citizen of the planet

This morning I stuck around my place for a while before leaving for work because I was expecting someone to come by.  A nurse was coming by to perform a checkup for some insurance purposes.  I wasn’t sure what to expect.  In my mind I was imagining some motherly small woman with a no-nonsense attitude.  When I answered the door I was greeted by a rather large woman with crooked teeth.  Go figure.  Anyway, after the long questionnaire she took my pulse and my blood pressure readings.  I think I was able to impress her with my relatively low heart rate.  After all of my hard work running, I can get my resting heart rate when I wake up to go as low as mid 40s.  For the nurse’s test she got a reading of 52 beats per minute.  That’s pretty damn healthy.  My blood pressure was rather good too.  I was half expecting it to be a little bit high, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Now, this is all well and good.  There was one test though that kind of blew my mind.  She basically needed to take my height.  After checking, she told me the reading she got.  I was shocked.  I’m used to thinking that my height is X, but she measured something that was two inches shorter.  I asked her if she was serious.  She said she was.  I told her what I thought my height should be.  She laughed and said that whenever she measures people at my expected height she really has to talk up to them whereas with me she didn’t really have to look up that high.  I didn’t want to press it any further, but secretly I thought that she was just crazy.

Well, after checking my other measurements, my weight, and asking for a urine sample she was on her way.  As soon as she left I looked for a stubby pencil, stood against a wall and marked my height.  I then got a tape measure and took a look.  Wouldn’t you know it, I really was wrong all along: I really am two inches shorter than what I had originally believed. I suppose it wouldn’t be such a big deal, however, there’s kind of an unspoken stigma when it comes to shorter guys, is there not?  Back when I (believed I) was average height, it wasn’t a big deal, but now that I’m under the average it’s plainly annoying.  Interesting though.  When I look up the average heights of men in Canada, I’m under, but if I compare myself to the average heights of people in the Philippines I’m over.  I guess that makes sense given the difference in standards of living.  What the heck, man?

You know, I think that I’ll forget all about it in a few weeks.  I mean, physically nothing about me has changed.  If people around me treated me a certain way (subconsciously) because of my height they will continue to do so even after my discovery.  The only thing that could possibly change is my attitude, right?  If I suddenly act like there’s something wrong with me then people will just feed off of that energy, yes?  So, hey, it’s just business as usual.  Jason is still Jason.

I’ve been tweaking my closet lately, mostly out of necessity.  I mean, a lot of my favourite items are now kind of baggy on me.  Some stuff that I haven’t worn in a long while is downright tent like now.  All of this new buying is mildly confusing for me.  It’s given me an opportunity to try some new things out, but it also means that I have to spend some time trying to figure out what I want my projected style to be.  Indeed, this is a chance to reinvent myself if I choose to do so.

All week I’ve been testing things out at work.  I haven’t been dressing radically different, but rather with one or two small changes here or there just to gauge how things are received.  In general, people have been noticing and the feedback has been positive.  Today though I kind of went all out: purple oxford shirt, houndstooth vest, fitted leather jacket, flat cap.  God, I felt mildly self-conscious.  Was I overdoing it?  Did I look like a fool?  Did it look like I was trying too hard?  Well, seriously, I got a lot of compliments today as well as a lot of questions as to why I was dressed up today.  I didn’t have a honest answer.  As much as everything worked, I can’t help but feel the pendulum swung too far and leaned slightly into overkill.  I mean, my goal is to look put together but understated.  Maybe I’m just over-thinking it?  After all, a lot of people thought the look worked.  I think a couple of female colleagues noticed my apparent discomfort at receiving compliments.  They flat out told me that I needed to learn to accept compliments gracefully.  Instead, I apparently tend to scowl or look horrified.  Ha!  I wasn’t even aware that that’s what I was projecting.  It makes sense that I’d act that way though.  I mean, I’m not used to getting such comments.  I don’t want to just say “oh, I have to get used to it” because just like that it could all be gone again.

Well, ultimately, I’m going to end up finding a comfortable balance point.  Either I’ll stop feeling so self-conscious, or I’ll figure out how to work the new clothes into a more usual Jason-like look.  Just give me some time, eh?

I was over at the mall hanging out with Sharon who I’ve known for what seems like forever.  We didn’t really have a goal in mind, but eventually it turned into a bit of a clothing hunt for me.  I was all too happy to take advantage of the opportunity because it’s not often that I have female help to go shopping.  After picking up a couple of new shirts, we headed into the leather store on a whim.  I originally wanted to skip it because of my goal of buying a new jacket only when I hit 180 lbs.  As of this morning I was only 3 lbs. off, but I didn’t want to reward myself early.  Still, the signs in the store windows indicated that there was a sale, so I was just curious.

