Category Archive: academia

Other ways to shine

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Sun. July 25, 2010

When my parents moved, I had to spend a bit of time helping them out and deciding what to do with a lot of my old stuff. Seeing as how they were downsizing it didn’t make sense for them to hold on to a lot of my things. I ended up taking a lot of it back to my place just so that I could sort it out on my own schedule. As I’m lying down here in my bed, off in the corner of my room I can see a couple of boxes of fansubs that I don’t want to part with despite not having a VCR plugged in anywhere around here. I also had to take the contents of my bookshelves in the old house. I bought a secondary bookcase from Ikea a while ago in anticipation. That bookcase is now full of old textbooks that look good on display but will probably never get air again (let’s be honest, right?)

One find that caught me off guard was the big pile of notes and correspondence from high school and university. If I think about it, some of that stuff is actually more than a decade old now. Why were we (my parents and I) hoarding that kind of thing? I spend about an hour last night picking through the stuff, seeing if there was anything I might want to keep.

I actually spotted one report card from my first semester of high school. Man, I was a decent student back then. If only I wasn’t so lazy. From later on in my high school career I spotted a letter of recommendation from one of my high school’s vice-principals. It’s not like I was openly courting administration, but I still managed to get them to pay attention to me. I also found a few letters of admission from the universities that I enrolled in. Now, we all know that I chose to go with the computer engineering program at the University of Waterloo as my thing, but were you aware how that was actually my last choice? I only enrolled into three programs at the time, and all of them eventually got back to me. I had also applied to the computer science program at Waterloo, the University of Toronto, and York University. I only applied to engineering as an after thought if only because I felt that there was no way I’d get in. Well, wouldn’t you know it, of all four, it was engineering that got back to me first. The rest is history, I guess. I poked through some of those letters. Man…what could have been, eh?

There were a lot of university notes in the pile, along with a couple of exams. As I looked through it all I couldn’t help but feel like I had mentally lost everything that I had learned. Yes, I know the whole thing about how I at least know how to find the information now, but…it’ll be a tough slog if I ever had to do so. Ah, but that’s why society leaves that kind of thing to the people who continue down that path. I don’t see myself having to do any work on a microscopic level regarding substrate layers anytime soon. WHATEVER.

If I found myself to be a bright shining star in my high school years, my university years seems to see that brightness fade. Perhaps it’s a good thing, you know? If anything, that period forced me to develop a sense of humility. It showed me that I have limits, and that even if I’m not the best at something life will go on. I could choose to stay dim and live a low-key life, but I think something in me has clicked as of the last year or two. I think back then it was almost as if academics was all I had. I am thankful that I had that because at the very least it gave me something to focus on. Without that now, I have to find other ways to shine brightly to those that are around me. Perhaps it’s why I find satisfaction in running, improv, and now yoga. Running gives me drive, improv gives me a creative outlet, and yoga helps me to find peace. At this point in my life, I’m comfortable leaving behind the things in my past. They carried me this far, but they no longer serve a purpose. It’s time to look ahead. Perhaps as a sign of that I actually threw out all of the pile.

Admissions letters, mediocre exams, recommendations, reports: all gone. Moving on.

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Dreaming of exam panic

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Mon. January 19, 2009

This past weekend I found myself in a bit of panic. This was all due to what seems to be a recurring dream for me. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it feels raw each and every time, making me feel quite uneasy. Upon waking I have to take a moment or two to regain my bearings and assess reality from make-believe. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Well, what’s the dream? It involves university and being on the brink of graduation. Usually, in the forefront of my mind there’s something nagging, telling me that I’ve missed the exam for some subject. It varies from dream to dream: French, Psychology 101, Sociology, English, etc. See, in the dream I apparently went to one or two classes of the subject but then decided that I didn’t need to go. I then totally ignored the class to the point where I forgot the scheduled exam. In some variations I’m in a panic over whether I’m actually still enrolled in the class. Sometimes I haven’t been to that class for so long that I was suddenly un-enrolled. Whatever the case, the result is that I suddenly don’t have enough credits to graduate–leaving me in a panic over how I’m going to make it up.

