Category Archive: after grad

Dreaming of exam panic

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Mon. January 19, 2009

This past weekend I found myself in a bit of panic. This was all due to what seems to be a recurring dream for me. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it feels raw each and every time, making me feel quite uneasy. Upon waking I have to take a moment or two to regain my bearings and assess reality from make-believe. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Well, what’s the dream? It involves university and being on the brink of graduation. Usually, in the forefront of my mind there’s something nagging, telling me that I’ve missed the exam for some subject. It varies from dream to dream: French, Psychology 101, Sociology, English, etc. See, in the dream I apparently went to one or two classes of the subject but then decided that I didn’t need to go. I then totally ignored the class to the point where I forgot the scheduled exam. In some variations I’m in a panic over whether I’m actually still enrolled in the class. Sometimes I haven’t been to that class for so long that I was suddenly un-enrolled. Whatever the case, the result is that I suddenly don’t have enough credits to graduate–leaving me in a panic over how I’m going to make it up.

When I wake up from these dreams, my mind is often in overdrive trying to figure out when the exam for the course was supposed to be. Sometimes I have to second-guess what day of the week it is just in case I was dreaming that I missed it. Of course, THERE IS NO EXAM. After a few moments of figuring things out, I always realize that I have my freaking diploma, and that I’ve been out of school for a few years now.

Wow, so what the hell is with this dream? I think the obvious interpretation is a general fear of failure. Maybe these dreams come to me whenever I’m going through a particularly stressful time at work. During these periods there’s a definite need to perform. I guess I’m carrying that stress home with me. Why is it manifesting itself in the form of dreams of missing exams/skipping class? My academic career has had ups and downs. I’ve never gotten to the point though where I’d miss something outright from classes through exams. See, tuition cost too much to allow me to forget, know what I mean?

You know, for once, I’d like to have one of these academic dreams where I’m actually victorious. I can joke about not being the ideal university student. Why? I’m not. Period. However, I worked hard when it mattered. In the end I got the job done. What more is there? Why can’t my subconscious celebrate that achievement for once?

*grumble*

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The journey through the wilderness

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Fri. December 12, 2008

It’s often difficult seeing friends going through similar difficulties that I’ve gone through in terms of finding employment after graduation, and generally establishing a base for life in the adult world. After years upon years of being sheltered by academic life, being thrust into this new realm is tough. I can see a lot of the same raw emotions in my friends that I remember having to deal with:

  • The exhilaration of being free and on the brink of something exciting
  • Apathy mixed with fear with regards to finding a job
  • Feeling the sudden panic with the realization that finding a job is necessary
  • General sentiments of inadequacy when the job hunt is more difficult than expected
  • Worrying when employment doesn’t match what’s considered the “dream job”

All of these emotions are especially powerful at this time because there’s a relative lack of mental stimulation to keep the mind preoccupied. It’s tough to deal with, but at this point I believe that these steps are necessary in order to gain a greater appreciation for the transition as a whole. I mean, this is one of those gateway periods, you know? You step over the threshold and suddenly you’re forever changed.

I’m not saying that I now have my life all figured out, after all, it hasn’t been that long since my own graduation. I can safely say though that after all of this my perspective has widened. Through university it was easy to have narrowed vision; all you needed to do was look as far enough as the next exam or project. As clichéd as it sounds, there are so many opportunities now available.

So when I see my friends going through these testing times, all I can do is remain encouraging with the hopes that they too will find bits of wisdom from this journey through the wilderness.

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Past scholarly life

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Mon. September 1, 2008

School is starting again tomorrow for many people across the country. I’ll admit that I’m still finding it a little bit strange to not be included in that grouping. As the years pass by, I’m becoming more and more removed from my scholarly life. I’m not saying that I miss it, but it makes me pause to think that something that I’ve spent almost two decades at is slowly morphing into a “past life.”

So, all this time since graduating is part of the act of shedding old skins and redefining myself. I’m active. I’m working. I’m generally all right with the way things are going.

Why the heck am I analyzing all of this now (again)? Well, one of my old classmates recently attended the wedding reception of another classmate. He told me all about it yesterday. Just due to the nature of things, he ended up running into a lot of people from our old class. Some were raving that they’d found their ideal jobs, living it up in various places in the States. Others were in med school or law school, obviously aspiring to be something greater. Now, as my friend was telling about these encounters, I could imagine exactly how he was feeling. We’re in similar situations: we have average jobs here in the big city, and are content to just be in the workforce. I suppose we could be doing better for ourselves, but…does it really matter?

That’s the question, isn’t it? Does it really matter that I’m not in med school, or going to a dream job, or changing the world on some vast level? If I can live with what I’m doing and not feel terrible angst about it all, then I must be doing something right. That’s not to say that I’m not aiming high for myself. Of course I am. I have goals and aspirations as much as the next guy. What’s the difference then?

To be honest, I still haven’t figured that one out yet. I think…I have found enough to keep me stable and grounded for the next little while, and it’s from this foundation that I can build on my sense of self. I know that everything will be OK.

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Bitter alumnus

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Fri. January 4, 2008

Every now and then I get emails regarding alumni events which sound mildly interesting. Now, I’m sure they provide great opportunities to socialize with some people whom I haven’t seen in a while. However, simmering beneath all the good will is the fact that these events are also ways for the faculty to raise funds. Knowing that sort of triggers some cynicism from deep within. I have no intention of handing over more money to them.

I don’t want to say I’m bitter toward my school, however…all evidence seems to point to that, doesn’t it? I keep wondering if it’s a departmental thing. I mean, it almost seems like the Comp Eng people are generally quite bitter about their experiences. I could be wrong, after all, I was mostly surrounded by like-minded individuals and we were all quite angry people. However, when I speak with students from the other departments like the Civil Eng people, they speak of their profs and departments in such glowing terms. That’s one reason I don’t want to blame the university as a whole–I know it’s capable of generating satisfied graduates.

So what happened?

I don’t intend on sending more money their way if I can help it unless it’s for some reason from which I’ll personally benefit. Later on though, if my kids feel that that particular school, faculty and department is where they want to study, then I’ll have no problem helping them out.

See, I’m not all bad.

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Marked for deletion

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Wed. November 14, 2007

So, I got an email today stating that my university email address and server accounts are marked to be deleted in a month’s time. Wow. I guess it really drives home the point that undergrad is totally over and this rite of cleansing is sort of like the final nail in the coffin. It’s not like I even use that email address anymore, but really I’m sort of sad to see it go. That ID was part of my identity for six years. Sure, the ID lives on in an alumni email address but it’s just not the same, know what I mean? Well, with that severed, I can put that chapter to a close. Seven years have passed since the beginning! Done done done.

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Get your propaganda here

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Fri. May 4, 2007

The other day, a glossy booklet from the university came in the mail. It was basically an annual report keeping the alumni up to date about the goings on in the faculty of engineering. I only leafed through the thing, but as I did, I could hear this creepy voice in the back of my head. Echoes of my grade ten art teacher were sounding through my head. In one of his classes, he was instructed to hand out a letter coming from the school board. As he handed it out, he waved the pile around saying: “Propaganda! Get your propaganda here!”

As the phrase lingered in my mind, I lost any desire to actually read the contents of the report.

Uhhh-huh.

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