I told my friend that I was looking for a bomber length jacket.  When we went in she seemed to head straight for something that caught her eye.  As she started looking for a size, a salesperson came by and asked what size we were looking for: “medium or large?”  Instinctively I replied “large.”  I put the jacket on and it was OK.  I don’t think I was too sold on it though.  The salesperson picked up a similar jacket with slightly different detailing, and I put it on.  My friend commented that she liked the design, but they didn’t seem too convinced.  The salesperson suddenly exclaimed, “let’s try a medium!”  When I heard that I was unconvinced.  Come on.  Medium?  No freaking way, right?  Well, I just wanted to humour them so I put it on.  When I did they were both “WHOOOOA!”  Apparently it looked perfect.  I wasn’t sure, but they were telling me it was working, so I believed them and bought the jacket.  I currently plan to just hold on to it up until I hit 180.  Still, I’m just shocked that I was able to get into that thing.

It’s amazing how much my experiences growing up play into my sense of self these days.  I suppose it’s obvious that it would, but still.  Part of me would like to say that I’ve changed and matured enough such that what happened before shouldn’t factor into anything.  However, it’s just not the case.  I never would have imagined that I’d find myself in a medium-sized anything.  Mentally my mind just keeps telling me not to even bother trying because it just won’t work.  It never did before, so why would it now?  These experiences are telling me that I need to keep an open mind.  I’m working hard on changing myself.  I can’t sabotage my efforts by mentally blocking myself, right?

This whole journey of “shrinking” has been quite a bit of an eye opener for me.  In years past I’ve been going about it all in a half-assed manner, getting mild results but nothing too drastic.  It’s not that I’m discounting progress that I made in the past.  It’s just that in the end of it all nothing seemed to have a sense of permanence.  It makes me wonder though if this current phase I’m going through will be any different.  I’d like to think that it will be.  I mean, finally, everything seems to have clicked; I found the keys to my self-imposed  prison cell.

Anyway, what I’ve found interesting for now is that now that results have been forthcoming, I’ve been recognizing the importance of rewarding myself for reaching small milestones.  You’d think that breaking 200 lbs. would have been the big reward point.  Mentally, that was a barrier for me.  See, I never thought that I would find myself below that number ever again.  It had been years since my weight was below that point.  I’m sure it must have been some time during puberty that I was last at that weight.  However, when I actually cleared that point I was still finding my way and unsure whether I was on the right track.  Odd, isn’t it?  It wasn’t until much later that I started making it a point to reward myself for staying on track, and to forgive myself more readily if I veer off path.  The point of it all is to reinforce good habits.

At 190 lbs. I decided to go clothes shopping.  I wanted to find better fitting clothes that suited how I felt about myself.  I think when I was heavier there was a little bit of a tendency to just find clothes that are “good enough.”  There’s almost a sense of that it really didn’t matter what I wore because it would never look all that great.  Of course, that’s just a load of horse biscuits.  What I was feeling was just a lack of confidence.  Well, I figured that new clothes would help me jump start that confidence and get the positive momentum really going.  And they did.  It may seem a little materialistic, but that’s just the nature of things: when you look good you feel good.  It’s nice to get a few more looks than usual as you’re walking down the street, right?  As much as people maybe be reacting to how you’re dressed, they’re also reacting to your confidence.

After that, I told myself that upon breaking 185 lbs. I’d go out and buy a frivolous video game for my somewhat-new laptop.  Yeah, I know that video games aren’t exactly conducive to healthy living, but they’re useful for keeping a bit of balance.  Honestly though, it was something I really wanted.  So I was more interested in satisfying that need by making it a reward.  Does that make sense?  Besides, with this lifestyle change, it’s not like something like a video game would derail my efforts at all.  Well, this morning when I checked the scale, I was surprised to find myself right at 185.  I actually had to step off and step on again to confirm that the scale wasn’t acting strange.  Of course, it wasn’t.  I knew that the weight loss was from the heavy workout I did the day before.  In all likelihood things will fluctuate back up a little bit to some equilibrium point.  Even so, it doesn’t matter!  I’ve broken through the gate.  This required celebration.

Tonight I declared that upon breaking 180 lbs. I would go and buy a new leather jacket.  I have an old black leather jacket from 2002 or 2003 that’s pretty large on me now.  Whenever I wear it I feel like I look like I’m borrowing a jacket from some larger relative.  As such, that jacket’s been out of circulation for the past few weeks.  So, this reward is intended to fill that void.  I’ve even got the look a little planned out.  I want a black leather jacket that’s bomber length with a little bit of military inspiration.  I don’t want anything to flashy, but nothing too minimalistic: I want a bit of detail.  Am I obsessing?  Hahah.

It’s interesting to note that there really isn’t anything at all to stop me from just getting all of these rewards ahead of time right now.  That would satisfy my want for some instant gratification, but in the end doing so just won’t be as special as how I’m setting things up now.  Setting these things up as rewards just makes each thing all that much more meaningful.  Doing so makes me more appreciative of the progress I’ve made and makes me more determined to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  So, yeah, I’m just telling these stories so that you too might get a little bit of an idea for how rewards might fit into your life.  If it will help you stay on your path, then go for it!