"It's not even about being married...I just want someone in my life to be my partner in crime. Someone to listen. Someone to understand."
@jnery
Jay Nery
Category Archive: was just thinking…
I’m good at this!
In talking with someone I know, we kind of identified the fact that I like to do awesome stuff to somehow get the approval of other people. ”Oh, I’m good at this! People are going to think I’m awesome!” I know it’s sort of neurotic-sounding when I frame things that way, but it’s sort of true. It’s part of why I coach. It’s part of why I do improv. It’s part of why I bake. It wouldn’t be uncommon of me to really go out of my way to do something to help out even though it would be a big time sucker for me and my personal time.
Over at my not-so-local Running Room they’re having a bit of a Canada Day potluck event on Wednesday. I wanted to contribute! I was thinking about it on my way back home from coaching. I would probably make glazed shortbread cookies, but that would require blocks of butter, which would require me to head to the store. By the time I get back it’d be about 9-ish, which would mean I have a few hours to get it all together. While I’m working on that I could multitask and work on coding a website that I volunteered to do. I could do that all while catching up on PVR’d episodes of shows that I’ve been meaning to catch up on. If I’m lucky I could get to sleep by 1 or 2 a.m. Hurray! Yeah, after outlining things that way, I decided to just let go of baking for the event. There’s just no sense in trying to cram that in. There’s no time! As much as it would be appreciated, it’s not a matter of life or death if I participate. And in not doing so people are not going to judge and say “Oh, Jason is so damn lazy!” There’s no need to kill myself for a bit of approval. If I bake it should be because I genuinely want to do it.
Busy season
Seems that I’m entering a period of being a busy body again. Not that I’m complaining, of course. It’s like I’m a juggler with many balls in the air. One moment of list focus could mean that it all goes to hell, right? This is a good thing because as you all know I’m not the type of person that can be idle for far too long.
All the same, a four hour block of time to do laundry would be nice. Oh, and focus to get my place in order. Too much to ask? Well, I guess something had to give…
Pressure points
You know, I was just thinking. We all have a couple of particularly painful parts of our mind and experiences that we tend to avoid. Whether it’s intentional or not, there are some areas that we avoid exploring or facing in order to not feel hurt. This is due to the part of us that wants to exert control over circumstances that we have some say over. Ultimately, it’s a survival mechanism, isn’t it? We can do a great job tiptoeing around that pain, but once in a while we end up tapping into it. And GOD, you end up getting a feeling of “WTF just happened there.” I had one of those moments today. It felt like I had leapt off a cliff and dove into something ugly and uncharted. For those few brief moments I felt a little bit of panic. It was a case of “Oh dang, what am I going to do now?” The pain is obviously genuine to have caused such a strong reaction. Scary stuff. You know, all the same, knowing that these points exist means that I know some of the sources of my ongoing grievances. I’m basically giving that part of me some well-needed airtime. And really, that’s all part of the healing process.
Spare time for selfishness
Gah! It’s the first Saturday in a while that I’ve had without any big responsibilities to deal with. No improv, no running. I took the time to walk on over to the movie theatre and catch a flick. From there I wandered around some more making a couple of shopping stops around the neighbourhood. It’s great having this spare time to be selfish, but I wonder if I’m going to just get bored of it all sooner rather than later. If I’m not doing something in terms of learning, or helping others, am I making good use of my time? Why am I making such a fuss about it? Blargh. I need to stop worrying about what’s proper and just exist for a little while. I need to just be.
If this was easy
Just need to keep reminding myself: if it was easy, then everyone would be doing it. I’m on this path for a reason.
Excelling at solitude
I was just thinking, I’m good at being alone. I don’t shy away from having a night to myself to catch up on my thoughts. All the same…it’s nice to know that people are thinking of me once in a while, right?
Terrible alcoholic
Was just thinking, I make a terrible alcoholic. I was feeling particularly down earlier so on a whim I brought a bottle of red wine to my bed room with full intention of drinking it all and drowning my sorrows. I had about one glass before I gave up.
Not meant to be.
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