Tag Archive: Christmas

Jason’s 2010

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Fri. December 31, 2010

I actually started writing this post out a few days before tonight. There’s a lot to cover in a year and I wanted to make sure that I spent more than a bit of time getting my thoughts together. Yeah, without thinking about it too much, my first response is to call 2010 a banner year. Yes, there were hardships along the way, and a lot of hard work was needed just to continue moving forward. All the same, I wouldn’t take any of it back. There’s so much that I wouldn’t have even dreamt of in 2009. It was that kind of year.

This is a big post, so the remainder will come after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

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Wasted energy

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Sat. December 25, 2010

So, I was going to write about how this is probably the first Christmas holiday where I was really feeling the effects of being single, but thanks to the “Back then” widget I read a cryptic post that made me think: yeah I sure as hell know what that post was about. Anyway, I spent the holiday over at my parents’, and they’re still awesome, if not mildly wacky. Even though I had them and was socializing, I was feeling down for being a lone wolf. Now, I realize that I can’t continue to complain about it if I’m not doing anything to remedy the situation. And, I’m not. So if there’s anyone to blame, it’s entirely on me. For now, I just don’t have any patience for the process, or any confidence that I’m what someone’s looking for.

At this rate I suspect I’ll be feeling the same way next Christmas. Although…perhaps I can find my way into that sweet spot where I’m truly content just “being.” I am a strong self-sufficient independent guy. I refuse to let this point of weakness be a source of needless angst. It’s just wasted energy!

(Fuck that shit.)

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True escape?

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Fri. December 24, 2010

My condo is a disaster zone.

Escaping to the parents’ place for the holiday.

Oh…but is that really an escape?

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Business as usual

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Thu. December 23, 2010

After work I had about an hour and a half to burn through, so I spent my time wandering Queen St. W and poking around at the Eaton Centre. Being that it’s two days before Christmas, indeed the crowds were sizable. I didn’t get the sense of desperation or urgency that I figured might permeate the space. No, instead it felt like everyone was just going around doing business as usual. I popped into a couple of stores, but the lineups were far too long. I was content to just look around like and feel the energy of the crowd. Over at the Apple Store I took a good look at the iPod Nanos on display. Over at Sephora I sprayed a couple of men’s colognes on sticks, trying to figure out which I might want to buy for myself after the holiday. Yeah, more than anything I was basically there to people watch without gawking. Does that make me odd? In other scenarios I’d be perfectly happy just lounging around on my couch. Given a choice though, I think at this point in my life I’d be out walking around looking at stuff. It’s not that home is uncomfortable, but I’m basically on my own. Don’t get me wrong. I’m the type of person that needs to retreat and isolate myself in this sanctuary to recharge and re-centre myself. I think I just have a lot of energy to burn.

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Succumb to the spirit

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Wed. December 22, 2010

No, I’m not that much of a festive person; that much we’ve established, right? Honest to God though, there is always a point though where I can say that I’m ready. Usually it happens a week before at which point I just succumb to the holiday spirit. Anyway, today at work I was just chatting with a colleague over the fact that many people were leaving for their holiday vacations. If you recall, I’m hanging around work during this period. It struck me how I didn’t seem to feel so excited for this weekend. It hasn’t really clicked. Yeah, I’m going to be with family, and I’m going to end up eating a lot, but as far as I’m concerned there really isn’t a super amount of magic surrounding this time. Does that sound depressing? It shouldn’t.

If I take a moment to reflect, I’m actually more excited about the new year coming around. First of all, it kind of means a return to normalcy and routine. Plus, everyone else around me will be well-rested and energized to tackle what needs to be tackled. That’s an exciting time. Plus, there’s that sense of rushing forward with a new sense of purpose. That’s what drives me. Christmas is really an inwardly focused time of year. We tend to get all domestic and family-oriented. In some odd way, in my mind it’s kind of a period of separation. I want to get to collaboration.

Anyway, despite all of this, I’m going to do my best to enjoy. I mean, I’m not a total killjoy. Just know that I’m thinking steps ahead of the game.

