Experimenting with wearing frames for the next little while. So far the feedback has been very positive.
Category Archive: vanity
It’s not defining
Over the past while I’ve been kind of assessing my body image. Yeah yeah, it’s been ongoing. With CrossFit I’ve been steadily gaining weight. Certainly a lot of it is muscle weight, but not all. A lot more of the clothing I wore back during marathon training doesn’t fit any more. My size was a little unnatural back then. Now, I think I’ve got a better look going–better proportions. Thing is, mentally the fact that I’ve been needing bigger clothes has made me a bit nutty. I worked hard to get away from where I was 2-3 years ago. The situation is different now though. I need bigger pants again, but I’m not as fat as I was before. God knows, I’m a lot fitter. It’s taken me a while, but it almost feels like I’m finally moving past whatever psychological block I’ve had.
Weight is not defining.
Pant-size is not defining.
Why should I be hard on myself if I can’t fit into size 33 pants that I used to be able to wear for a very brief period in 2010? It doesn’t make sense. Like I said a while ago, I’m the best me that I can be at this very moment. As long as I continue to work hard I know that I have nothing to regret.
Angry gift
Friend gave this hat to me. Quite awesome.
Finding my way to a better state
Well, anyone who knows me knows that my battle with weight is a bit of an ongoing theme. Since I can remember I’ve been a little heavier than average. By the end of university it kind of ballooned to a rather bad point. From then I’ve battled my way back down. The year 2010 was a great year for weight loss. It’s like everything clicked, and I eventually go down to about 172 lbs. or so. That was about October 2010. The loss was long and slow, so I knew that I wouldn’t yo-yo back to where I once was. I did figure though that things would equalize, and they did. At this time I’m at about 183 or so. Not that bad, but there’s a part of me that’s looking at what I had achieved months ago and wishing that I had somehow held onto that. It’s been my goal to sort of claw my way back down. It’s been tough. I mean, there have been little things that have sort of affected my mind state with regards to all this. For example, there are about 2 shirts that I used to be able to wear at my slimmest that I can no longer button up. Same with two pairs of pants. I have a few suits. One is far too big. The others are slightly snug since I bought them when I was lighter. I’m sort of stuck in a limbo state. This is all piling up making me want to find a way to reach my goals in a more definite state. It’s slightly obsessive, but that’s where I’m at.
It’s kind of interesting in that despite gaining a little weight I don’t consider myself to be unhealthy in the least. I still run. I still coach. My resting heart rate is still awesomely low. I’m just carrying extra weight–either in my belly or in muscle. Probably both, right? Anyway, this morning I was asking some people I was running with if it looked like I was packing on the pounds. They told me that I didn’t really look it. One chimed in that I’m just muscular. In my mind I call it being boxy. I said that some clothes no longer fit. That’s when one replied that she thought that I looked far too thin at one point back when I was at my lowest. Interesting. Did I consider that before? Even at my lowest there were still “improvements” that I was hoping for. However, was I carrying it a bit far? I do remember my mom complaining that my face looked a little gaunt at one point. She wanted me to gain weight to fill things in. I kind of brushed it off. Now it seems like she wasn’t the only one that thought it was a bit much. How many more people are out there that thought the same thing but didn’t tell me? I don’t know.
So yeah, it’s a tough balance to strike. Perhaps this is my ideal equilibrium point. Maybe I’m just designed to be a little bigger. I think even if I stay the same weight if I lose fat and gain muscle I’d feel just fine. I need to figure out where I need to be. Those two suits that are slightly snug are needed for this weekend since I’m heading to a wedding. Do I need to work hard and lose a bit to make them fit better in the span of one week? That can’t possibly be healthy. Can I just be happy? Hmm. I really need to work on accepting myself while finding ways to better my state. I know, I know. I’m a mess of goals and thoughts. Ultimately I want to find myself in a state where this is no longer an issue. I don’t know what that means other than I’d be free of all of these crippling thoughts and ideals. It’s tough, but I’ll find.
Making the pants fit
Hmm. I am going to a wedding in less than two weeks. My suit’s pants are a little bit tight. I think I might have to eat lightly over the next while. Man, how do people that do this all the time function? I mean, I cut calories but I still manage to eat somewhat normally. Fasting might do me good. Should help to reset things. Gah!
Red on black
Yes, I like the colours red and black. I’m especially fond of deep, dark red shades. They’re sort of signature colours for the sign Scorpio. Anyway, I wouldn’t normally think of wearing red on black because the contrast is pretty high. It kind of reminds me of a Vegas card dealer. I’m doing an improv show tomorrow though where the producer requested we wear something black and red themed. I went out and bought a new black shirt because my current one is mildly ill-fitting. I also got a bright solid red tie. I put the two together and took a few photos. This is now my avatar on my various networks. No, I don’t think it looks bad at all. It still isn’t a colour combo that I’d wear on a daily basis though. Nope.
To better race photos
I’ve been sitting on the couch, listening to the radio, and drinking tea while trying to figure out what to write about. I’ve got a heavy blanket covering my shoulders and a new Running Room jacket on. It finally clicked that I should write about this jacket. So, first a little background on the new jacket. One of the perks of being a Running Room clinic instructor is the ability to take advantage of the employee discount. It’s actually a really good perk if you’re in need of new gear. Thing is, it really only lasts as long as the clinic. Soon after the clinic ends the powers that be take that discount away. It’s understandable. Well, since my clinic ended recently I decided to head in to store and take load up on some gear. In particular I wanted to buy a new jacket.
Most of my running jackets are from the Resolution Run races that take place each New Year. I have four of these–there are new designs each year. They’re good jackets, but they’re also rather ubiquitous. As well, three of those four jackets are actually size XL. These days, even though the jackets are usable they’re kind of baggy. In race situations, when I look at the some of the photos that sports photographers get of me while wearing these jackets I just look large or odd. In summary, I figured it was time for me to get something somewhat more fitted to my new size. Makes sense. Buying clothing in smaller sizes seems to be a common theme lately, no?
I went in on Tuesday night prior to my clinic’s get together. I originally wanted to find something that wasn’t Running Room branded, but there weren’t that many options readily available. The store manager pointed me out to some other jackets and a black one caught my eye. He picked out a size medium which ended up fitting me rather well. I spoke to another runner who I see often in store. He said the jacket worked. He also pointed out the discount rack as a place to find jackets. He did a quick search and immediately found a blue jacket in a medium. Truth be told, if it came down to a choice between the blue and black jacket, I would have gone with the blank. Thing is, when we checked the tag, the jacket was marked down to $20. With my employee discount, the jacket came to $10. At that price it made sense to get both. Crazy. So now I have two new jackets for use during the spring running season. Nice. I’m totally ready for better race photos.
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