Last week I wrote about the fact that it’s important to just roll with the scenes you play in when it comes to improv. I really was hoping that this week would leave me feeling better about myself and my abilities. Well, it wasn’t to be. Again, I don’t think I was blocking things or particularly bad in the exercises I participated in, but again I came out feeling like I was sliding backwards. Well, after two weeks of feeling off at the beginning of the last beginner’s class I simply felt worried. Was I on the wrong track somehow? It’s not like I was hit in the head or anything like that, right?

I didn’t want these bad feelings to fester long so I made sure to approach my teacher after class. I told him my worries and how I just felt like I’ve been far off of where I’ve been. On one level I was hoping that he would confirm what I was feeling and that he’d be able to pinpoint just where I was floundering. Thing is, he couldn’t point out a specific weak area. He actually told me that he didn’t notice that Ive been off at all. Man, I was so confused. He did point out the same thing that I’ve been telling myself–not all classes will be super awesome. Many will be average. In fact, he pointed out that the theatre’s director states that in improv you should aim to be average. If you always aim for the spectacular, on your off days you’ll just be a lot worse than you expect. I can intellectualize that phrase and understand the theory behind it. However, in terms of putting it into practice I’m still feeling scared that average might not be good enough. I guess that’s where training comes in though: through training, the level of averageness may rise. He also pointed out that I had a really high acceleration during the 300 level class. It’s such that when I plateau during a week it just feels like I’m sliding where, in truth, I’m still staying in a great spot. Honestly, hearing all of that from him was entirely reassuring.

I’m fascinated by the fact that I really care about how I’m doing in this activity. If this was just a small hobby I might brush all of this aside, but it really seems like I want to do well. I’m seeking criticism so that I know if I’m headed in the right direction. I wonder if it’s a sign of something. Thing is, it’s not like I can turn this into a career. At best, this will continue to be a fun activity I do in my spare time. All the same, I don’t want to be mediocre. Ah, we’ll see what happens.

Aaaah! Reminder to self that I’m still learning the craft of improv, and that every night that I do it can’t be a super awesome night. There will be days when I just don’t feel any emotional or mental connections in any of the activities or exercises. Even so, my so called worse nights aren’t even that bad. No blanks were drawn, but perhaps there were a lot of times that my mind probably should have gone left instead of right. It doesn’t matter too much, I guess, because that’s one of the beauties of improv. You’re just supposed to go with what you’ve been given, right? Whatever circumstances are presented, that becomes the new reality of the scene you’re in. Just have to roll with it, right? In that sense I guess I didn’t fail at all. It’s just that my choices weren’t necessarily stellar.

Bah! Whatever. Kvetch kvetch, whine whine. I’m promising myself that next time I will bring it!