Continue reading »]]> Generally I haven’t had much need to go visit my doctor. Back when I was living with my parents in the northeast corner of the city I could probably count the number of times I visited my doctor on a single hand. For whatever reason I never really bonded well with him. It was a walk-in clinic so often the waits to go see him felt interminable. I only went there when I needed a referral to a dermatologist, or when I had a bad case of bronchitis. Anyway, when I finally moved out on my own I had intentions of finding a new doctor. Those plans eventually fell by the wayside. Every now and then my mother would urge me to go see a doctor. I would tell her that I would, but nothing ever happened. She even gave me a contact for a local doctor from someone that she knows at her gym. I held the card for a while with plans to call in, but I didn’t get around to it. Months passed. Well, finally, now that I’ve turned 30 I figured that it was time to get off my ass and make an appointment.

I went in this afternoon not sure what to expect. I only went in for a basic checkup. As part of the process he started probing my abdomen. He asked if I recently gained weight. BAH. See, this is interesting to me. Perhaps he made the comment because I do have a fair bit of undertone such I would seem fit otherwise? Eeeeehhhh. Maybe I’m just trying to find reasons. The doctor also checked my blood pressure. He told me that it was a bit high. Agh! He said that it may just be because it was my first time visiting a new doctor so he wanted to check again in a month. Fine. So, now I’ve got some goals to fight for. First, I need to get my weight back down. Well, maybe that’s not clear…I need to lose inches and burn fat. If I gain weight because of muscle, then that’s fine. Second, I need to work to get my blood pressure down. There’s a bit of history with regards to blood pressure issues in my family, so I have to be on top of all that. Once I get back into running I’m sure that will help to get my numbers under control. I’ve already got a lot of the pieces of the puzzle in place. I just need to complete the picture, know what I mean?

Continue reading »]]> I’ve been battling a cold for the past week or so. It hasn’t been pretty. No man should be able to generate that much mucus. It’s ridiculous. Anyway, yesterday I decided to try to make it to the gym to make a 10 o’clock class. I woke up about half an hour before but didn’t feel so great. I decided to sleep through it and go for the 1 p.m. class. I got up at about 12:15 or so feeling groggy and off-balance. I hadn’t eaten yet. My mouth was as dry as the deserts. All the same, I was determined to make it out there. Perhaps that wasn’t a great idea. For about half the class we worked on our back squat. After completing every set of five I had to sit off at the side just to catch my breath. I was becoming really light-headed. After completing my sets it felt like my strength was leaving my body. I was suddenly hit with severe fatigue. It was absolutely frustrating.

The workout at the second half of the class consisted of an alternating ladder of thrusters and pull ups for 11 minutes. Prior to doing it we tried practicing a few thrusters. The light-headedness finally caught up to me there. I could barely get the bar above my head. It was there that coach saw me struggling and put me on a lighter bar. I was completely annoyed with myself. There was just no power. My body was rebelling against me. I still went ahead with the workout. I got it done, but I struggled. I know I did less than I could have under better conditions. By the end, I just felt like burying my head in the sand.

I’m not unreasonable. I mean, I know that I am capable of doing better. I know that not having eaten, being dehydrated, and being sick all played a part in my poor showing. Come to think of it, it’s rather dumb. I mean, why did I push myself to perform when my body was simply not ready for it? God knows, if it was someone that I was coaching I would have told the person to go home and rest. Why should the same not apply for me, right? Dumb, dumb, duuuuumb. Perhaps I was caught up in the whole new year spirit. Maybe I just wanted to desperately get back into a good habitual schedule? I don’t know. What I do know is that I need to take better care of myself. I need to be kinder to myself. If I’m ill, I need to hold back. The next time I plan to go is Wednesday. If I’m not ready, I’ll stay home and get the rest I need. The world will continue to work without me.

Continue reading »]]> I’ve finally figured out a crucial part of my sleeping habits. It’s actually rather silly that I haven’t realized it earlier. Over the past week or so I’ve been falling asleep on the couch in the living room. I’ve just been really exhausted lately, and really as soon as I’ve been achieving a horizontal position I’ve been out like a light, despite having the bright beams of the ceiling lamp blasting my eyes. It seems that often I fell asleep blogging, or tweeting, or checking Facebook. All computer related, right? Well, in my quest to make use of my bed again (God, if it’s there I might as well use the damn thing) I decided to bring my laptop back to the bedroom. Behold, I started sleeping in my bed again. Somehow, in my addled head I’ve come to associate typing on my laptop with falling asleep. Here I am blogging and generally feeling more and more groggy. Brilliant!

Continue reading »]]> A few days ago I was genuinely concerned about how I’d manage to wrangle with October and stay on top of everything. All in all, I know that I can keep up if only because I have the capacity to be able to deal with everything. It’s kind of maddening because I don’t deal with having long stretches of inactivity all that well. It’s a known fact that I get twitchy when I’m not productive. Plus, I get some type of high off of being productive. It’s why I fill my time the way I do. So, anyway, I was more than ready to tackle the month off with gusto, then illness struck. I started showing symptoms of a common cold on Wednesday, and I’ve been battling it since. Mucus is clogging my sinuses and my windpipe. I’ve been coughing badly. I tried to beat it into submission by taking meds frequently. I even tried heading downtown this evening to prove that I can go about my life without illness getting in the way. Oops. By the end of the night the cold air was making me feel gross. I’ve been in a bad state since I’ve gotten home. So much for that. It’s all a reminder that beyond whatever overachiever guise I’ve got I’m merely human. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s emphasizing that I really do need to take care of myself better. Does it mean that I’m going to scale my activities down? No, but at least I’m not going to kill myself trying to be everything to everyone.