When I wake up from these dreams, my mind is often in overdrive trying to figure out when the exam for the course was supposed to be. Sometimes I have to second-guess what day of the week it is just in case I was dreaming that I missed it. Of course, THERE IS NO EXAM. After a few moments of figuring things out, I always realize that I have my freaking diploma, and that I’ve been out of school for a few years now.

Wow, so what the hell is with this dream? I think the obvious interpretation is a general fear of failure. Maybe these dreams come to me whenever I’m going through a particularly stressful time at work. During these periods there’s a definite need to perform. I guess I’m carrying that stress home with me. Why is it manifesting itself in the form of dreams of missing exams/skipping class? My academic career has had ups and downs. I’ve never gotten to the point though where I’d miss something outright from classes through exams. See, tuition cost too much to allow me to forget, know what I mean?

You know, for once, I’d like to have one of these academic dreams where I’m actually victorious. I can joke about not being the ideal university student. Why? I’m not. Period. However, I worked hard when it mattered. In the end I got the job done. What more is there? Why can’t my subconscious celebrate that achievement for once?

*grumble*

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Pulling a tube sock inside-out

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Thu. February 7, 2008

A colleague and I were on the train talking about various things when the topic of job interviews came up. He’s done a few interviews in order to find new employees and he was lamenting about how the questions frequently asked during these interviews didn’t really give enough insight into how the mind of the potential candidate worked. Fair enough I guess. It’s good to toss a question that might not necessarily have a direct answer but may require some semblance of a thought process to solve, know what I mean?

Well, as an example he posed a programming question out loud: “how would you go about reversing a simple linked list?” At first, I was kind of repulsed by it because, hey, I left work to not think about such things, right? However, the longer the words sat in my mind, the more I could figuratively feel the gears starting to turn in my head. I had to hearken back to some of my old programming courses in university.

Oh man…

So, OK. Let’s assume that it’s a linked list where each node just has a pointer to the next node. He mentioned that some people might solve the problem with a loop. I thought about using a loop, but something about that method seemed pretty nasty. I didn’t understand why I felt that way about the solution. He also said that some people could solve it with one pointer of sorts. Yeah…wasn’t sure how that would be done as well. Well, I stashed the problem away in the back of my mind thinking that I wouldn’t come back to it. Interestingly enough, it did come back to me as I was driving home and I thought of a solution that was sort of cool. I put it all away in the back of my mind again, but then it came back to the forefront when I was sitting on the can. I wasn’t sure why the solutions were good or bad up until I actually then.

So. Here lies a big big big disclaimer for the following stuff. I don’t know if my solution is sound. I certainly don’t think it’s the best solution. I don’t know if what I’m going to be blabbering on about makes sense: I could be tossing terms around without knowing exactly what they mean. Nonetheless…this sort of makes a little bit of sense in my mind, at least. And if it’s completely wrong, well…so be it.

So, say you’re using some sort of ugly loop to grab the pointers off the end each time. If you traverse the list each time you’re going to come up with the solution in O(n2) time, aren’t you? That’s because you’re doing some triangular number of node accesses [ {n(n+1)}/2 ]. OK. So…I was thinking why not traverse it right to the end with a recursive function? Each time the function is called, it calls itself again if it finds a next pointer value. When the function finally gets a node, it just tacks on its own next value and returns that. When everything returns, you’ll have that reverse list you wanted. Since you’re only going through the list once, you’re getting it in linear time O(n), right? Caveat: the list can’t have some sort of weird circular reference thing going or else this would fail.

I was actually able to think of a good visual analogy for all of this techno-nonsense. That recursive solution is sort of like putting your hand in a long tube sock, pinching the end, then pulling it inside out. The loop solution is like…doing suicide runs in gym class–you’re covering the same terrain over and over again.

OK. I’ve got to let the question go. I don’t plan on losing any sleep over it. Thanks.

