Tag Archive: death

Story of the heart

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Sat. November 14, 2009

Earlier today I went with a friend over to the Ontario Science Centre to take in the Body Worlds exhibit. If you recall, we tried to go there over three years ago but were pretty much rejected because we tried going on one of the last days of the exhibit and it was already sold out. This time though we planned ahead and got tickets earlier on. We made it in at 4:45 and started wandering around taking in the sights. Let me tell you, it’s really a fascinating exhibit. There were several prevalent feelings throughout my time there. The first was just an amazement about the whole exhibit. It wasn’t so much about seeing all of the internal components, but more about how the how the bodies were processed. The process of plastination just seems so difficult. When you see some of the items, it just makes you wonder how the heck they managed to produce it. For example, there were a couple of displays that showed off the networks of blood vessels in parts of the body. I can understand how they injected plastic into the system to get the shaped and all, but how the heck did they clear out all of the surrounding flesh afterwards without affecting the molded parts? Crazy! Having a sliced giraffe is just so odd that it’s fun.

Another feeling I had was one of wondering just how desensitized I seemed to be regarding the whole thing. I mean, there I am, surrounded by corpses of actual people. There were once living people with dreams and aspirations, and now there they were on display all flayed and dissected in the name of education. It’s pretty macabre. There were a couple of moments where I seemed to have been surrounded by med students. They were all talking about different visible structures and musculature. I can’t say I understood everything, but I was struck by how much more they seemed to have gotten from the whole thing. I mean, sure, there were displays in there that would have spoken to anyone without any real medical background. For example, there was something that had a healthy lung side by side with a smoker’s lung. The stark contrast between the healthy colour and the tar soaked lung is rather astonishing. For other things, I might not have been able to tell if there was any special significance to the way something was done. For the full models, the first few were jaw dropping, but after a while I admit that I started thinking that they were all pretty much similar. I mean, I know they aren’t, and that each tells a different story, but in the end it all kind of became a blur of flesh.

All in all, I found it great, but not something I really need to see again. When the exhibit shows something great, it’s really amazing. Otherwise, it’s…just all right. The shock value of it all really wears off quickly if that’s what you’re interested in. No matter what though, it really is informative. Would I recommend going to see it? Why not? I think anyone can benefit from having a look. Still, try not to make the exhibit something that it isn’t. It’s not a Halloween gore show; everything is rather tastefully done. This is a case where I can truly say, “it is what it is.” It’s up to you to decide exactly what “it” is.

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Texting can be deadly

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Tue. August 25, 2009

I’m going to give the condo related posts a rest today. It’s perhaps a little bit too bad because something big and bad happened today. I’ll save that for another day though; I need to vary the topic here now and then.

Instead, for tonight you get this video. It’s a CNN analysis of a British PSA warning people not to text and drive. What’s so special about such a PSA? Eh, well, it’s remarkable for its incredibly graphic nature. I mean, seriously, this is something that may leave a mark on your mind. After watching it, I had to just take a break because it was a bit much. I wasn’t emotional, but I was jittery.

I guess all I can say is: judge for yourself. You have been warned.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o54ikTsaLsE

And if that doesn’t convince you to not text and drive…well, I’m not sure what will.

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The act of grieving

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Fri. February 6, 2009

While I was on the train heading back to the parking lot, during that brief moment we’re out in the open on the Prince Edward Viaduct on the Bloor-Danforth line I received a call on my cell. Unfortunately there was no time to take the call because the train quickly ducked back underground as soon as it crossed the valley. When I got to the parking lot and the shelter of my car I returned the call. It was a friend of mine who was going through a rather difficult period. She had just experienced the sudden death of a colleague/friend. As could be imagined, everyone at her workplace was in shock. She herself was trying to make sense of it all but just needed someone to talk to. I did what I could to listen and allow her to let her emotions see the light of day (well, I suppose given the time of the call it would be the glow of the streetlights…but I digress). I spent an hour talking to her in the parking lot before I started making my way back home. I think I was helpful. In being helpful though, it’s bringing back memories of times when I’ve had to grieve myself.

I do remember having to deal with the death of my grandfather (my mother’s father) in 1997. He died on Christmas day that year at the ripe age of 90. It happened half a world away, but it hit hard here. I did grieve, but more than anything what sticks out as a memory was seeing my mother grieve. It was a tough period. I wasn’t sure how to act, or what to say, or what to do.

