I had a bit of a shock this morning as I was preparing breakfast for myself. I was busy picking out some good raspberries from among a lot of grubby ones when I sneezed. The sneeze shook the windows and set off the house alarm. Loud sirens went off indicating that there was an intruder, when really all I was doing was actually expelling a micro-intruder, know what I mean? I ran to the keypad and shut the alarm off.

What the hell, man? Am I not allowed to sneeze in my own house? The alarm company called to check if everything was all right. We explained that all I did was sneeze. They just said that the windows are probably too sensitive. No shit. They said they were going to send someone over to fix it. That’s fantastic. I bloody well don’t need sounds going off every time I perform a bodily function. Imagine a world where if every time you take a piss the sound of a marimba plays in the background. What an existence that would be, eh? I’m sure it’d be interesting at first, but the novelty would wear off reeeeally quickly.