citizen of the planet

I was just reflecting on this a little bit earlier.  Some days I wonder what life would be like if I continued living a somewhat cowardly existence by continuing to put up with the people who made me feel inferior, or like there was something fundamentally wrong with me.  I think back then all I wanted was a little approval.  Really, isn’t that what all of us want?  In the end, we all just want people to like us for who we are.  And yet, years ago, I was in some situation where I just didn’t feel right.

Back then, due to circumstance I was always the odd one out.  It’s hard when everyone else is working on one thing and you’re off in your own world toiling away on things that they couldn’t care less about.  It was in this environment that I was trying to find a way in.  Despite my serious nature, in a home setting I’m easy enough to get along with.  My will to please was running rampant.  In particular, there was one person with whom I used to be close with, but over time it turned into personal rejection after personal rejection.  Despite this, I didn’t really realize right away that my life didn’t have to revolve around these people.  Looking back, my heart kind of breaks for that old Jason.  Poor, poor fool.

It wasn’t until a chance encounter, and invitation to watch Idol with people that I didn’t know that well, that it dawned on me that life outside of the bubble was entirely possible.  I realized that there are people out there that could possibly accept me in all of my eccentric and maladjusted glory.  That’s when I started extricating myself from the poison.  Case in point that no one really cared: I haven’t received any contact at all from any one of those old people.  Sure, communication is a two way street, but I’m not letting them off the hook.  Seeing as how the relationship was lopsided away from my favour, I’m not the one that needs to reach out.  Screw that.

So, if I had stayed in that situation, I would be a totally different person that I am today.  First of all though, I question whether I would have been able to put up with all that for much longer than I did.  I surely think I’d be more messed up than I already was.  I have a need for people to like me.  Without having that need fulfilled, I think I’d mentally feel like a total failure.  I’d still be trying hard to please them.  The level of absurdity of the lengths I’d go would probably be higher.  Overall, I don’t see myself being content, and depression would have sunk in long ago.

Enough of that though.  Yes, all of that is very doom and gloom isn’t it?  Let me state that I’ve very glad that I stepped out of  that realm.  If it wasn’t for that, I might not have gotten closer with friends that eventually became future roommates.  I might not have had the improvements in my grades that I was able to achieve since my mind would have been occupied elsewhere.  I would not have bonded so strongly with my university classmates because instead of spending time in the labs I would have been in the unit with the others.  I am so fortunate that I have these connections with classmates; some of them are still going strong after all these years.  More than anything, I’m glad that I was able to find myself.  I was able to realize that I am worth my time.  I am hardly broken; I am unique.  I suppose then that the experiences I had before do serve a purpose after all.  They’ve made me stronger and more confident in myself.

Without a bit of routine to differentiate the days, I’m feeling kind of lost.  I can mentally tell myself that this is Saturday, but it doesn’t feel like a weekend.  It feels like every other past day for me this week.  It’s kind of mind-boggling for me that tomorrow is Sunday.  That means that I have a run tomorrow morning.  It also means that I have work again in two days.

I’m not necessarily saying that I want to be at work again.  I’ve established that in yesterday’s post.  Actually, more than anything I think I’m craving the bit of routine that work provides.  It divides the week such that I can actually look forward to the weekend.  Without it, this week has just been a blur.  Sure, that’s a great thing on a few levels, but…

Aaaaargh. I almost typed something that I shouldn’t type.

I swear, next time I plan on taking time off I should try to make it a destination vacation.  We’ll see.

There’s a difference between caring about something and pitying something.

Call me hard if you want, but hell, don’t tell me I don’t care.

Just like I said a few days ago about needing to be in a cocoon now and then to do domestic stuff, I actually stayed at home today. I’ve been decked in a tank and sweats all day, cooking, listening to music, lying on the couch napping, watching TV, and being in a heightened state of meditativeness. I’m usually one who encourages this type of thing now and then but now at the end of the day I’m sort of regretting not doing more. Part of me is feeling like I would have been better off if I had at least left the confines of my place. Would it have killed me to get some fresh air? My parents called and were wondering about the next time I’d drop by. I actually passed on going today thinking that I needed time to bum around and do nothing. And so I got the time…why am I not happier about it? A friend suggest going to a mall at some point. I passed it up letting my inertia win out. Maybe I should have gone out and gotten some exercise.

I know, it starts to sound whiny when I talk about things this way. For better or for worse, deep down what I wanted to do was just get some isolation today. Instead of complaining about it, I just need to take ownership over it. Tomorrow is another day, and it looks like it’ll be a busy one finding me away from home for a good number of hours. Perhaps I can consider today as a way of balancing out the weekend.

Mission accomplished then? Bah.