*nod*

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Oh, it’s that guy

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Fri. December 10, 2010

Aaaaaaargh! Why do I do this to myself?

OK, fine, so no real harm came from me attending a holiday party, but I still acted in typical style. Actually I wasn’t intending on being in attendance at the theatre company’s holiday party. I had already RSVP’d a no to the organizers. So why was I out? Well, earlier that night I went to the theatre to support two of my former classmates who were playing in the weekly student show. They did fairly well. We all hung out with other people in the cast at a restaurant around the corner. After eating far too much I was urged by the others to join them at the holiday party. I really didn’t have any reason to refuse so off we went.

Listen, I’m always labelling myself as the outgoing introvert. I don’t mind hanging out with people. Still, large dense crowd situations make me feel uneasy. I’m not talking about breaking into hives or anything of that sort, but psychologically I just feel like I need to bail. I stopped myself though and said that I intended to smile and look happy. The tiny Irish pub was entirely packed. It was insanity. I kept scanning the crowd for people that I could relate to, but no, the people in attendance at the party were all the types who’d been doing things for years. There was a whole lot of that guy/girl from that thing. I mean, I recognized a lot of faces there, but I never really talked to any of them before. Oh, and I wasn’t going to start then. I did try working the crowd. I smiled as I waded through the crowd, from one end of the place to the other. Without a single sympathetic soul there (except for the people I came with) I decided to just bail. So I got my bag and left.

Outside there was the fascinating Irish guy who seemed to be my age smoking a cigarette and basically gently berating me for leaving so early on a Friday night. I caved in to a little light banter and at least I got a smile out of him. He was right though. Shame on me. I should have tried harder to fulfill be social duties. Still, I did get a little bit of face time in there. I’m sure there are other people who might see me and think “oh…it’s that guy.” Give me smaller gatherings any time.

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Starting things earlier every year

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Mon. November 22, 2010

Was in the Tim Hortons by work and I heard a Christmas tune being played on one of the local radio stations. Faaaaaar too soon. I’m switching my alarm clock from the radio to my iPod. I’m generally not the festive type, but I can still deal with holiday music when the timing is right. Still: November? UGH.

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Into the magic

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Sun. December 20, 2009

That’s it! I think it’s now sufficiently late enough in December such that I can allow myself to get into the Christmas spirit. It’s not like I was really making an effort to block myself from taking in all of the seasonal sentiments, but it seems that every year now it’s become (sometimes, painfully) obvious that I’m just not all thaaaaat into the magic. Don’t misunderstand: I still enjoy this time of year. The weather is nice and cold, and I’m still at a point where I’m not suffering from snow fatigue. There are often numerous get togethers and eating events that allow me a chance to flex my culinary muscle. In general things feel like they’re winding down and everyone’s optimistically waiting for the promises of the new year. Still, in terms of season spirit…it just doesn’t feel traditional. I can’t relate to those Christmas movies I see on TV; to me, they’re mostly just treacle, you know? I suppose Christmas for me then is more about family. It’s really special when we have out of town visitors over. However, most of the time it’s just me and my parents. In the end then, how is that any different from any other time I’m visiting them? I guess there’s going to be a lot more food, but that’s not terribly special, right?

I just don’t know how to describe what I feel about this season. The radio station that I normally wake up to switched to an all-Christmas format in late November. It felt way too soon, so I switched stations for a while. I went back a few days ago knowing that Christmas is around the corner. If I’m being honest, part of it feels like it’s out of obligation. I don’t have a Christmas tree up in my condo. I was considering it at one point, but from a practical perspective it just takes up space and will be hard to put away.

Man, I feel like all I’m doing is complaining about things, but again, it’s not about outright hating it. I think when it comes down to it it just doesn’t feel “personally”special. I see the importance of it in society, and with the family, but for myself it just makes me feel empty. It shouldn’t be this way, really, but…that’s how it is. Well, in these last few days before Christmas I am going to actually make an effort…or at least I’m going to a show of it. I don’t want to be the one to bring down the people around me. Maybe if I keep faking it, it’ll actually stick. Still have time.

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