Tag Archive: frustration

Pre-determined stances

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Sat. January 28, 2012

Ehhhh, well this week has had its share of rough patches. I’ve been having a tough time with work lately. I’m on a project with an imminent deadline that seemed impossible to meet. I stayed late on Thursday to try to catch up only to get blocked for unknown reasons. Apparently, I had been given an example to work from that was faulty in the first place. Wonderful! On Friday I was rather frustrated at myself during CrossFit. I was having a fair bit of trouble keeping good form on a certain move and as a result coach prevented me from going further that day. I knew I could do better. I was just not performing. So yeah, perhaps my last Facebook posts have been a bit gloomy.

I suppose I could focus on all of the negatives but there have been plenty of good things as well. I’ve managed to be rather social this week. Right after Friday’s workout I went home, changed, then headed downtown to hang out with friends for someone’s birthday. Today I started another improv class which acts as an assessment of sorts to see where we might fit in in terms of future performance opportunities. I have good vibes about this class. Right after I went home then drove up to Markham for a get together with some running friends. I swear, I’m everywhere.

Anyway, I guess the purpose of me writing all of this is just to have a self-reminder that the quality of our weeks depends on what pre-determined stance we take when we view things. Know what I mean? I suppose this means that I need to encourage positivity. I suppose that’s a possibility, no?

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Acknowledge and deal

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Fri. August 12, 2011

Had a gig on Thursday. It…was different. Energy level from the audience was a bit different from the last time we played that location. Our set was different in that we had to do two because we wanted to see what it’d be like just doing things ourselves. It was our first time trying to play on a Thursday; we weren’t sure how the day of the week would affect things. Overall, as a group I think it was an OK show. There are definitely things we need to tweak. On a personal level, I don’t think I did the greatest job. For whatever reason my mind wasn’t all there. I had trouble with a few games. In one game I had to act as a clue-giver of sorts, but mid-game I totally forgot what the key word was. Bad! There was another game where I totally forgot to include our group’s shtick. To be fair to myself, everyone else on my team forgot as well. Anyway, my group was telling my that it humanized me and made it enjoyable, but…I still feel I metaphorically shit the bed. Ever since then I’ve been slightly mopey. I kind of want to crawl into a hole and disappear for a while. Of course, that’s not an option. At this point, I’ve decided not to brush these feelings aside. They’re valuable. Still, the key is to not let the feelings stick around. I need to acknowledge and deal. Life doesn’t always go the way you want it to, right? That doesn’t mean that you should give up.

Still…

falkfhdskjfhkdlshfkljhsdflkld.

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If the gut says

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Mon. June 6, 2011

Yeeeeeeah…

If the gut says that it’s not a good idea, it’s not a good idea.
(Regardless of whether the outcome is good or bad.)

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Not the reputation I want

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Sat. March 5, 2011

If I’m being honest with myself, I really shouldn’t have gone to a get together with a bunch of colleagues from my (now) previous workplace. It’s not that I dislike them, but I think being around some of the conversations that took place has put me in a bit of a funk. I’m currently in a particularly tough headspace right now. For example, I got into a conversation with my successor who took over one of my more mindless daily tasks. It seems that he’s already made huge progress and process improvements to the thing. I spoke to some other people who were jokingly raving about the improvements and how it’s better than when I was doing it. Well, I suppose I don’t doubt it. The new guy is good at what he does. The only thing is it serves to underline just how useless I was at that job. I knew it, which may be why I was already sort of checking out mentally. It’s bad. I’m generally someone that gives full attention to work–especially if it’s something I enjoy. So I’m particularly sore at the fact that I was just a lump. It’s not the kind of reputation I want.

I guess it doesn’t matter any more. A new chapter is starting shortly. I will shed the past and start anew. I was musing to myself earlier today about what it would be like to burn everything in my life to the ground, moving somewhere else, and starting fresh. All in all, perhaps starting a new job is just like that. I’m effectively addressing that need for destruction. All that’s left is to address the need for self-destruction. Still figuring that one out.

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Here’s to no drama

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Fri. February 11, 2011

A little earlier this evening my mom gave me a call. She asked how I was doing and I said I was fine. She then asked whether I had news of any sort. It’s not so much that she was fishing for something specific, but more of a simple general question. I sighed loudly and told her that I didn’t have anything new. I said that I live a quiet life. Kind of non-plussed we left the conversation at that. It got me thinking at how I’ve been living what I’d call a low key life. And that got me thinking even more…can even say that that’s true? Between coaching, improv, and the job change I’ve got a lot going on. Spike that with random social outings and things aren’t that boring. Thursday night I hung out with colleagues at happy hour. This was followed by going to a random poetry slam in Kensington Market. Earlier I was about to call it a night before a friend posted on Twitter asking if anyone wanted to head out for a beer and some spinach dip. On a whim I said I’d head out. So I got up from under my warm duvet and headed for a restaurant.

So no, life is not that boring at all. I wasn’t sure how to categorize any of it or phrase what my issue is until I got a tweet from a friend:

@jnery You know the Chinese Curse - May you live in interesting times. Your life has lotsa fun activities but no drama-rama. Is that so bad?
Fri. February 11, 2011 11:05 pm via Twitter for BlackBerry®ReplyRetweetFavorite
@MagdalenaBB
Magdalena B

Well there you go. I think the fact that there’s a lack of drama is a blessing. I can live my life without fretting about things out of my control. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and continue to work my ass off. Sounds good.

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Show must go on

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Tue. February 1, 2011

Well, this would make the third time that one particular guest speaker has had to bail on my group. Yes, it’s frustrating, but all the same I’m not as angry as I thought I would be. The first two cancellations were health related while this third one was related to the snowstorm. Due to a good review I kept on rescheduling her, trying to get her to fit into the schedule. At this point I just can’t do it anymore. I actually got the email saying that she couldn’t come in 15 minutes before my clinic started. We ended up doing an open forum.

I wonder if this is a sign of maturation, or a sign that I really have things under control. I think the old me would have freaked out or been nervous. It’s too bad, at this point it looks like that guest speaker won’t get invited back by anyone. Such is life. Show must go on.

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Jason’s 2010

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Fri. December 31, 2010

I actually started writing this post out a few days before tonight. There’s a lot to cover in a year and I wanted to make sure that I spent more than a bit of time getting my thoughts together. Yeah, without thinking about it too much, my first response is to call 2010 a banner year. Yes, there were hardships along the way, and a lot of hard work was needed just to continue moving forward. All the same, I wouldn’t take any of it back. There’s so much that I wouldn’t have even dreamt of in 2009. It was that kind of year.

This is a big post, so the remainder will come after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

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Like kicking a puppy

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Thu. December 9, 2010

Similar to yesterday…

There’s no reason doing an improv show should make me feel so drained and awful like I had just kicked a puppy. So since that’s the case, it’s time for me to step back a moment and assess the situation.

Something needs to change.

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