citizen of the planet

This ended up as a day where I had a chance to catch up with two people that I hadn’t seen in years.  I saw one of them over lunch, and the other over dinner.  It really is interesting how meals are great at bringing people together, right?  So, I was just thinking that the younger version of me would have been fretting over whether I’ve done enough since the last time we saw each other.  I mean, am I at the right place career-wise?  Have I travelled anywhere exciting?  Am I doing enough in my spare time?  Am I dating someone?  On some level, I believed I would be judged by just how far I’d gotten, and I would have wanted to the other party to look down on me.

Of course, all of that is silly, isn’t it?

Thankfully, this time around I was a lot more relaxed and forgiving of myself.  I was genuinely interested in hearing about what they’ve been up to, and they were interested in what I’ve been up to.  I may not be at the top of my game in all spheres of life, but that doesn’t matter at all; these people are interested in me and not my “status.”  It’s amazing how liberating that thought is.

It’s a sentiment echoed by a lot of people around me.

Stop worrying and just enjoy life.

Simple advice, but it seems to be something that I’m having trouble buying into.  I wonder if it’s a symptom of the generation, or if it’s something specific to me, but I seem to be in a phase where things are just “Go!  Go!  Go!“  There are goals that I have defined somewhere in the back of my mind that I just keep running for.  That’s perhaps why I had the drive to somehow acquire an OK job, a car, and a place of my own on my own schedule.  I’ve had a friend tell me that I was always like this: I want it all as soon as possible.  I never really thought of it that way.  To be honest, I kind of felt like I was falling behind.  As much as I know it’s totally foolish to do so, I can’t help but compare myself to successful people I know who’ve got a bigger and better stuff.  I end up knocking myself thinking “You don’t have the talent to get to that level.”  Yeah: totally destructive, right?  I mean…damn.  I think somewhere buried deep inside is a bit of an inferiority complex that I just can’t shake.  It’s one reason why I just want to keep improving and keep doing better for myself.  It’s a bit of a mess because I don’t want to be hitting milestones just because society thinks that that’s where I should be.  I’m actually sure that part of it is just me trying to prove to myself that I can succeed.

All of this is a stress that’s pretty enduring.  This is why the lesson of just letting go and enjoying life is an important one.  I wonder, am I really so narrow-focused on this race of life that I’m not taking the time to enjoy the scenery?  I think I consider my current state of being to be a little ingrained, so I don’t think I can drop it easily.  How much control am I willing to let go?  I’m sure there’s a happy medium somewhere in there, but I truly haven’t found it just yet.  Perhaps the first step then is to stop beating myself up for every little flaw and mistake.  I mean, I should continue to celebrate the victories and such, but is it such a bad thing if I let something slide?  If I can’t be OK with myself after something like that, how can I expect other people to accept me, flaws and all?  Lots to think about.

Ooh, 25 minutes left before midnight, will I be capable of writing anything substantial, especially when I’m running into a bit of writer’s block? We’ll see about that.

I was trying to avoid writing about work, to be honest. I mean, I do that a lot, and really, the more I write about it the more I’m opening up opportunities for me to be dooced if I misstep somehow. Thing is, the topic is still weighing heavily on my mind. This is especially after a bit of news that may actually put something in terms of an expiry date on my job. Yeah, no shit, eh? All this talk yesterday about me having a shelf-life, and now there’s suddenly an expiry. Perhaps I’d be better suited right now talking about food.

Well anyway, there’s so much going on in my head in terms of where my future is positioned, etc etc. I hesitate to call it the quarter-life crisis. Oh, hell no. I do not want to classify it like that at all. In my mind, I attach that phrase with a bit of paralysis and fear over not having accomplished X in one’s life by mid-twenties. No. I’ve accomplished lots, and I’m quite accepting of the fact that there is more than enough time to accomplish whatever I need to accomplish in the years ahead. I am accepting that what I’m doing now is my bread and butter. It’s what I’m using to build a solid foundation for myself. I accept that it’s not the field I expect to be in ten years from now.

See. If I know all of this, does that sound like a crisis to you? It doesn’t to me. More than anything, I suppose, I’m just having to deal with having to confront the unknown. I know I’m going to switch fields into something I’m more suited to, but what? It’s not for me to know right now, but I’m sure it will all make itself clear when the time is right.

Often these days, I stress out about things that are far off into the future despite my mind’s best intentions not to do so. Even if I did have a plan, there’s no way for me to know whether I’m going to take the correct steps to get to that point. Thing is, I do need something to act as a focus so that even if I veer off in another direction I will still have a point of reference. I think, what I have to learn right now is to be able to look ahead with confidence and not be taken over by the fear. I have to accept that whatever path I’m on, it will be the correct one for my current situation. That’s just how life works, right?