A few years ago I experienced the loss of an uncle. I guess according to North American family classification he’d be my cousin once-removed (my mother’s father’s sister’s son). His death came very suddenly in the form of a heart attack. I knew him somewhat, but not all that well. I remember playing chess with him when my parents and I still lived in an apartment in North York. The shock of it all didn’t hit me as hard as I now want it to have hit me. I just didn’t know enough about him, I guess.

More recently, the death of my grandmother (cousin twice-removed: my mother’s father’s sister). As I think about her now, I tear up at the memories of her because really they’re still fresh. I wrote back then that I remember her gripping my hand tightly with tears in her eyes because the last time she saw me I was still a teenager. Her hands were wrinkly and a little bit cold, but her fingernails were trimmed. I can still remember the feeling of her fingernails digging in as she held my hand. Just the thought of it is making me cry as I write this. It’s not my intention. Seriously. Frankly, I’m a little surprised that it’s affecting me like this.

Anyway, thinking about all of these events makes me think about how universal life and death themes are. As much as grieving is a personal process, it’s also one that everyone will go through. It’s entirely important to grieve. It’s only through this that we can find closure. I’m praying that my friend can find closure herself.

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Traffic signal: Trouble

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Mon. June 9, 2008

Today, as we were travelling around before and after dinner we experienced a lot of delays all along several of the train lines. The trains had layovers of several minutes at each stop and each time we waited the trains became more and more packed. When we looked up at the screens on the train, it gave a list of delays. There were four delays on four different lines. Each one listed “信号トラブル Accident.” That seems innocuous enough. However, “accident” is sort of a euphemism. It’s well known that “accident” generally means that someone jumped in front of a train. So, people committed suicide in front of four trains slowing down the systems, delaying thousands of commuters.

It’s kind of odd when I think about it. I don’t think anyone really pays attention to the individual in the sense that anyone really feels sorry for them. More of the focus is on how that person was rather inconsiderate in delaying others from getting home. Is that a bad thing? I dunno, it’s just what’s done around here, I guess. It’s kind of sad to know that these events are sort of regular occurrences. With 8 million people here, I guess it can’t be helped. Just part of life in the big city.

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Missed intentions

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Sun. March 2, 2008

Today at the end of the mass the priest took a moment to talk about an incident involving one of the other priests. As it went, a family of parishioners confronted the priest in an angry manner regarding the fact that the mass intention that they had requested was not announced during the Sunday mass. From the way the story was being told, it seemed like they were getting all up in the priest’s face. The joke was that it made that priest’s blood pressure go up mid-week. Now, while being confrontational like that is ugly behaviour, doing that to a priest is just bad. And while doing that to a priest is bad, doing that to a priest after receiving communion just minutes before is horrible.

I don’t know. From what I’ve observed in weekly mass, the intentions aren’t announced on weekends (at this parish). They never have been. So, just to make sure it was clear, the the priest today emphasized the fact that this was the case. Glad that’s settled.

When we were in the car, my father started venting about how the office should be more careful in making sure people know the deal. I wasn’t sure why he was indignant, but then it became clear that he was still frustrated that I was once included in the prayers for the deceased back in 2006. After all this time, he was still kind of miffed. And yes, after all of this time I still find the whole thing to be funny. I’m stiiiiiiill not dead. Whatever.

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Ex-pigeon

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Fri. September 14, 2007

Late last week, on the way to the station I spotted a dead pigeon lying in the gutter by the walkway. I thought that it might have fallen from the overpass above or suffered some sort of weird injury. It’s wings were folded up. The feet were bright in colour and pointed up toward the sky. The head was covered with some leafy debris, which is good because I’d find it more disturbing to see the body’s eyes.

I figured that the TTC would clean the body up pretty quickly. However, each day as I’d pass by, I’d see the body still lying there exposed to the elements. I haven’t really taken a closer look, but I think some scavenging animals have been at it because I’m starting to see bones in the chest area. Even so, as a whole the plumage is pretty much intact. There’s no mistaking that this is now an ex-pigeon.

A few days ago, there was a Tim Hortons coffee cup lying next to the body. I thought that was sort of a smart move. If there’s someone going around picking up litter on TTC property, surely they’ll also grab the cup. The next day, I saw that the cup was gone, but the bird was still lying there. Even though the body is sort of unsightly, I seem to have this fascination in terms of seeing nature’s progress on a daily basis. I kind of wish nature would work a little quicker on the corpse. Isn’t there a larger scavenging animal in the area that’s interested in a little bird meat?

