citizen of the planet

I have today and tomorrow off, but if I have to wake up tomorrow at 7 a.m. in order to do some server maintenance, is it really a vacation after all?

That’s it.  I’m charging double.

There really is something a little messed up with having to do your job and talk about aspects of it that don’t apply to you because of the imminence of the end of your employment.

“Oh, but we don’t have to worry about that because we won’t be here.”

Seriously?  What the hell?  That really plays havoc with your mind because it really underlines the idea that you are expendable.  Granted, that’s true of any job at any company.  I mean, it can be assumed that things will continue and that it will be business as usual even if you’re no longer a contributor.  Still, when you have a countdown doom clock looming over your head it’s very hard to keep your morale up.

For me, most days it’s easy to deal with because I know that I have to remain professional and continue to provide the levels of service that are expected of me.  On some days it’s a lot more difficult.  It’s like we’re happily helping the executioner go shopping for an axe.

What kind of messed up situation is this???

On these tougher days I need to remind myself that it’s just a job, and that it’s just business.  It’s the way things go, and it’s not personal in the least.  It’s not a commentary either on the quality of work that I’ve produced.  I know, they know, everyone that knows me knows that I care about my work.  So, I can take comfort (perhaps) in knowing that it’s not because of anything I did.  To everything there is a start and an end.  Still, having that knowledge isn’t helping my mood in any way.

Today I was fortunate enough to have the client compliment me and tell me that I’ve been on top of my game lately.  How nice, right?  Thing is, in my mind, I haven’t done anything different outside of my usual effort levels.  Nope, nope, nope.  So what’s so different these days?  Well, without as many people on the team to help out, a lot of the responsibilities lie directly on my shoulders.  There just aren’t that many people there now to spread out the work such that the load is sensible.  A while ago there were enough layers of separation allowing me to focus on doing my thing while maintaining a low visibility.  Now, I’m on the front lines fighting the good fight.  This late in the game, it seems like this is the time for me to shine.  Question is, do I want to burn that brightly?  Don’t I need to save some energy in reserve for those special times?  I think, given the fact that time is ticking down to my impending doom, I might as well just go for it when it makes sense.

You can’t accuse me of not working hard enough.

Nope, nope, nope.

When the team was larger, thing were a little bit more tolerable because at least the workload was more spread out.  Now, as our numbers are dwindling it’s just becoming more and more difficult.  This is especially true on a day like today that involved a code release.  Handling an eleven hour work day, with a good number of those hours on my own, is just too much.

*sigh*