citizen of the planet

This ended up as a day where I had a chance to catch up with two people that I hadn’t seen in years.  I saw one of them over lunch, and the other over dinner.  It really is interesting how meals are great at bringing people together, right?  So, I was just thinking that the younger version of me would have been fretting over whether I’ve done enough since the last time we saw each other.  I mean, am I at the right place career-wise?  Have I travelled anywhere exciting?  Am I doing enough in my spare time?  Am I dating someone?  On some level, I believed I would be judged by just how far I’d gotten, and I would have wanted to the other party to look down on me.

Of course, all of that is silly, isn’t it?

Thankfully, this time around I was a lot more relaxed and forgiving of myself.  I was genuinely interested in hearing about what they’ve been up to, and they were interested in what I’ve been up to.  I may not be at the top of my game in all spheres of life, but that doesn’t matter at all; these people are interested in me and not my “status.”  It’s amazing how liberating that thought is.

When you get into a weekly routine of sorts, it’s kind of easy to lose a state of mindfulness.  Some things become so second-nature that there’s no need to analyze the task at hand in fine detail anymore.  Mindlessness spreads easily if left unchecked.  In all honesty, I kind of feel like I’ve gotten to one of those points where I’m far too caught up with the routine that I’ve lost focus.  It at such a time that I need to step back and reassess things.  I’m not even talking about a broad “How am I doing” type of question, because that’s just far too big to tackle.  I think the big question that I need to ponder is: what is important to me?  And what can I do to make sure those things continue to have a place in my life?

If I think about it, there are some gut responses that I can spit out right away.  That’s fine.  However, I have to analyze and dig deeper.  Why are these things important?  Am I holding onto these things for the right reasons?  Are they helping me advance or improve myself?  I’m not going to list any of these things out just yet, but I suppose they could make for some interesting blog posts.

I really need to take stock of my life; it’s important for everyone to do so at this age.  I’m getting close to 30.  Sure, I still have a little over a year to go, but the fact that the milestone is off in the distance just makes me want to sit and analyze.  I need to make sure that my foundation is rock solid so that I have the freedom to explore later on, right?  Anything that’s no longer useful needs to be trimmed, and that’s only possible if I have a good feel for where my values and concerns are.

Some days it’s just all too easy to fall into a state of panic.  Yeah, I know very well that there’s a learning curve involved.  I just need to work hard to get over the visceral feeling of just being in over my head.  None of this should come instantly.  I need a bit more intestinal fortitude, really, to ride out these tough times.  I need to just realize that it’s not like I’m the first person to go through all of this.

Patience.  Courage.

Today was a bit of a community event at my Running Room location.  Actually, all RR locations had their 20 Minute Challenge today.  This year’s event gave us a red hat, which is going to get good usage from me.  I have several red technical shirts and that hat will coordinate well when there’s a need.  It’s a lot more useful than the bright green one I got two years ago.  Anyway, the thing about the RR that I go to is that after the 20 Minute Challenge we always have a barbecue at the nearby park.  It’s nice to just gather together and socialize with people in our running community.  It also tends to being together a lot of people who may not have seen each other in a long time.  It seems like today I got a hell of a lot of people complimenting me over the amount of weight I’ve lost.  I’ve made a lot of big changes over the past ten months, so yeah, the compliments were certainly welcome.  Seeing as how that’s an obvious visible change, I kind of expected it to get mentioned.  Something else caught me off guard today though.  I ended up walking the challenge with a good group of people.  Among them was someone whom I hadn’t seen in ages.  She was my coach for the 2008-2009 winter half marathon clinic.  As we went along, she told me that it seemed like I was a lot more outgoing than she remembered.  That made me pause for thought.

I always say that no matter what happens I will always be me.  Yes, it sounds dumb and obvious, but I figure that there are some personality traits that ground me and define who “Jason” is.  Thing is…is that really true?  I’m supposed to be shy.  I’m supposed to be afraid of being bombastic.  I’m supposed to be sullen.  I didn’t display any of those traits today, and yet it all still felt entirely natural.  Yeah, like I always say, I’m like an onion.  Still, even if you peel away several layers of an onion, there’s still something definitive about it such that you can still say “that’s an onion.”  I thought I had a good handle on who I am and what makes me who I am at a fundamental level, but if I really sit down to think about it, I don’t think I do.  I’m not saying it’s necessarily a terrible thing, but it’s sort of bad when it feels like others have a better handle on me than I do myself.  What the hell is going on?

Note to self:

In all seriousness, I have to be careful about my complaining.  Not everyone around me is up to hearing about my angst.

Even if I’m feeling panicked…
Even if I’m feeling doomed…
Even if I’m feeling trapped…
Even if I’m feeling like a failure…

…it’s probably never that bad.

So suck it up, and stop feeling already.

Life is all about beginnings and endings.  Old chapters need to be closed before new ones can be opened.  My personality enjoys stability, so whenever there’s a change of some sort it I tend to feel it rather heavily.  At this point there are a couple of things winding down, and a couple of things that are still in their infancy.  In my mind, I kind of imagine all of these things in the form of several hourglasses.  The final grains of sand are draining out of the ones related to work, and perhaps improv.  My time with my current team is fading; soon I’ll be transferring to another team with a whole new set of responsibilities.  In improv, my 300 foundation class is coming to an end.  Following that I’ll be taking the final foundation course.  Who knows where that will lead?  The hourglass related to running was only flipped over a little while ago.  There’s still a long way off before that one drains, but I can’t afford to let that one be ignored.

I’m just feeling a little bit uneasy at this time.  I’m sure I’ll feel more at ease once everything finds a rhythm again.  As it is, I feel like I’m using so much of my energy holding back.  It’s sort of draining, to be honest.  This summer will be exciting and exhausting all at the same time.  I have to recognize that this is a necessary transition.  I can’t shy away from it.  I need to face it all and embrace it, willingly or otherwise.

Am I really that grumpy?

Yes.

Do I really have that scowl thing going frequently?

Yes.

Am I really projecting death rays to people on a daily basis?

Yes.

Aren’t people used to all of that by now?

Yes?

GRAAAAAGH.

I’ve touched on concepts of light and dark in this blog before, eh?  Everyone has both going for themselves in different quantities. It’s a lot easier to give in to darkness because human nature and human desires tend to lean that way when not kept in check.  The thing about the human darkness is that it tends to have this effect where it can spin out of control.  Conversely, it’s harder to live in light because it takes a heck of a lot more effort. So, I figure that if dark comes easily, it’s then important to live in light as much as possible to counterbalance the effect of light’s complement.  For me, in doing so, it makes it easier to accept and acknowledge the darker aspects of myself.

I may seem like I often have a dark cloud hanging overhead.  Catch me off-guard and it’s easy to think that I may always be bitter or angry at the world.  However, those who knows me best know that I’m capable of so much good, and that I have the capacity to be ridiculously warm-hearted.  It all depends on which deep pool I happen to be dipping into at the time.