The keyword for me for the past year has been: “preparation.” That simple word has been my meditation as I’ve prepared for the whirlwind of events that’s going to come within the next year. Hell, I’m still not ready for any of it. I’ve been making a habit of doing these “state of being” type posts every year around this time, so I’m going to continue the habit.
More after the jump!
It’s the first Wednesday of the month, which meant today was massage day at work. I was scheduled in for 10:40 am which is great for me because I prefer to be thoroughly mangled and tenderized earlier in the day than later. If it happens later, then I become far too relaxed with only an hour or two before it’s time to leave. That just increases the chance of me becoming useless for the rest of the day; I’d rather keep my edge, thanks.
I usually sign up for the same therapist each month. I mean, after going to her regularly, she has a good idea of how to deal with me. It seems that every month I come in thinking I’m fine but then at first touch I end up recoiling in pain, after which the therapist usually tells me that she was only applying light pressure. Have I become so inured to the discomfort that I can’t tell that my back is in bad shape? Probably. She keeps finding these horrible knots that she really kneads into. In the end, I have a bruised back for the next day or two but I don’t mind. She often asks me if it hurts, and I usually say “yes, but it’s a good pain.” Seriously. It’s the kind of pain that I’m willing to tolerate.
Anyway, for the past few weeks I decided that I needed to give my back a break. I usually carry my messenger bag to work with a strap over my shoulder and across my chest. It gets the job done but puts varying pressure on my back. So, to give my back a break I took the strap off and have resorted to carrying my bag with handle in hand. The result? Well, let’s just say that today’s session wasn’t as bad as usual.
Despite the better conditioning, that woman still did manage to find some ways to get some groans of discomfort out of me. She told me, “I’ve only started leaning into you and you’re already groaning.” I said, “Well, no one’s usually applying that much pressure to my back.” She laughed and replied, “Well, you’re still a young thing, aren’t you? You should try eHarmony.”
GOD.
All I could do was laugh along. I so didn’t mean what I said in that way. And yet she struck me with that side blow to the head. Bravo. Well done.
After that session, my back wasn’t the only thing bruised.
Last night I spent time hanging out with Yuki and Raien, which was a heck of a lot of fun. We spent a good amount of time in Starbucks, a sushi place and at a park taking goofy pictures. I need to hang out with them more often.
I just want to briefly reflect on something though that we were talking about while sipping our drinks. We were discussing relationships and they were pushing me to be more active in terms of seeking someone out–especially since I’m working right downtown where possibilities are definitely present. I was hesitating to agree, but really if I’m being honest a lot of that just comes from a lack of confidence. So far whenever I’ve put my neck on the line thing have ended up in a spectacular ball of fire. Although, going with that image, I kind of get the feeling that the ball of fire usually starts with a small flaming bag of poo, and I go and pour gasoline onto it just to say that it’s a big blaze.
Anyway, the girls identified two types of single-ness in terms of people wanting a relationship: the active seekers and the more passive types. Well, easy to see where I fall in, isn’t it? It would be great to say that I’m with someone, but I’m fine with my life as it is right now. If somehow someone decides that they wanted to give it a go with me, I’d be down with that. I know how I am though: if that happens, it will be a full-on, hardcore thing because I wouldn’t be able to do something like that halfway. Maybe that’s part of what’s holding me back. Do I have the time and resources to allow myself to go deep? And God, I can’t yet imagine there being someone willing to put up with that.
I guess I’m just making up excuses for myself again. I’m positive that when I finally move out in April/May it might light a fire under my ass. Meanwhile, the status quo is enough.
Really, I am sorry. However, this whole passive aggressiveness is not working for me. You know, it *is* possible for two people of the opposite sex to be friends and not have either party interested in something more. I was just trying to be a nice guy, and you indirectly insult my intentions?
Yeeeah…no more of that. Done.
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