Just yesterday, I was in a long chat with Zi that really started with me asking him his opinion on how I’ve changed over the past little while. Since I’ve been writing these undergrad memories, I’ve really been unearthing a lot of things that otherwise probably wouldn’t have seen the sunlight again. I was questioning whether it was really a wise idea to be digging up these corpses. I’ll be honest right now and say that I don’t know. I mean, at this point (Winter 2002) I haven’t really hit the heavy stuff. I’m not sure a lot of it is worth bringing up at all, because some of it may have me questioning old motives and states of mind to the point where I may think of myself as being a generally messed up.

Not that I’m relying on him to figure out my state of emotions, but he did make me feel like “messed up” is a bit too strong for my case.

Anyway, I guess I’ll continue to forge my way through and write another long one. I’m sitting in my comfy chair, I’ve got a big mug of pear tea, and I’ve got Bj�rk going to get my in a pensive reflective mood. I think I’m set.

**Winter 2002**
I was just glad to not be away from what I once deemed to be my only social network. I can’t honestly say that I remember otherwise, because I was just so focused on those few people. I was afraid of losing them. Why? I don’t know. I had links to them, because we all came from the same highschool. Although, I never really did hang around with them a whole lot back then, so. You know. I guess I was just still uncomfortable with being away.

Anyway, through Y, we had found a nice townhouse not far from campus. On S’s birthday in November before the Winter term, we gathered in Y’s house to play Mahjong for a little while. I had bought a cake for S, so we used the time to socialize, and generally talk about housing. This was a long way out for me. Brampton is nowhere near North York. Anyway, we got to a point where we drew for rooms to see who would get what because they were all different sizes. There were three rooms upstairs, and the big old basement which wasn’t quite underground, so the one who got that room still got enough sunlight. It just so happened that I got first choice. I chose the basement. (Based on my personality, are you surprised at all?) M got the big room upstairs, Y got the medium room, S got the small room. Prices were adjusted based on the room sizes.

When we moved in, things were nice. Despite the fact that I had absolutely no furniture in the basement, I got by. Wait, that’s not true…I had a couch. I bought an inflatable bed and that was fine. There was also no closet, so I had to buy what was affectionately called the “pseudo-closet”. Honestly, it was kind of ghetto, but it was my own private ghetto.

I hadn’t lived with the girls before so I didn’t know what to expect. After a little while, the first thing that became an issue was that Marie’s BF was there all day, everyday. To be honest, I wasn’t used to the concept of someone technically not living in the house, you know, living in the house. I don’t think the other three of us were sure about him living there either. The three of us went for a walk just to talk about how we weren’t sure how to deal with it. One day, with M alone in the living room, she and I had a little chat. Now, I’m an honest fellow, and I think I sometimes come off as being blunt. I’m sure that’s how I seemed with her that time. I told her our concerns. She also gave me feedback that her boyfriend wasn’t feeling all too welcome with me saying things like “Oh, you’re still here?” Heh. To be honest, I wasn’t trying to be snippy or anything. Although, I realize now that I came off that way. Again, I was honestly surprised to see him there all the time, especially when he had his own place, you know?

Sigh. The private conversation was a really bad idea. The whole thing came to a head that night. There was a big fight between Y and M, and some really bad bitchy things were said that made both parties cry, then Y’s boyfriend got involved, then S and I got involved…it was all just very very WRONG. There was already some not so good feelings between the two boyfriends, but this incident got worse. It was all just so bad that I tried to escape to my basement abode. I eventually got called on it for being a bit of a pussy for not being in the fray and not dealing with the issue, so I came back. It was BAD. Tensions were high in the household for a few days. I rued the fact that this new living situation was supposed to be a new beginning where good things would happen. It just didn’t seem that way. I think this rough start set the tone in a very low level way that I never was able to change as long as we all lived together.