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This is how you play the game

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Fri. October 19, 2007

Over at a forum that I visit frequently, I came across a post from someone currently going through first year university woes. She spoke about not doing so well in some of her courses, which was a big difference from her days in high school where everything seemed to come naturally for her. When I read that, I completely understood where she was coming from and how she was feeling because I felt the same way. It almost seemed like the words she wrote down could have come from my hands.

It’s so crazy to think about it: my undergrad career began 7 years ago. Right from the beginning, it was tough to juggle it all because I had a bad work ethic. In high school, I really didn’t have to work hard, so university was definitely a shock. Looking back, I can’t believe how lazy I was. It’s almost embarrassing now. Well, due to all that, I didn’t do so well early on. I felt like I’d suddenly been beaten with the stupid stick. I felt inadequate. There were several times that I wanted to give up and just run away from it all. I didn’t though; for better or for worse, I stuck with the programme. It wasn’t really until later on that I clued in to the fact that I had to change the way I worked.

You know, I’d never get the stellar marks that I did in high school, but at some point I became at peace with that. I found the equilibrium point where the effort I put in would give the best returns. There was a line that I found where any more effort than that wouldn’t have made much difference, so I cut off those diminishing returns in lieu of having more time for myself. Me and my like-minded friends had it down to an art. Interestingly enough, once this balance was all figured out, my marks naturally went up. My intelligence level didn’t really go up or down during this time. It all just clicked: this is how you play the game.

Anyway, because I felt so familiar with what this person on the forum was going through, I sent her a private message telling her about my experience. I wanted to encourage her and tell ensure her that it’s not a matter of intelligence but of fortitude. University can easily make you feel stupid, but it doesn’t mean that you’ve suddenly become less intelligent from the moment you stepped onto campus grounds. I hope she got the message.

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The “back to school” thing

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Tue. September 4, 2007

On the radio and the morning TV shows, the topics of conversation were very much centred around the whole “back to school” movement and all of the associated jitters. The whole vibe is seemingly so far removed for me now. During university, the co-op schedule threw everything out of whack, meaning that I had to face “back to school” a lot more frequently. Frankly, after a while there wasn’t any more anxiety: I knew what was coming up. Inevitably, upon return, nothing much changed. Sure, the classes were different, but the atmosphere was just more of the same. The same people were there, still acting the way that they acted a couple of months prior. At that point, there was no longer any marked increase in maturity that might have once been more apparent in high school. Hell no.

When I think about the process now as a whole, it reminds me of a marathon. Instead of a long period of study followed by a period of freedom, it was just a continuous cycle of duty happening for a very long time.

So, prior to university then, the last time I felt the pressures of the “back to school” mentality was in high school. What was that? Last millennium? Heh. Yeah, the month of September back then was often full of anxiety. In high school, like most people, I was busy building my self-identity. So, when it came time to return, I was scared to see if people’s perceptions of me had changed. In my case, I think I threw so much of my focus into the academic side of things. I believe I used that as a distraction. When I was busy figuring out calculus, and chemical formulae, I simply didn’t have time to actively worry about what people thought. I was mildly comfortable with people forming their opinions of me based on academics. Respect? Envy? Disdain? Awe? Still, doubts were there. They were always there, lingering like phantoms tied to the material plane. When I let my guard down, the doubts would come attacking with a vengeance. I felt that academics was all I had. What if people say beyond that? What would they find? That was part of the stress I experienced. I both loved and hated “back to school.” Yeah, sounds emo now, but back then, that was everything.

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Walking wounded

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Mon. May 21, 2007

With this theme switch, the journal byline has been drawing attention more. Previously, it had been “an online journal” which is rather boring. So last night, I set on trying to come up with a new one. I wanted something slightly witty, but not ridiculous. I didn’t want it to include anything like the words “musings” or “babbling” because I’m starting to find more respect for the words that I put down here. Is it a result of maturity? Who knows?

So this morning, I settled on “a journal of the walking wounded”. To be honest, I’m not sure I like it. I was hoping that something would come to be in a dream, but in the end, it came to me where many people end up having their most profound thoughts: while sitting on the can. The term “walking wounded” reminds me of that Psychology class I had under Dr. Greenaway. One of the dimensions in her psych model was “wounded” or something close to that– I don’t remember anymore. Anyway, I feel that I’m certainly exhibiting a lot of that particular dimension and am now operating “outside of the cone.”

