Category Archive: vanity

Seasonal hair

Yeah, my facial hair is almost seasonal. Every few months or so I’ll switch from having a clean look to the other extreme. It’s a common Asian thing where a heck of a lot of us just can’t grow decent facial hair, isn’t it? For me it takes a really long time to get to a good state. And due to the time invested I end up not shaving it all off right away. That’s how it goes, and I’m used to it. When it’s in a good state, at the very least it’s not patchy. I think it looks OK. It makes me look a bit more mature, and kind of fits with my serious/gruff demeanour. Inevitably, I’ll tire of the look though and I’ll get a sudden urge to shave it all off. When I do, I always feel strange. When I’m growing my hair out at least the change is very gradual. When I shave the hair off it’s all sudden. Just yesterday after shaving I couldn’t help but feel like I looked bizarre. Now, the day after, I still feel off but I’m getting more settled into the new look.

Yeah, I acknowledge that I’m being far too self-conscious about it. I’m the only one that cares about it. Time to move on.

New year, new look

Experimenting with wearing frames for the next little while. So far the feedback has been very positive.

It’s not defining

Over the past while I’ve been kind of assessing my body image. Yeah yeah, it’s been ongoing. With CrossFit I’ve been steadily gaining weight. Certainly a lot of it is muscle weight, but not all. A lot more of the clothing I wore back during marathon training doesn’t fit any more. My size was a little unnatural back then. Now, I think I’ve got a better look going–better proportions. Thing is, mentally the fact that I’ve been needing bigger clothes has made me a bit nutty. I worked hard to get away from where I was 2-3 years ago. The situation is different now though. I need bigger pants again, but I’m not as fat as I was before. God knows, I’m a lot fitter. It’s taken me a while, but it almost feels like I’m finally moving past whatever psychological block I’ve had.

Weight is not defining.
Pant-size is not defining.

Why should I be hard on myself if I can’t fit into size 33 pants that I used to be able to wear for a very brief period in 2010? It doesn’t make sense. Like I said a while ago, I’m the best me that I can be at this very moment. As long as I continue to work hard I know that I have nothing to regret.

Angry gift

Friend gave this hat to me. Quite awesome.

 

Chef’s whites

Finding my way to a better state

Well, anyone who knows me knows that my battle with weight is a bit of an ongoing theme. Since I can remember I’ve been a little heavier than average. By the end of university it kind of ballooned to a rather bad point. From then I’ve battled my way back down. The year 2010 was a great year for weight loss. It’s like everything clicked, and I eventually go down to about 172 lbs. or so. That was about October 2010. The loss was long and slow, so I knew that I wouldn’t yo-yo back to where I once was. I did figure though that things would equalize, and they did. At this time I’m at about 183 or so. Not that bad, but there’s a part of me that’s looking at what I had achieved months ago and wishing that I had somehow held onto that. It’s been my goal to sort of claw my way back down. It’s been tough. I mean, there have been little things that have sort of affected my mind state with regards to all this. For example, there are about 2 shirts that I used to be able to wear at my slimmest that I can no longer button up. Same with two pairs of pants. I have a few suits. One is far too big. The others are slightly snug since I bought them when I was lighter. I’m sort of stuck in a limbo state. This is all piling up making me want to find a way to reach my goals in a more definite state. It’s slightly obsessive, but that’s where I’m at.

It’s kind of interesting in that despite gaining a little weight I don’t consider myself to be unhealthy in the least. I still run. I still coach. My resting heart rate is still awesomely low. I’m just carrying extra weight–either in my belly or in muscle. Probably both, right? Anyway, this morning I was asking some people I was running with if it looked like I was packing on the pounds. They told me that I didn’t really look it. One chimed in that I’m just muscular. In my mind I call it being boxy. I said that some clothes no longer fit. That’s when one replied that she thought that I looked far too thin at one point back when I was at my lowest. Interesting. Did I consider that before? Even at my lowest there were still “improvements” that I was hoping for. However, was I carrying it a bit far? I do remember my mom complaining that my face looked a little gaunt at one point. She wanted me to gain weight to fill things in. I kind of brushed it off. Now it seems like she wasn’t the only one that thought it was a bit much. How many more people are out there that thought the same thing but didn’t tell me? I don’t know.

So yeah, it’s a tough balance to strike. Perhaps this is my ideal equilibrium point. Maybe I’m just designed to be a little bigger. I think even if I stay the same weight if I lose fat and gain muscle I’d feel just fine. I need to figure out where I need to be. Those two suits that are slightly snug are needed for this weekend since I’m heading to a wedding. Do I need to work hard and lose a bit to make them fit better in the span of one week? That can’t possibly be healthy. Can I just be happy? Hmm. I really need to work on accepting myself while finding ways to better my state. I know, I know. I’m a mess of goals and thoughts. Ultimately I want to find myself in a state where this is no longer an issue. I don’t know what that means other than I’d be free of all of these crippling thoughts and ideals. It’s tough, but I’ll find.

Making the pants fit

Hmm. I am going to a wedding in less than two weeks. My suit’s pants are a little bit tight. I think I might have to eat lightly over the next while. Man, how do people that do this all the time function? I mean, I cut calories but I still manage to eat somewhat normally. Fasting might do me good. Should help to reset things. Gah!

Red on black

Yes, I like the colours red and black. I’m especially fond of deep, dark red shades. They’re sort of signature colours for the sign Scorpio. Anyway, I wouldn’t normally think of wearing red on black because the contrast is pretty high. It kind of reminds me of a Vegas card dealer. I’m doing an improv show tomorrow though where the producer requested we wear something black and red themed. I went out and bought a new black shirt because my current one is mildly ill-fitting. I also got a bright solid red tie. I put the two together and took a few photos. This is now my avatar on my various networks. No, I don’t think it looks bad at all. It still isn’t a colour combo that I’d wear on a daily basis though. Nope.

 

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