I’m not really sure why I’m writing about this event that probably took place 16 or 17 years ago. The memory suddenly popped up in my mind, and it’s sort of festering there. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I’m currently wearing braces. Who knows? So I’m going to write about it in the attempt of letting it go.

This actually took place way back in grade 3 or 4. It was recess and I was walking around the schoolyard alone as was kind of standard back then. I’d just moved to that school in grade 3 and fitting in wasn’t easy at all. I don’t know what it was but unlike my previous school I was a social outcast. Sure, I had a few friends, but I was often the butt of sneers or whatever it is that school children do. Maybe it’s just that I hadn’t gotten used to the idea of reeling in my intelligence to fit in, or that I was too serious for my age, or that I wasn’t dressing like the others. Well, whatever the case was that made me “weird”, walking around the yard alone was normal. It’s sort of sad when I think about it.

Anyway, back to the story. As I was wandering around, Tommy to class clown/irritant came up to me and said: “do you want to be really cool?” Well, how can you pass that up, eh? He said, “go up to Lena and call her a beaver!” I guess I thought it was innocuous–you know, harmless name-calling. Lena was a girl in my class that I didn’t really talk to. So, I spotted her on the bench over at the baseball diamond. She was flanked on either side by her friends. I casually walked over and did my duty.

“Beaver!”

I started walking away shortly after, but not before I heard one of her friends yell out in anger “go away, Jason!” I didn’t notice it before when I was approaching her, but after the fact I noticed that Lena was almost in tears. Her friends were actually there consoling her from some previous hurt. At the time I hadn’t drawn any connections and just moved on with life.

After school, we were all in the process of leaving the school grounds. There were a couple of classmates around as we left the playground area. As I was leaving the school to walk home, I overheard Lena speaking to her mother: “There! He’s one of them!” The mother asked which one, and she pointed in my general direction. I was still oblivious to any relevance to whatever had transpired earlier.

The next day, in French class, a teacher from another grade came storming in demanding apologies from several people. She told certain people to stand up. I think that included Tommy among others. I wasn’t actually told to stand up. I didn’t know what was going on. Then she started: “How dare you make fun of Lena! What gives you the right to make fun of her front teeth!” EH??? Finally, it dawned on me what that whole “beaver” business was all about. I felt horrible. One of the few that were singled out started protesting. He was saying that he never made fun of Lena. Outside of this incident I knew this guy to be very honest and polite, so I really believed that he wasn’t involved. Then I realized that the day before this guy was walking close by to me when I was leaving for home the day before. I guess when Lena pointed me out her mother thought it was the other guy. I gave a quick glance over to Lena, and she glanced back. She was really wanting to correct the teacher and point out that it was me. It’s just that the teacher was on such a tirade that she couldn’t really get a word in. She raised her hand and quietly tried to correct her: “but…!” There was no use though. The damage was done.

I never did apologize to her because I was fighting my own struggles back then as well. It’s probably all inconsequential now at this point in life. However, I sort of feel bad now thinking that I unwittingly became a part of the problem that was making my life difficult as well. It’s hard being different at that age. There’s a certain amount of cruelty that exists in that setting. The cruelty fades over time in more ways than one.

People mature. People heal. Some people don’t forget though–I’m one of them.