling back, or just not getting to a point where I’m content.  I’m doing everything right in terms of weight loss.  It’s going slow, and I’m not cutting out a lot of what I like eating; everything has its place.  As of now, getting back to the heights I was at before would require me to have something of a mental lapse.  I don’t know.

I have to put some more thought into the end game.  I mean, at the moment it’s just some nebulous concept, like, “at some point I will not need to be so vigilant about cutting back.”  I need to define some rules and limits.  Though, I suppose in some ways the new consciousness doesn’t really end.  I’ve built up some really good habits since the start of last October, and I don’t expect those to just disappear when I’m done.  I think I just want a more normal platform from which I can live life.

Normal. Hahahah. *sigh*

When I talk about my usual activities, I’m talking about running, working, etc.  I even found time to help my parents move boxes.  It seems like everything else took priority over myself.  I think in some perverse way I figured that just taking time for myself, even if it means battling an illness, is kind of selfish.  For example, I really enjoy improv so I end up telling myself that it’s simply not strenuous enough to make my conditions worse.  That’s a lie.  In the realm of work, with the transition happening I just toughed it out.  I couldn’t take time off in good conscience at the end of the contract, and I couldn’t take time off right at the start of a team switch when people want me to hit the ground running.

Oh, running. *shakes head*

I’ve been good about not running, if only because my stubbornness in wanting to train is what made my conditions worse than they could have been.  The only thing is since I’m in the middle of marathon training I’m missing precious training runs.  I’ve been concerned!  That brings me to today.  I was telling myself that today would be the day I returned to the store and joined back with the rest of the clinic.  It might have been psychosomatic, but in the last few minutes of the work day I was suddenly overcome by dizziness.  The train ride home was a bit hard.  I desperately wanted to nap, but I only managed to pick up a seat that requires vigilance in case the inner person wants out.  So I sat the whole ride in a zombie-like state, except without the whole brain craving thing.  When I got to the elevator I had to lean against the wall because I was just ill.  I eventually got in and just dropped on the bed.  I was just going to nap the night away but then decided against better judgment to head out and do the run anyway in the eat and humidity.

Well, the run went as well as I could have expected.  The heat and humidity really hit hard.  Despite that, I just soldiered on like everyone else.  I took a few walk breaks in what was supposed to be a steady run.  I also ran slower.  However, in the end I made it through.  I sweat so much that the sweat went right down the shirt and soaked my shorts.  How unpleasant.  The dizziness that was threatening me at the start had all but vanished.  So, in the end I made a good call.  Thing is, this could have turned bad fairly quickly.  I was aware of that and made sure to pay attention to any odd symptoms, and to make sure that I addressed any warning signs right away.  I had my phone on me, just in case. What’s interesting for me at this very moment is that…it almost seems like whatever remnants of the cough/cold I had before the run have been squashed.  The run may have burned it away.  Hmm…

So yeah, I guess I’m still challenging my health every now and then.  I won’t say that it’s out of stupidity, but perhaps it’s just that I have some sort of subconscious knowledge of where my limits happen to be, and whether or not I can get more out of myself than I first think I can.  I know that health is a fragile thing and shouldn’t be taken for granted.  I feel blessed that I can do such things and still get up in the morning.

On a day like today, I should have gone out.  I missed my run because I didn’t want to take any chances and lower my immunity while I’m fighting a war.  I didn’t go to a planned day at the park because I didn’t want to spread illness to a young toddler.  I didn’t go to church because being in close quarters with people and shaking hands is in poor taste when you’re ill.  I could have spent the day cramming on Java and recovering the skills I picked up years ago in university, but in the grand scheme of things that was lower priority than letting my mind rest.  No, I spent the day in the living room and bedroom, recovering as best I could.  Something like this might have made me feel guilty, but not this time.  I need to honour myself more often.  Once in a while the needs of the world need to take a backseat to my well-being.

Tomorrow I return to the real world.  After regrouping this weekend, I feel like I’m ready to face the week with a new sense of purpose.  Maybe over the past months I feel like my fire has been dim, but right now I feel like my fire is ready to burn brightly.  Perhaps all I needed was a bit of time to be a hermit and tend to the flame, know what I mean?  It remains to be seen whether I’ll actually burn like I want to, but the intention is there.  I’m ready.

I really need to take better care of myself.  Lately I can’t help but feel like my immune system isn’t behaving properly.  It’s not jut because of the recent burst of illness, but in general I’ve just been feeling a little bit weaker than I should be.  Maybe it’s in my head.  Why did I insist on running even if I was recovering?  Didn’t my actions just set my recovery back by a few days?  Time will tell, I guess.  Tomorrow I will start anew.  Maybe by then I’ll be farther along on the road to recovery.

(For that matter, since when is illness ever intended under normal circumstances?)

Since about midday I’ve been dealing with some bad stomach cramps.  It’s like my stomach is just in distress, and the distress isn’t really moving down the tract.  So, it doesn’t really look like something that will just work its way through.  I don’t know what it is that I ate that caused this, but I’m feeling quite ill.  Seriously, if I went for my run today, I probably would have puked along the way.  While that would have been a good thing, I don’t want to be known in my running club as the guy that puked. Could it have been the week-old chili?  Maybe the papaya smoothie?  I don’t know.

Farther up, it seems like I’ve come down with a sore throat.  I knew something was developing from midday, but it wasn’t until I got home that it really became obvious.  At this point, I’m having trouble swallowing.  Drinking fluids kind of hurts.  Probably for the best since drinking fluids seems to be putting my stomach into further distress.

All I want to do is hide under the covers and hopefully burn whatever is wrong with me off.  Going to get some meds into me.  It shouldn’t be anything serious, but man this really put a damper on my night.

Something that’s interesting to me is that you’ll hear a lot of running experts state that people who use marathon training to lose weight are in for disappointment.  I can see why that might be valid.  There are a lot of people who take up training then use that as an excuse to start eating whatever they want.  Add that to the fact that marathon training tends to increase appetite, and the end result for many is that they actually put on some weight.  In my case, I’m at least very conscious about falling into that trap; I’ve done it before while training for smaller distances.  I used to use the whole “I’m adding muscle” excuse, but that’s baloney because you can only build muscle if you eat more calories anyway.  No matter how I cut it, I was overeating.  This last training cycle was the one where everything fell into place.  I’m now ready to rock the system once again.  I’m only going to get stronger and leaner.  On this, I swear.

Good question.