Continue reading »]]> So, I’m in the process of filling in my calendar for October. I’m scheduling various parties, my fitness schedules, events, and anything else that comes to mind that might require a reminder of some sort. At the moment, I must say that I’m feeling a little bit apprehensive just looking at the whole month. Thursdays seem to be my only island of calm that month amidst a sea of classes and get togethers. I haven’t signed up yet, but I’m on the verge of taking on a CrossFit BootCamp class at my local CrossFit box. That’s going to occupy Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings. I still have improv practice and therapy sessions on Monday nights. I’m still coaching my running clinic on Sunday, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, right up until race day on the 16th. After that those days become free once more, except for the Tuesday right after the race which is scheduled to be a celebratory get together for my group. On Saturdays I have my baking class in the morning. There’s one weekend in there with a wedding. Later on in the month I’m planning on filling in my Thursday evenings with a 6-week core conditioning class. By the end of that class I should be able to kneel on a yoga ball.

So yeah, this is going to be my life for the next little while. It’s enough to make me worry; it’s enough to make me insane. I really have to focus on getting enough sleep and maintaining good health in this period. I had joked that I would collapse into a big heap by the end of this period, but someone quickly pointed out that I kind of live for this kind of thing. Heh. Yes. Yes, I do. I don’t consider myself an over-achiever, but I know that I can achieve a lot. We all have the capacity to do many great things. It’s up to us to figure out a way to fulfill our destinies, right? So yes, I’m going to keep working hard, and keep pushing myself. This last month of me being in my 20s is going to be transformative. I’m going to make it happen.

Continue reading »]]> There was a point earlier this week where I was super-stressed. I truly felt like I was in a haze of sorts. I was not in a good mental-state. I think as a result of the stress I accidentally bit the inside of my mouth in several places. And in my efforts to brush my teeth around the affected areas I think I injured myself further by stabbing myself. And on top of all that I also bit my tongue. So basically my mouth is a war zone. I need to spend some time figuring out how to deal with it (besides heaps of Anbesol) because I can’t eat properly, I can’t smile properly, and I can’t talk properly. Basically, I’m a mess.

Stupid stress!

Continue reading »]]> Well, anyone who knows me knows that my battle with weight is a bit of an ongoing theme. Since I can remember I’ve been a little heavier than average. By the end of university it kind of ballooned to a rather bad point. From then I’ve battled my way back down. The year 2010 was a great year for weight loss. It’s like everything clicked, and I eventually go down to about 172 lbs. or so. That was about October 2010. The loss was long and slow, so I knew that I wouldn’t yo-yo back to where I once was. I did figure though that things would equalize, and they did. At this time I’m at about 183 or so. Not that bad, but there’s a part of me that’s looking at what I had achieved months ago and wishing that I had somehow held onto that. It’s been my goal to sort of claw my way back down. It’s been tough. I mean, there have been little things that have sort of affected my mind state with regards to all this. For example, there are about 2 shirts that I used to be able to wear at my slimmest that I can no longer button up. Same with two pairs of pants. I have a few suits. One is far too big. The others are slightly snug since I bought them when I was lighter. I’m sort of stuck in a limbo state. This is all piling up making me want to find a way to reach my goals in a more definite state. It’s slightly obsessive, but that’s where I’m at.

It’s kind of interesting in that despite gaining a little weight I don’t consider myself to be unhealthy in the least. I still run. I still coach. My resting heart rate is still awesomely low. I’m just carrying extra weight–either in my belly or in muscle. Probably both, right? Anyway, this morning I was asking some people I was running with if it looked like I was packing on the pounds. They told me that I didn’t really look it. One chimed in that I’m just muscular. In my mind I call it being boxy. I said that some clothes no longer fit. That’s when one replied that she thought that I looked far too thin at one point back when I was at my lowest. Interesting. Did I consider that before? Even at my lowest there were still “improvements” that I was hoping for. However, was I carrying it a bit far? I do remember my mom complaining that my face looked a little gaunt at one point. She wanted me to gain weight to fill things in. I kind of brushed it off. Now it seems like she wasn’t the only one that thought it was a bit much. How many more people are out there that thought the same thing but didn’t tell me? I don’t know.

So yeah, it’s a tough balance to strike. Perhaps this is my ideal equilibrium point. Maybe I’m just designed to be a little bigger. I think even if I stay the same weight if I lose fat and gain muscle I’d feel just fine. I need to figure out where I need to be. Those two suits that are slightly snug are needed for this weekend since I’m heading to a wedding. Do I need to work hard and lose a bit to make them fit better in the span of one week? That can’t possibly be healthy. Can I just be happy? Hmm. I really need to work on accepting myself while finding ways to better my state. I know, I know. I’m a mess of goals and thoughts. Ultimately I want to find myself in a state where this is no longer an issue. I don’t know what that means other than I’d be free of all of these crippling thoughts and ideals. It’s tough, but I’ll find.

Continue reading »]]> Hmm. I am going to a wedding in less than two weeks. My suit’s pants are a little bit tight. I think I might have to eat lightly over the next while. Man, how do people that do this all the time function? I mean, I cut calories but I still manage to eat somewhat normally. Fasting might do me good. Should help to reset things. Gah!

Continue reading »]]> Lately, as soon as I’ve hit my bed and turned on the pillar fan I’ve been out like a light. Doesn’t matter if the lights are on, or if I’m still in my running gear. Doesn’t matter if my wallet is digging into my back, or if there are computer cables pressing into my skin. There could be a lightning storm going on and I wouldn’t notice. I might be lying on my watch for all I know. My computer could be playing music but it wouldn’t keep mw awake especially with the white noise hum of the fan lying on top of it all. I don’t think the bed is the key. If I ever find myself horizontal on the coach I’ll end up passed out until 3 or 4 in the morning. All of this points to one key thing: I’m so very tired.