Things got more livable though as time passed. They still had their projects together while I was often alone. We still went out as a house now and then, but more often than not I was just there. I cooked often back then, and the volume of stuff that I cooked was frequently large. I think it was an attempt to socialize by tempting them all to come eat with me. It worked sometimes. Others…well, I felt a bit lonely when there was no one to share my hard work with.

I do believe that this term was also the first time my relationship with S started to go into weird territory. Looking back, we had very different personalities. I was a lot more open and often wore my emotions on my sleeve. He was more reserved. I had no problem telling people that I cared about them, or that I loved them and valued their friendship. My big problem back then seemed to be that I all to often placed that same expectation on other people. When they didn’t reciprocate, I felt bad. I think that’s what started happening with him. I told him a lot about how I valued his friendship. I think it was all so very awkward for him. I suppose I don’t blame him for thinking so. I can go into some examples where he simply *had* to assert his masculinity to deal with awkwardness, but I won’t because that would be inappropriate. Whenever I joked about him surfing for porn on his spare time, he got mad at me. I joked about other personal business type things and it just made him madder. Perhaps it was my way of getting his attention or getting a reaction. I dunno. It was all so long ago, you know? Anyway, I think this all started a cycle of resentment that snowballed as time went on. I suppose it will all become clearer as I type about subsequent terms, but for now let’s say that things started getting uncomfortable.

School was a bit of an eye-opener. I was a bit apprehensive about returning. What would people think? It mattered, I guess. The first class was in the computer tutorial lab. I looked around and didn’t really see anyone familiar. Then again, most people were sitting at the stations so it was hard to see everyone around. Soon, the matronly instructor was doing her thing, and eventually got to a point where she was mentioning that there were a lot of people joining that class from the upper year. There was some murmuring over that from the new class. During that moment I suddenly felt like it was all a joke and was generally jovial and laughing at it all. People were looking over at the unfamiliar guy, surmising that I was one of the flunkies. I don’t think I cared. In Calculus class, during a tutorial, it was easier to see just who came with me. I remember there were a good handful. When we saw our old prof from the previous term, we all cheered “Prof. Zoran! HEY!” I don’t think he knew how to react. I’d imagine he would have been happy to see us under other circumstances, know what I mean? I got to know some of those that came with me. It’s kind of interesting how I probably would not have gotten to know any of them if we had continued on with our old class. However, they were, and still are very wonderful people.

One of the first people I got to know was Duong. After class he invited me to go eat at a Viet restaurant in the plaza next to school. I’d never had Vietnamese food. I’m very glad he introduced me to that. Man, looking back, and thinking about how I felt back then, I must have been like a total social newbie. Something as simple as chatting over big bowls of beef rice noodle soup was really very novel, and quite thrilling. Perhaps it was just the fact of meeting new people and forging connections when I feared that I wouldn’t make any new ones. It was a big relief. Soon, I got to know more people in my boat. If I remember correctly, this is where I first met Keith. I really don’t remember the circumstances, but I do know we did some labs together in the computer labs.

We (being the people from the old class who joined this new class), collectively but jokingly, labelled ourselves “Abort, Retry, Fail”, or ARF. We really formed a mini community within a community. The new class was had a very different feel from the old one. It’s really true that groups have collective personalities. I can’t really describe the difference between the old class and the new class, because I honestly can’t remember. Perhaps it’s just that this new class was kind of whiny. They got away with a lot of easier courses and such, mostly because there was often much complaining. Hell if I know how they managed to do it, but they did. I suppose in the end it helped me out a little bit. Of course, I can’t use that as the only reason I made it through that time. I actually made it to class pretty often that time around. I was in fear of screwing up completely and being kicked out. Learning things over again would have been really easy, if it were not for the fact that I had missed way too many classes before. Funny how that works. I was very relieved to see that I had passed the term. I felt like I finally realized just how tough things could get if I didn’t work hard enough. It’s a good lesson to learn.

I think that’s all I care to talk about with regards to Winter 2002. I may add more later on, but I think that’s it for now.