citizen of the planet

I’ve been tweaking my closet lately, mostly out of necessity.  I mean, a lot of my favourite items are now kind of baggy on me.  Some stuff that I haven’t worn in a long while is downright tent like now.  All of this new buying is mildly confusing for me.  It’s given me an opportunity to try some new things out, but it also means that I have to spend some time trying to figure out what I want my projected style to be.  Indeed, this is a chance to reinvent myself if I choose to do so.

All week I’ve been testing things out at work.  I haven’t been dressing radically different, but rather with one or two small changes here or there just to gauge how things are received.  In general, people have been noticing and the feedback has been positive.  Today though I kind of went all out: purple oxford shirt, houndstooth vest, fitted leather jacket, flat cap.  God, I felt mildly self-conscious.  Was I overdoing it?  Did I look like a fool?  Did it look like I was trying too hard?  Well, seriously, I got a lot of compliments today as well as a lot of questions as to why I was dressed up today.  I didn’t have a honest answer.  As much as everything worked, I can’t help but feel the pendulum swung too far and leaned slightly into overkill.  I mean, my goal is to look put together but understated.  Maybe I’m just over-thinking it?  After all, a lot of people thought the look worked.  I think a couple of female colleagues noticed my apparent discomfort at receiving compliments.  They flat out told me that I needed to learn to accept compliments gracefully.  Instead, I apparently tend to scowl or look horrified.  Ha!  I wasn’t even aware that that’s what I was projecting.  It makes sense that I’d act that way though.  I mean, I’m not used to getting such comments.  I don’t want to just say “oh, I have to get used to it” because just like that it could all be gone again.

Well, ultimately, I’m going to end up finding a comfortable balance point.  Either I’ll stop feeling so self-conscious, or I’ll figure out how to work the new clothes into a more usual Jason-like look.  Just give me some time, eh?

I was over at the mall hanging out with Sharon who I’ve known for what seems like forever.  We didn’t really have a goal in mind, but eventually it turned into a bit of a clothing hunt for me.  I was all too happy to take advantage of the opportunity because it’s not often that I have female help to go shopping.  After picking up a couple of new shirts, we headed into the leather store on a whim.  I originally wanted to skip it because of my goal of buying a new jacket only when I hit 180 lbs.  As of this morning I was only 3 lbs. off, but I didn’t want to reward myself early.  Still, the signs in the store windows indicated that there was a sale, so I was just curious.

I told my friend that I was looking for a bomber length jacket.  When we went in she seemed to head straight for something that caught her eye.  As she started looking for a size, a salesperson came by and asked what size we were looking for: “medium or large?”  Instinctively I replied “large.”  I put the jacket on and it was OK.  I don’t think I was too sold on it though.  The salesperson picked up a similar jacket with slightly different detailing, and I put it on.  My friend commented that she liked the design, but they didn’t seem too convinced.  The salesperson suddenly exclaimed, “let’s try a medium!”  When I heard that I was unconvinced.  Come on.  Medium?  No freaking way, right?  Well, I just wanted to humour them so I put it on.  When I did they were both “WHOOOOA!”  Apparently it looked perfect.  I wasn’t sure, but they were telling me it was working, so I believed them and bought the jacket.  I currently plan to just hold on to it up until I hit 180.  Still, I’m just shocked that I was able to get into that thing.

It’s amazing how much my experiences growing up play into my sense of self these days.  I suppose it’s obvious that it would, but still.  Part of me would like to say that I’ve changed and matured enough such that what happened before shouldn’t factor into anything.  However, it’s just not the case.  I never would have imagined that I’d find myself in a medium-sized anything.  Mentally my mind just keeps telling me not to even bother trying because it just won’t work.  It never did before, so why would it now?  These experiences are telling me that I need to keep an open mind.  I’m working hard on changing myself.  I can’t sabotage my efforts by mentally blocking myself, right?