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Sense of sanctity

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Fri. July 20, 2007

On Wednesday, I left work a bit early to get to the RR a little earlier than usual. I made it to the train station in good time and was at my car pretty quickly. As I headed north on Warden, I heard on the radio that the intersection of Lawrence and Warden was closed for some reason. By the time I heard it, I was already past Eglinton, so it was too late to really change my route. Indeed the intersection was closed, but it seemed like the reason must have been really bad. That’s because the area was closed within a one block radius. Traffic was really slow moving all around. It wasn’t until I got home after my run that I found out what it was all about.

Intersection a danger zone
Family, friends mourn truck crash victim
(Links may expire in two weeks time)

It’s really a sad story. I mean, it’s one of those wrong place, wrong time things, which is really just tragic.

The next day, Thursday, on my way home from work, I was kind of reluctant to pass by the intersection. In my mind, there was still something hanging over the area in terms of blocked energy. In the end though, curiosity won out and I drove by. I happened to come to a red light, so I ended up stopping. I looked around, and every person in every car that was stopped with me was looking off to the right to get a look at the damage.

Even though things had been cleaned up since the day before, it was sort of an eerie scene. I swear, everything to me seemed like it was moving in slow motion. At the corner, there were a couple of men standing around a few bouquets of flowers looking down solemnly. The windows of the store that the truck collided into where boarded up. It made me think of what people in Florida might do upon hearing of an approaching hurricane. There was this mother walking around the scene with her child. The child seemed to be so carefree, while the mother was more mindful of where they were.

At that time, it felt like there was a sense of sanctity about the place because of the freshness of it all. I could feel the heaviness in the air. It was so interesting to be part of that collective consciousness at that very moment. Even though we didn’t know who died, or who got hurt, we were all grieving silently in unison.

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Irreplaceable

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Wed. June 27, 2007

Yesterday was one of those days where I would have just been content to lie in bed and pretend that the events that had just occurred had never transpired. There was nothing frivolous about what happened–it was serious: a matter of life and death.

Late in the work day, my cell phone went off. I usually have it on vibrate, but this time I’d forgotten to turn the ringer off. So, amidst the silence of the office, the opening to “Back In Black” pierced people concentration. In a rush, pulled it out and saw that it was my father calling. I thought it was just another one of his calls to announce something like someone had called me from the bank, or similar. When I opened the phone, it turns out I’d missed the call by just nanoseconds. I thought nothing of it and was just going to call him soon after. However, he called again right away.

This was a sign that whatever the message was, it was urgent.

When I picked up, he seemed a bit frustrated with me that I wasn’t answering my phone. I was away from my desk temporarily earlier, so I must have missed those calls. He was speaking sort of quickly, and kind of incoherently. What he was saying was lacking context to me. None of it stuck up until I heard a phrase that kind of cut through the rest of the dialogue.

“Mom was in an accident.”

Holy hell. I tried to absorb it all, but none of it really hit home right away. He asked if I wanted to talk to her, and I agreed. I took it as a sign that she wasn’t hurt badly. When I heard her voice, I could sense her shock at what happened. When I hung up, I left work early to head home. When I arrived, the first question I asked was “where’s mom?” There she was sitting on the couch, still in her nursing scrubs, looking a bit vacant. I remembered back to my collision in 2001, how I was feeling pretty much the same way for a few days after. I knew exactly how she was feeling. It turns out that she was t-boned by another car as she was entering the intersection.

I don’t think the seriousness of it all really hit me for a while. I was sitting alone in my room in silence just thinking of what it must have been like inside the car at the time of impact. When I had the visual, I became scared. I was absorbing the level of fear that must have been there at the time. Imagining the physical jolt of the collision shook me mentally. It wasn’t a good thing. I honestly started crying at the thought that that might have been the end of her. I left my room, and went to sit down next to her. She had moved to her bedroom, lying in bed, probably trying to block it all out of her mind. I told her that I loved her. I told her that I was scared. She told me: “I really thought I was going to die.” This is where I really broke down, just thinking about it. Of course, she wasn’t dead–she was very much alive. I felt blessed to have her. I told her that I honestly didn’t know what I would do if I had lost her or dad before their time. Like I mentioned in a previous entry, I’m just not prepared to deal with their death right now. As a family unit, we’re a strong trio. I just can’t imagine it any other way. It pains me greatly to even think of that changing any time soon.

So anyway, mom is taking the next little while off work to get all the insurance worked out. The car is pretty much ruined and will need replacing. I think the big question that was on everyone’s mind yesterday was “now what?” Indeed. Now what? How will this affect our family? It all remains to be seen. Cars, money, physical things can all be replaced, but my mom…irreplaceable.

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