I don’t understand.
Where did my improvising confidence go?
I can’t seem to find it anymore.
It’s sort of making thing painful.
I don’t want to stop…but maybe an improv sabbatical would be a good thing?
Maaaaaaan.
Tag Archive: confidence
Eyes on me
Yeah, certainly, it’s quite possible that I could be imagining it.
Though…better fitting clothes do seem to make a difference.
Or is it more about how I carry myself?
It’s so damn weird. So foreign. What the hell?
Jason’s 2009
Just like I stated last year, at this time of year I have a tendency to avoid doing these run down type posts. I tend to do these on my birthday, and usually it’s enough. Thing is, I think for a year like this a little bit of navel-gazing is necessary. There’s a lot of talk about this year being a tough one. By and large, yes, it was tough. With all of the doom and gloom, it can be easy for me to sink into a dark place. There are, however, enough reasons for me to look up and forward. That’s why it’s important for me to see what I’ve gone through.
This is one heck of an entry, so I’m placing it after the jump.
Running log: 2009/10/11
Today was my first day back at the Running Room since my race two weeks ago. I know that I could have come back earlier, but I forced myself to have a rest. Actually, I’m not sure that “forced” is the right word, because it’s not like I didn’t enjoy my little bit of time away. God knows I could use the break. Being away makes me appreciate the sport all the more, right? Besides, with the Angus Glen Half Marathon coming on November 1 I figured that I should get some mileage in. Most of all, I wanted to do something to get my confidence back. It’s one thing to acknowledge that a race sucked due to conditions that weren’t due to ability. I think deep in my subconscious though I wouldn’t be satisfied until I had a good run. So, I went in wanting to do 21K. Yeah, I know…2 weeks of little to no activity then suddenly jumping in to do 21? It’s a lot! I’m not belittling the distance at all, but I figured that it I could manage one way or another. I’ve done it enough times to know my limits.
So, since there are no half marathon clinics going I thought that I’d be on my own. When I got there, indeed, I was the only one running 21. It’s not like I announced it, because I didn’t want anyone to come along. Everyone’s so much faster than me that I didn’t want to burden anyone, know what I mean? As we were filing out, I spotted two people from the half marathon clinic that just finished. It’s their final week before their big race this coming Sunday, so they were looking to do a shorter 10K tapering run. Knowing the route, I decided to tag along with them and split off at some point to do the rest of my mileage while they headed back. Great plan, really. Thing is, they’re naturally fast people! I actually made myself work a little bit harder to keep up with them. It wasn’t so bad, really. Since they were only doing 10K, they could put in the extra effort. In my case, I figured that one I’d let them go I could ease up a little bit. And once we split off that’s exactly what I did. My average pace dipped down, but I didn’t mind; I was just happy to be out there. I was feeling great throughout, but I admit to feeling a bit fatigued by 18-19K. On the really hilly parts I stopped for a moment or two on occasion to regroup. Overall, I finished the route in less time that my last race. I could say that it speaks volumes about how much I’ve improved. However, really it just outlines just how terrible that race really was. Oh well. In completing 21 kilometres, I accomplished what I had set out to do, and that was just the act of feeling better about myself. I can say that the mission was accomplished.
Chapter Twenty-six: and the gears keep turning
Heheh. Damn, I was looking at previous years’ entries, and trying to figure out the naming scheme. I wasn’t sure how old I was turning, leading to some confusion. How dorky is that? As it turns out, the magic number today is 26. I’m a little surprised–for more than a few moments I thought it was 27. Apparently I can’t add.
So, I named the entry “and the gears keep turning.” Seriously. That’s a good way to summarize the way the last year has been. I’ve been doing my duty, and life has been rewarding me in turn. At first glance, I might say that life really hasn’t changed all that much but, that’s not entirely true.
Let’s see.
I’m certainly more active that I was last year. I’m actually down 20 lbs. from this same period last year. It’s sort of freaky when I quantify it like that because the change has been really slow and gradual. So, it seems like there hasn’t been much change. I’m actually a few lbs off my interim goal. It’s kind of exciting. I’m looking forward to setting a new goal once this one is reached. In terms of activity, last year if you told me I’d be running races, I’d say you were mad. I’d probably be yelling: “Flat feet! Flat feet!” Don’t get me wrong, I’m still out of shape, however, the level of health is certainly headed in the right direction. It’s a work in progress.
Of course, there’s the condo thing; it was about time to move out. Amazingly, the push came from my father who really seemed to the most resistant to me moving. Life is full of surprises in that way. Maybe he finally saw the value and status associated with me having my own place and building equity. Anyway, I know that I won’t be moving in until I’m 27, but this building period is still exciting. The process of choosing options and upgrades is such that it triggers a sense of hope. That’s what this is: hope for the future, you know?
Career-wise, I’m finally getting settled into my role on the team. I know what I’m capable of and what my limits are. I’m finding my voice, and I’m very much willing to tell my manager what I’m feeling in terms of the job. The process of finding my voice has been so very beneficial to me. Over the past few days I’ve had numerous flashbacks to times when I should have been more vocal and not as passive as I was. Now, when I look back I kind of have to shake my head. What can you do, eh? It’s all a learning process. I wonder though whether things might change if I had a change to relive it all. Maybe? Doesn’t matter now, though. I don’t think I’ve hit a state of total confidence in my abilities and self-worth, but hey: baby steps!
Socially, I found that I’ve been reconnecting with people with whom I’ve lost contact. All this without Facebook. Hah! It’s really refreshing to have these people in my life once more. Seriously. It helps me realize that yeah, my past does matter. My past helped build the foundation of who I am today, and it just so happens that these people have laid some concrete to build that base.