This whole journey of “shrinking” has been quite a bit of an eye opener for me.  In years past I’ve been going about it all in a half-assed manner, getting mild results but nothing too drastic.  It’s not that I’m discounting progress that I made in the past.  It’s just that in the end of it all nothing seemed to have a sense of permanence.  It makes me wonder though if this current phase I’m going through will be any different.  I’d like to think that it will be.  I mean, finally, everything seems to have clicked; I found the keys to my self-imposed  prison cell.

Anyway, what I’ve found interesting for now is that now that results have been forthcoming, I’ve been recognizing the importance of rewarding myself for reaching small milestones.  You’d think that breaking 200 lbs. would have been the big reward point.  Mentally, that was a barrier for me.  See, I never thought that I would find myself below that number ever again.  It had been years since my weight was below that point.  I’m sure it must have been some time during puberty that I was last at that weight.  However, when I actually cleared that point I was still finding my way and unsure whether I was on the right track.  Odd, isn’t it?  It wasn’t until much later that I started making it a point to reward myself for staying on track, and to forgive myself more readily if I veer off path.  The point of it all is to reinforce good habits.

At 190 lbs. I decided to go clothes shopping.  I wanted to find better fitting clothes that suited how I felt about myself.  I think when I was heavier there was a little bit of a tendency to just find clothes that are “good enough.”  There’s almost a sense of that it really didn’t matter what I wore because it would never look all that great.  Of course, that’s just a load of horse biscuits.  What I was feeling was just a lack of confidence.  Well, I figured that new clothes would help me jump start that confidence and get the positive momentum really going.  And they did.  It may seem a little materialistic, but that’s just the nature of things: when you look good you feel good.  It’s nice to get a few more looks than usual as you’re walking down the street, right?  As much as people maybe be reacting to how you’re dressed, they’re also reacting to your confidence.

After that, I told myself that upon breaking 185 lbs. I’d go out and buy a frivolous video game for my somewhat-new laptop.  Yeah, I know that video games aren’t exactly conducive to healthy living, but they’re useful for keeping a bit of balance.  Honestly though, it was something I really wanted.  So I was more interested in satisfying that need by making it a reward.  Does that make sense?  Besides, with this lifestyle change, it’s not like something like a video game would derail my efforts at all.  Well, this morning when I checked the scale, I was surprised to find myself right at 185.  I actually had to step off and step on again to confirm that the scale wasn’t acting strange.  Of course, it wasn’t.  I knew that the weight loss was from the heavy workout I did the day before.  In all likelihood things will fluctuate back up a little bit to some equilibrium point.  Even so, it doesn’t matter!  I’ve broken through the gate.  This required celebration.

Tonight I declared that upon breaking 180 lbs. I would go and buy a new leather jacket.  I have an old black leather jacket from 2002 or 2003 that’s pretty large on me now.  Whenever I wear it I feel like I look like I’m borrowing a jacket from some larger relative.  As such, that jacket’s been out of circulation for the past few weeks.  So, this reward is intended to fill that void.  I’ve even got the look a little planned out.  I want a black leather jacket that’s bomber length with a little bit of military inspiration.  I don’t want anything to flashy, but nothing too minimalistic: I want a bit of detail.  Am I obsessing?  Hahah.

It’s interesting to note that there really isn’t anything at all to stop me from just getting all of these rewards ahead of time right now.  That would satisfy my want for some instant gratification, but in the end doing so just won’t be as special as how I’m setting things up now.  Setting these things up as rewards just makes each thing all that much more meaningful.  Doing so makes me more appreciative of the progress I’ve made and makes me more determined to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  So, yeah, I’m just telling these stories so that you too might get a little bit of an idea for how rewards might fit into your life.  If it will help you stay on your path, then go for it!

Yeah, certainly, it’s quite possible that I could be imagining it.

Though…better fitting clothes do seem to make a difference.

Or is it more about how I carry myself?

