citizen of the planet

It had a bit of a rough start today.  The night before I had set the alarm to allow me enough time to get my business together prior to this morning’s run.  The alarm went off at 6:30 beeping at me like it was going out of style.  I thought I’d set the alarm to play the radio instead of the bell, so in irritation I just switched the thing off.  Unfortunately, I fell right back asleep.  An hour later I looked at the clock and realized I only had half an hour left to get ready.  Bah!

So, prior to heading to the store I wanted to print out mini-route summaries for the people in my clinic.  Even though I tell people to memorize the route, the little slips of paper with directions acts as a good reminder.  Well, for whatever reason my printer just wasn’t taking any print requests.  I spent precious minutes unplugging and plugging the thing back in.  I eventually just gave up.  Instead, I took a post it note and drew the route with a stubby Ikea pencil.  Kind of ghetto, but I figured that it will get the job done.

In terms of food, I was planning on downing a bowl of Mini Wheats to get the carbs in, but I was running low on time.  I ended up putting two pieces of whole wheat toast in the toaster to cook while I continued to run around getting things done.  Luckily, I knew where my watches were.  It’s too bad though that I spent a few minutes wondering where the hell my wallet was.  Eventually I realized that I had already stuffed it into my jacket.  Smart.

So, I filled up my water bottle with hot water, picked up my toast, and started heading to the garage a few minutes behind schedule.  I locked up the door, and hit the elevator button.  To my horror, the button wasn’t working.  Instead of waiting around to see if the elevator would come, I just headed straight for the stairs and ran down like a mad man.  As soon as I got to the garage, I realized that I had forgotten my gloves.  For a moment I wasn’t sure what to do.  The weather reports were telling me that it wouldn’t be as bad as the week before, but would I be able to tolerate a full run without coverage?  In the end, I decided to go without because it would take way too much time to run all the way back up to my place and then run all the way back down.  It’s a good thing too, because I had about 20 minutes to cover a 22 minute drive.  Yeah, I have this whole thing timed to the minute–is that a bit crazy?  I managed to eat my toast during each red light before ending up on the highway to go north of the city.

The run itself wasn’t so bad.  Even with my hands in my sleeves in freezing temperatures, I managed to stay warm enough.  Heck, anything would be an improvement over the week before.  It’s interesting how last week’s run had tougher conditions but today’s run just felt harder.  I reasoned that the without the harsh winter conditions to impede me I was able to work harder to go faster.  Indeed, we shaved about half an hour off last week’s time (that’s how bad it was).

Anyway, I guess I’m just telling this story to indicate just how a rough morning isn’t enough to keep me down.  In the end I just have to plow through within reason anyway, right?

Oh, God, what’s wrong with me? It almost seems like I’m going through a bit of a cosmic rough patch. Left and right, I kind of feel like I’m leaving a trail of disappointed people behind me as I’m moving onward. No, it’s not my intention. I mean, is it ever, really? Who wakes up in the morning thinking “Hmm, I know! I want people to be frustrated with me!”

I’m no sociopath.

I’m finding a little irony in the fact that although I’m surrounded by people, my sense of loneliness seems to be hitting me harder. I’m doing the best I can to keep my shit together, but there’s only so long I can go before breaking. Today the universe found the chink in my armour and down I went about midday today into something of a downward spiral.

I want tomorrow to be a better day. I may have to find a way to tear myself down and build myself back up again to be stronger. Meanwhile, I’m just tired, right through to my core. Rest can’t come soon enough.

Yeah…I’m safe, but that doesn’t mean I’m unaffected. I left at the end of the day feeling quite gross. As I walked down the stairs I knew that I just wasn’t in any mood to go run today. People say that running really helps to alleviate stress. It’s true. I actually perpetuated that among my students in the LTR. Thing is, in my sad state I wasn’t in a position to be helpful to anyone. I pretty much made the decision to miss the class, but on the streetcar I was vacillating. Part of me knew that getting out there might actually help. Sure, I’d be such that I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone, but still.

When I got to the subway, it just so happened that the train was out of power for some reason. The driver was outside on the phone talking to the control centre. I took that as a sign that it just wasn’t meant to be. So, I decided to walk over to Yonge and Bloor. I mean, I figured it would be a great way to kill time and hopefully burn off some of the cloud that was just hanging over my head. On the way though, I decided to change my plans. Instead of walking past the rich stores around Bay & Bloor, I thought it would be a great idea to head down to College and take the 506 streetcar to check out the scenery. Unlike the last time I took the 506, I wanted to make sure I got a window seat to get a good view of all the neighbourhoods. I walked down St. George through the University of Toronto. Seeing so many young people kind of made me feel old. I mean, if I think about it, I’m sure that a good number of those people are around ten years younger than me. There they are, all laughing it up and enjoying life as they walk down the road. In contrast, there I am kind of miserable after seeing far too much change happen at work.

I made it to the route and the streetcar arrived about 5 to 10 minutes later. Let me tell you, the ride was really long. Toronto is a really wide city, isn’t it? If I wasn’t so intent on trying to enjoy the route, I would probably be more annoyed at having made such a decision. I was fascinated by the varying levels of cleanliness throughout the areas. I mean, with the city workers’ strike going on, I’ve really only experienced the levels of filth that have accumulated around my workplace. By contrast, so much of the route was kept clean. I was impressed. It shows the amount of pride the local business have in keeping the city clean.

I made it back to my car eventually. After a quick ride home, I did a quick assessment of how I was feeling. Well, sure, I spent a lot of time out there trying to unwind and destress, but ultimately my head was still heavy. My chemicals were such that I continued to feel crappy. Such is life, I guess. These events can’t be washed away so quickly with a bit of a walk. I’m going to see if sleep will help to make things better. I hope so, otherwise tomorrow might actually be a bit hard to bear.

Yeah, so what was yesterday’s post all about? To be honest it was really a matter of just venting some frustration. There was a lot of talk going around on our team that our development schedules were really quite packed, leaving very little wiggle room. That would have been all well and good, but then a bombshell was dropped on us that one of our team members just got laid off. Yeah, I totally feel bad for the guy. Thing is, he took the news really well. You could say he looked at peace with the situation. By the end of the day yesterday, I wasn’t sure I processed all of what happened. That’s why the post was very much one of shock. Today though, I think it has all been straightened out in my mind. Really, all I can do is feel fortunate that I wasn’t the one cut. Who knows how all of that could have went, right?

As I was travelling back to my car yesterday, my head understandably felt heavy. There was just a lot going on. As soon as I got to my running class though, I felt all of my troubles fading away. Why? Well, after 2 months of training, they finally got to a point where they were running ten minute intervals comfortably. From the beginning that was one of the goals we’d set for them. Starting at 1 minute of running with 2 minutes of walking, week after week they built up their endurance. Before, every time I bumped the intervals up by a minute there was much worry about whether or not they’d be able to make it. By now though, everyone was just entirely confident in their abilities. As they reached the turn around point I hung back to cheer everyone on. The look of pride in everyone’s eyes was just amazing. By the end, yes, many were tired, but that didn’t dampen the light beaming from within, you know?

That’s one goal down. In less than two weeks it’ll be race day. For many of them, it’ll be the first 5K race they’ll ever run. I’ll be there. They will do a fantastic job.

So yeah, yesterday was a day of contrast, no? Emotions ranged from being a little distraught over loss, to feeling proud from watching other achieve their goals. Highs and low. Peaks and valleys. Some days that’s just the way life goes, no?