Tag Archive: graduation

Dreaming of exam panic

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Mon. January 19, 2009

This past weekend I found myself in a bit of panic. This was all due to what seems to be a recurring dream for me. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it feels raw each and every time, making me feel quite uneasy. Upon waking I have to take a moment or two to regain my bearings and assess reality from make-believe. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Well, what’s the dream? It involves university and being on the brink of graduation. Usually, in the forefront of my mind there’s something nagging, telling me that I’ve missed the exam for some subject. It varies from dream to dream: French, Psychology 101, Sociology, English, etc. See, in the dream I apparently went to one or two classes of the subject but then decided that I didn’t need to go. I then totally ignored the class to the point where I forgot the scheduled exam. In some variations I’m in a panic over whether I’m actually still enrolled in the class. Sometimes I haven’t been to that class for so long that I was suddenly un-enrolled. Whatever the case, the result is that I suddenly don’t have enough credits to graduate–leaving me in a panic over how I’m going to make it up.

When I wake up from these dreams, my mind is often in overdrive trying to figure out when the exam for the course was supposed to be. Sometimes I have to second-guess what day of the week it is just in case I was dreaming that I missed it. Of course, THERE IS NO EXAM. After a few moments of figuring things out, I always realize that I have my freaking diploma, and that I’ve been out of school for a few years now.

Wow, so what the hell is with this dream? I think the obvious interpretation is a general fear of failure. Maybe these dreams come to me whenever I’m going through a particularly stressful time at work. During these periods there’s a definite need to perform. I guess I’m carrying that stress home with me. Why is it manifesting itself in the form of dreams of missing exams/skipping class? My academic career has had ups and downs. I’ve never gotten to the point though where I’d miss something outright from classes through exams. See, tuition cost too much to allow me to forget, know what I mean?

You know, for once, I’d like to have one of these academic dreams where I’m actually victorious. I can joke about not being the ideal university student. Why? I’m not. Period. However, I worked hard when it mattered. In the end I got the job done. What more is there? Why can’t my subconscious celebrate that achievement for once?

*grumble*

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I’m not dead yet

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Sun. June 18, 2006

Since yesterday was my convocation, my mother decided to contact the church and have it offer one of the masses as a mass for thanksgiving. Fair enough. But really, how often do the living have something offered to them? It doesn’t happen often in my opinion. I really didn’t need a whole mass on a Sunday with me as an intention. So, anyway, during the mass, I was hoping that I wasn’t going to be mentioned. Seriously.

When it came to the part where there were prayers for the faithful, the intentions came and went, one by one, without a mention. I was relieved when they hit the names of the deceased, because that meant that they had gotten past the other intentions. That’s when it happened. They were praying for the souls of the members of the church who had passed on. I was listed.

I’m dead. Except that I’m not. I’m very much alive and well, thanks.

Someone behind the scenes must have thought that the mass offering was for someone dead, and not someone alive. I found it hilarious. Mom was all “what the….” Dad wasn’t paying attention. I explained it to him in the car, at which point he became livid and cursing anyone who may have been involved. Good show. You know, I really don’t need any correction made. It was a simple error. I don’t care. Let’s leave it at that. I found humour in the situation. My father wsa threatening to raise holy hell on the church. We got into a fight about it. Honestly, I don’t give two shits about it being wrong. Just because it was announced doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly going to get sick and die. Fuck it. It’s a mistake. Let it go. If I have, he should as well. Ugh!

So yeah, I’m not dead.

“Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated”
-Mark Twain

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Exeunt

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Sat. June 17, 2006

Convocation was today. It was long. It was hot outside. I have my diploma.

Well, I suppose I have more to say than just that. It was great to see people (in many cases, for the last time) again in the robing room. It made me somewhat nostalgic. I admit though that in many cases I had already forgotten people’s names. Heh. Can’t fool me though, I know that many people had forgotten my name in comparison to me forgetting theirs. Though, I suppose I shouldn’t be proud of that at all.

The ceremony came and went. It was long, and somewhat uninteresting. The speakers said a lot of things that were snark worthy, but all I could do was produce stifled sarcastic giggles. I mean, all things considered, I could have summarized the speakers thusly: donate money, make a difference/run for public office, naked body covered in chocolate sauce, donate money. Of the four, I bet you can’t tell which one came from the valedectorian. Ha!

When I was handed my diploma, the president of UW asked me what I had in store in the future. I was…stumped. I wasn’t expecting a question. All I could muster was a hearty “I have no clue.” He looked like I was from outer space. Whatever. Hell, it’s not like that guy really personally cared about my answer.

Once the ceremony ended, I found Henrick and we returned our gowns quite promptly. I just wanted to get out of that thing. When I found my mom, she rued the fact that she didn’t get to take any close photos of me in my gown. Honestly, it didn’t matter to me all that much, although I recognize that it really meant a lot to her. I kind of regret it, but can I do, you know? I made a promise though that I would pose for a few good photos with my diploma here at home.

Anyway, this act of the grand play is at an end. People are heading off to build foundations for the start of the rest of their lives. So too will I, though I haven’t written the script.

Exeunt

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Grace and luck

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Fri. June 9, 2006

So I’ve been poking around and talking to people in vain attempts to stave off ennui from permanently setting in, which is tough, especially when you really have nothing much to do.

God, I am so freakin’ bored.

Anyway, Cindy has been reporting that she recently put a down payment for an apartment in Boise. It’s been making her feel all low and sentimental, (or as she puts it: schmaltzy) for the past little while. She’ll be leaving everything behind in Toronto soon enough and starting a new life. As of now, I’m feeling eer so slightly jealous of her situation. She’s got a job, a place of her own; she’s basically going to live an adult life. As for me, eh….I’m not quite there yet. It will be tough to leave almost everything behind. I think, on the surface, part of me is thinking: how bad could it be? At the same time, I haven’t been faced at all with the actual idea of “moving out.” It’s easy to think about it because I haven’t been placed in a situation where I have to truly prep my mind for such a huge change. So, I’m truly not in any position to offer advice of any kind, you know?

I long to move on and enter “the next stage.” I’ve only been out of school for about a month and a half, and I’m already feeling weighed down, or like my wings have been clipped. I haven’t yet gotten off the ground. It’s just, I guess I haven’t done enough to allow me to make such progress.

For the longest time, I’ve gotten by in school with almost minimal effort. I mean, no matter what the case, there was always a way to get by and be “good enough” just to move on. I’m a brilliant person; my marks don’t necessarily reflect that. Well, that was then, this is now. I don’t think I’ve broken free of that state of mind. I know it mentally, but perhaps in some other part of myself, I just haven’t fully accepted the idea that I’m going to have to put some hardcore effort down to get results. Part of me is hoping that grace and luck will come my way, and that I’ll know enough to grab it. Whether its come or not…I’m not sure. In the end, I just feel empty.

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