It’s so damn weird.  So foreign.  What the hell?

I was folding laundry the other day when I noticed that I was running out of space in my closet for a lot of my new stuff.  So, I decided to take a big step for myself.  I had a big empty Rubbermaid container on the floor of the closet.  I took it out, opened it up, and then started taking stock of the shirts and pants I had hanging in the closet. It was time to make some room.

This whole fitness thing has been quite the eye opener for me.  I’ve been taking steps to be fitter for years, but it’s only in the past few months were I’ve really been focusing on my food intake.  It’s made a huge difference.  A lot of pants in my closet are now either too big or not terribly flattering.  Same thing with a lot of my shirts.  Some favourites are now baggy and perhaps a bit tent like.  There’s really no point then in having them hanging there taking space.

Really, packing away these clothes is pretty therapeutic.  It tells me that I’ve been on the right track as of late.  At the same time, I’m putting these clothes away with hesitation.  Am I really at a point where I can leave these layers behind?  If I fail, will I be dragging it all out again in quick time?  It’s kind of scary.  I’m sort of closing a chapter of sorts, but is the narrative really over? Since I’m packing things away, it means that I have to buy some new things.  Can I really buy new things and not have them go to waste?

Things are-a-changin’.  I need the courage to keep charging forward.

The other day I was reporting that my cold tolerance seems to have gone…well, I’m happy to report that I think it’s back.  At least, I think that I’m happy about it.  Hmm.  Anyway, this morning, I saw my sports jacket sitting in the closet, not getting any air time.  Since I had taken the blazer out for a spin the day before, I figured that the sports jacket needed a chance.  Besides, the dark grey pattern seemed to look better with what I had on in comparison to the black blazer.  Oh yes, I’m sure I could have just gone with my leather jacket, but whatever man, I was already committed.  As soon as I stepped out the door though, I questioned my choice of not going with the leather.  The wind immediately started attacking my body.  It was blowing my unbuttoned jacket, kind of making me feel like I was a character in some sort of movie scene walking toward some sort of helicopter with its blades going.  All I was missing was a pair of aviators and a suitcase full money.  The wind was fierce, but I didn’t seem to mind at the time.  I had my gloves on, and that seemed to be enough to not make me run back to my place to dress more appropriately.

Upon arriving at work, I got the usual comments about interviews, but I just laughed with everyone.  On the inside I was still feeling slightly out of place, but all of that was squashed when I got remarks about how I was well-dressed.  Great, right?  People also commented on how I didn’t bring a thicker jacket.  They asked, “aren’t you cold?”  My immediate response, which was meant to be a bit cheeky was: “It’s the middle of December, of course I’m cold!”  I mean, really.  Sure, I was cold, but I was covered enough for whatever short trips I had to make out there.  I really was just fine up until maybe the last few hundred metres back to my place.  It was close to 7 p.m. at that point and it felt like the winds were twice as strong as they were in the morning.  As I walked, the wind was pushing me with enough force to make me look like I had a bit too much to drink.  There were some icy patches along the way and I was afraid that a sudden gust would just knock me on my ass.  I was OK though.  My nose was dripping but the cold blasts took my attention away from it.  At that point, yes, I totally wish I had a thicket jacket, but considering that I only thought that for a few minutes out of the whole day of Mother Nature violating me, I did well.  I plan on being a bit more sensible on Friday because I’ve made my point to myself.  I’ve still got it.  I’m strong.  I’m healthy.  I’m foolish.  I can take it.

What I wear to work is pretty standard.  I usually wear a collared shirt tucked into pants: either jeans, khakis or slacks.  Depending on my mood I’ll use my black belt or my brown belt.  My black belt is dressier, but when I wear it now I have to tighten it all the way to the last hole.  Sometimes that’s still too loose.  The brown belt is more casual and wider.  I use either my brown or black leather shoes.  The brown ones are derbies, while the black ones are oxfords.  I have to leather jackets that I use on top of it all–one black and one brown.  The black feels a little big now, but lighter than the brown one that fits like a suit jacket.  Anyway, all of that gives me enough permutations to change things up often enough.  Frankly, I don’t think I look sloppy.  Most of the time I look casual enough without looking like a slob, which is where I should be.