Heh. Yeah, I guess I’m babbling now. Anyway. What do you think of the byline? Can you think of something better?

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Test The Nation: IQ

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Sat. March 24, 2007

This past Sunday, CBC aired the show Test The Nation: IQ. As the name suggests, it was basically a televised IQ test, with a bit of a data mining element attached to it. In studio, there were several groups of people (e.g. surgeons, tattoo artists) taking the test to see if one group would prevail over another. When I heard about this show, I really wanted to sit down and participate from home, but when the show rolled around, I suddenly chickened out.

Yeah, I was afraid to participate.

I mean, I have some idea of what my IQ is–or was. I’ve just been rather…intellectually inactive for a while now. I have to admit that I was afraid that I had dumbed down a bit. That’s why I didn’t want to take the test. Isn’t that silly? I mean, I know that IQ is just a number. It really makes no indication of what one might call “practical smarts,” know what I mean? More than anything though, my ego just didn’t want to take a beating.

That would have been the end of it, but the other day I saw my manager taking the test online. I wasn’t aware that they made it available online. In any case, he was pleased with his results. After seeing the test…I just couldn’t resist trying it out myself.

In the end of it all, nothing has changed–my results were what I expected them to be. It’s mildly disheartening that university seems to have done nothing to make me smarter. Hahah. :)

Of course…IQ is just a number, nothing more.

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Unexpected circumstances

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Sun. October 8, 2006

All week, I had a strong desire to tidy up my space, but never had the energy to put a lot of effort into getting it done. Such yearnings haven’t been that strong in ages, so when the weekend finally came I was a whole more excited than I really should have been. When I woke up, I got to work right away. By noon, the carpet was vacuumed and things were already looking better. In the middle of sorting my dirty laundry, the doorbell rang. I hadn’t combed my hair or brushed my teeth yet, so I was in rough shape to meet anyone. I figured though that it was just going to be some solicitor and that I’d easily brush them off. So, I went downstairs and answered the door. The person there was campaigning for the municipal elections. He handed me some pamphlets and encouraged me to vote for guy who’s the current incumbent. Outside, I could see a lot of activity as a team was seemingly trying to cover as much area in a short period of time.

After receiving the one pamphlet, I was handed another regarding a candidate for the region’s school trustee who was being endorsed by the incumbent. When he said the name, I had to get him to repeat it once more. You see, I recognized the name, not because I was following regional politics, but because I knew the candidate personally. I told the campaigner, “I know this guy…I used to go to school with him.” He replied, “oh really? He’s down the road right now.” So, he yelled over to the candidate and got him to come over. I stepped out and waved at him, and was kind of happy that he immediately recognized me.

Back in 2001, we were both still finishing the first year of the computer engineering program. It seemed that we both had a bit of trouble focusing on things and struggled for marks. He often gave me rides back into Toronto whenever I wanted to go home. After that term though, he decided that computer engineering wasn’t for him. He left Waterloo and took up computer science at the University of Toronto. I almost admire him for having the courage to know that a program wasn’t for him and changed tracks like he did.

As time passed, we’d lost most contact. Although at one point, he’d put me on an email list regarding a campaign he was running. I forgot what it was about, but I think he was running for a government position in a riding in downtown Toronto. I don’t think he won, but I’m sure he had gained a great deal of experience. To tell you the truth, I was a bit surprised to hear about someone from my class entering the arena of politics. It didn’t seem like an easy jump to make.

Well, time passed on, and he faded from memory. It’s almost freaky that our paths crossed in the manner that they did this past weekend. It’s a good example of meeting people from one’s past under completely unexpected circumstances. Interestingly, I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. I’m not sure whether this will all bring good luck as I’m revisiting some forgotten links in my social network. Though, more than anything, I’m just intrigued to find out what people have been doing with their lives after so long. It makes me wonder if there’s anyone out there wondering about me.

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