Girlfriend? Eh…nope. Am I too idealistic or too independent? It was established that yes, I am…maybe. I’d be blessed to find someone that would love me and all of my neuroses, but meanwhile, I’m content as is.
So yeah, good or bad, life is what it is. All I can do is to keep doing my best in better or worse times because ultimately it’ll lead to a sort of freedom I probably can’t even comprehend right now. Sounds a little bit over-dramatic, but it’s the truth, no?
May this year bring me good fortunes in all parts of life.
Much love to everyone who’s read this far in. 
Lastly:
If today is your birthday:
This year will bring a pivotal moment when you realize a storm has passed. There’s been some damage, but you also feel tremendous relief. A benign sky is striving to rebuild and improve your life.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
The stars make it clear they want you feeling glad to be alive. You have much to accomplish before you find fulfilment and you have only just begun.
- Phil Booth
Running log: 2007/08/26
Last Wednesday, I was on my way to the RR from work when I was suddenly stopped 5-10 minutes away from the store by bumper to bumper traffic. I usually have my trip timed out nicely so that I arrive there a few minutes before the class, but the traffic was really throwing things off course. After 15 minutes of little to no progress, I thought I’d just bail. So, I missed that class.
By this morning, that meant it was 5 days since I last ran. I figured that there would be some consequence to it, but I never imagined that running would be as tough as it was. We ran a 6K path, and I was struggling after the first 10 minutes. My legs felt like lead. I was far behind the others, and really fighting to keep moving. Seeing everyone so far ahead made me feel like crap psychologically. Thing is, the people that attended today were generally the people always in the front of the group. So, right at the beginning I knew that today would be a rough one. The started off really fast, and I tried to keep up, but in the end the pace was just too much for me and I fell behind quickly. The group’s run leader kept an eye on me and came back to ask if I was alright. I told him that I was hurting but I could keep going. I had no choice, I guess.
Yeah, every runner has these days–I just seem to have them really often. I doubt myself continuously when I run.
Why am I so slow?
Why do I bother if I can’t be competitive?
Why am I just so bad at it?
Well, despite that, I keep at it because I really am still quite amazed that I’m even able to do something like 6K. There’s a genuine good feeling that comes out of completing the run. It’s an odd balance of good and bad. Being that that’s true, it’s no wonder that it fits into my life like it does–I seem to be all about various dichotomies.
Whole lot of nonsense
I was scheduled to meet a friend yesterday for sushi, but she had to pull out at the last minute because she came down with a fever. It was rescheduled to today, but at around midnight last night she called again sounding really clogged up and drippy. She was in no condition to go out, so she cancelled on me.
Now, as much as I’m understanding about her situation, I’m also kind of frustrated right now. I went into this weekend anticipating a bit of socialization, but in the end I got nothing. Don’t you hate that feeling? So, anyway, that left me at home with a whole lot of free time, and nothing to do but think.
Ew. Thinking. Such a dangerous thing! I’m not talking about the intellectual type of considerations, but rather the self-analyzing navel-gazing that can so easily go into the shitter if you’re not careful. Unfortunately, I think that’s what happened today for me. Against all of my rational thinking, I went into some sort of breakdown mode where all I wanted to do was lie in bed and think about how life could be so much better. I was inflicting this mood on my family. I think my mom could sense that no good was coming from this emo-state and she was having none of it. “If you’re planning on be miserable, you’re only bringing it upon yourself.”
True. God bless her.
Still, it wasn’t enough to knock me to my senses. As I lay in bed in the afternoon, I made a mental list of all the reasons why Jason sucks. I wanted to inflict as much hurt as I could. Thing is, in the back of my mind, I knew that this was all plain bullshit. My rational self was poking fun at my insecure self almost like some horrid bully would. It was pretty strange, and really not all that good for the soul. So, I slept. When I woke up a couple of hours later, I was feeling a little bit relieved, and really feeling that I’d just gone through a lot of nonsense.
So here I am, probably not any stronger, and holding self-doubt, but with the knowledge that life is what it is. I’ve got stuff going for me whether I want to acknowledge it or not. All I need to do is play off of those strengths. Still, is it enough?
Past the emotional insecurities
There have been quite a few times over the past week or two where I’ve sat in front of my laptop here, wanting to blog something deep and profound. It’s been a long time since I’ve done a navel-gazing introspective entry. However, as I sat hoping for the words to come to me, I kept drawing blanks. Frankly, I would have written about my running experiences some more but I seem to be doing that all too much.
What is this? It almost seems like a state of equilibrium. If I wanted to, I could pick out a while list of things that are missing in my life right now. At the same time, I know that there are a large amount of positives to balance things out. I have a great job downtown. I purchased a condo which is now being built. I’m successfully making attempts to stay healthy. I’m spending a lot of time with loved ones. I have solid friends that I can count on. How can I not be at ease, you know?
I was chatting with someone during a lull at work about this mental state. He commented that we were now past the emotional insecurities of the mid-twenties (damn, he used other, better words, but I can’t remember them). Is that true? 30 is around the corner, which will probably lead to a whole other crisis of some sort. As far as I’m concerned, I’m still prime for experiencing the aforementioned insecurities. Honestly though, I’m finding that it’s all mattering less and less; I have my life, and all I can do is live it as best I can.
I have to admit though, I worry now that this attitude is transitory. I mean, if it is, I’ll be back into my old ruts after a month or so. I have some confidence though that this is not the case. Why shouldn’t I have confidence? What’s there to gain by assuming that I’ll be wrong? Nothing!
Anyway, I sort of feel like I’m talking in circles right now. I need to think about this some more.
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