So, this morning out of the blue I saw my blazer in the closet and figured that I’d wear that instead of my leather jackets.  I mean, that blazer doesn’t get enough use.  I paid good money for it so I better find more opportunities to use it.  It was an interesting choice of a day to use it though.  A storm system hovering overhead turned from snow to rain.  I learned that my blazer does a good job of repelling water.  During the lunch hour I was walking back from a restaurant in the pouring rain.  The jacket didn’t seem to retain a large amount of moisture.  I actually enjoyed using it today, and really I think I need to use it more often.  Thing is, it tends to draw odd reactions.  Other than comments about me looking dressed up, the second most popular comment was a question of whether I had an interview today.  Whaaa?  Sure, it’s a given that it must look a little more weird for me to be dressed a little more formally, but does it have to mean that I had an interview?  It wouldn’t really be worth noting except for the fact that multiple people asked me.  What, a guy can’t dress up to look good without a good reason?  What a sad sad sad commentary that is.  Maybe if I start dressing like that on a more regular basis no one will notice if actually have an interview.  Interesting plan.

Due to an event happening the Sunday after next, I decided to head out to Moores to possibly pick up either a blazer or a sport coat.  I was originally considering going to the event with just a suit jacket and my dark jeans, but from what I was reading online doing so would have been a faux-pas.  Apparently combining a suit jacket with casual clothes doesn’t look like you consciously dressed it down, rather that you just couldn’t find the right jacket, or perhaps accidentally stained the rest of your suit.  Ouch!  So, that’s why I decided to go to a specialty men’s clothing place.

As I walked in, immediately I was attended to.  Nice job!  If I ended up having to wander around pawing at the clothing on my own I’d probably be out of there within minutes.  I suggested that I was looking for either a blazer or a sport jacket for the event and he immediately took the measuring tape to get my numbers.  After that, he brought me to the jackets to try on a few items.  After a few questions it was apparent that I really didn’t have much idea about dressing up.  From what I was able to pick up, a blazer seems to look more formal.  As such, you have more of an opportunity to dress it down without it looking like a mess.  A sport jacket uses a slightly more casual fabric so you can’t dress it down too much.  You really should wear dress pants with that.  See!  I had no clue.

The guy kept saying “these are essential pieces for a well-dressed man’s wardrobe.”  I certainly couldn’t disagree there.  I’ve really wanted jackets like that in my closet, but I just didn’t have a need.  I lucked out in my timing because the place was having a buy one get one free deal going.  As such, in the end instead of deciding on the sport jacket vs. the blazer I got both.  As he kept asking me more questions, I really started thinking that I’m really missing some important things.  He asked if I had dress pants.  I had to really think about that.  All of the pairs I had are now too big.  So, I told him that I didn’t really.  Imagine his shock.  He asked me what shoes I was going to wear.  I sheepishly told him that I was just planning on polishing the scuffed and salt stained casual brown Rockports I had on at the time.  Really, I had no choice because those were my only non-sneaker type shoes.  He told me that it’d be prudent to go with black shoes.  Ugh.  Well, I was planning on getting black shoes anyway, so I let him show me what they had.  He also showed me a shirt which really was 100x better than any of my current shirts that I would have attempted to pair up with the jacket.

Ultimately, I ended up buying two jackets, a shirt, and a pair of shoes.  The price wasn’t bad at all and within the mental budget I set up in anticipation.  Maybe I can use these as a foundation of sorts.  From now on, I can continue adding on pieces to things.  One day, maybe I’ll be able to consider myself a well-dressed man.  HAH!  Not likely in the next little while, but I suppose I’m on my way.