It seems like every day for the past few days I’ve had some sort of de-stressing outing. Thursday night I went out to Kelsey’s with a friend. Friday night I went a local bar with colleagues. I met with some friends for dim sum earlier today. Have I now fully recovered? Umm, I’m getting there, certainly. I guess I’ll wait to see how I feel on Monday after I’ve had my long run on Sunday.

Anyway, while eating today milestones were discussed. It was brought to my attention how I’ve already met so many except for the one that’s sort of making V-day more of an annoyance than anything. So often I play down the fact that my condo is coming, and that I have a car, and a decent job. I just don’t realize how well I really have a lot of my ducks all lined up in a row. That’s great, for sure. I mean, I’ve worked hard to get to where I am. I could be forgiven then, I guess, for worrying about what would happen if it all came crashing down. Given the economic climate, what if I suddenly lost my job? It’s entirely possible. How will I make car payments? How will I cover the mortgage? Having this fear is sort of a way to encourage myself to not be complacent, know what I mean? I can’t afford to have poor work ethic for an extended period. It would be one thing to be laid off due to circumstances outside of my control, but if I would ever get fired for being a slacker then I wouldn’t have any excuse at all. I’d be doomed. Doomed!

I guess what I’m saying is that I can’t take any of this for granted. I need to continue to work hard and strive to do better. All of this came to me while eating har gow. Go figure.

My eyes are pretty tired right now. When I look in the mirror my eyes are red, betraying my need for a bit of sleep. It’s in this state that I came to thinking about how I’m kind of stuck–neither here nor there. There are days when I just want to complain about everything in my life. Usually it comes in the form of worry about not having something or not having achieved some nebulous milestone. I end up wallowing for a while up until I come to the realization that things aren’t that bad. I mean, I have a tremendous amount to be thankful for, right? I do not want to be ungrateful for having things that X amount of people are still working hard to achieve.

So. What am I supposed to do when I’m feeling blue? Does my situation invalidate the fact that some days I kind of just feel like crap? Sure, in the big grand scheme, my worries are a drop in the bucket. In fact, anyone reading this right now is probably in the same boat: we can afford Internet in some manner, and have access to modern technology. What then? I guess, if I look at my relative situation, I can get a clearer picture of whether I should be concerned. However, comparing myself to my peers isn’t exact either because everyone’s situation is different. There are so many variables to draw clear conclusions.

All that’s left then? Well…I guess that just leaves me to myself. Aha! So, figuring out where I stand should be based on goals that I’ve defined for myself. However, where do these goals come from? Goals inevitably relate to my peers in some way or another, right? That goes back to the earlier issue. Hmm…well then I have to consider why a goal is being defined. If it’s solely for the purpose of getting one-up over others is it a good goal? Will the goal benefit society? Is it something that will make me happy or someone else happy? In the end, I’m going to have to strike a balance between selfish desires and true altruism–too much of either isn’t healthy.

So, if I’m feeling kind of sad, isn’t that an indicator that maybe I’m setting standards for myself that are not beneficial?

Uuuuugh. Whatever. I have a problem with over-analyzing. Some days I just need to remember my humanity and let myself experience whatever I need to experience. Purge.

It’s often difficult seeing friends going through similar difficulties that I’ve gone through in terms of finding employment after graduation, and generally establishing a base for life in the adult world. After years upon years of being sheltered by academic life, being thrust into this new realm is tough. I can see a lot of the same raw emotions in my friends that I remember having to deal with:

• The exhilaration of being free and on the brink of something exciting
• Apathy mixed with fear with regards to finding a job
• Feeling the sudden panic with the realization that finding a job is necessary
• General sentiments of inadequacy when the job hunt is more difficult than expected
• Worrying when employment doesn’t match what’s considered the “dream job”

All of these emotions are especially powerful at this time because there’s a relative lack of mental stimulation to keep the mind preoccupied.  It’s tough to deal with, but at this point I believe that these steps are necessary in order to gain a greater appreciation for the transition as a whole.  I mean, this is one of those gateway periods, you know?  You step over the threshold and suddenly you’re forever changed.

I’m not saying that I now have my life all figured out, after all, it hasn’t been that long since my own graduation.  I can safely say though that after all of this my perspective has widened.  Through university it was easy to have narrowed vision; all you needed to do was look as far enough as the next exam or project.  As clichéd as it sounds, there are so many opportunities now available.

So when I see my friends going through these testing times, all I can do is remain encouraging with the hopes that they too will find bits of wisdom from this journey through the wilderness.

School is starting again tomorrow for many people across the country. I’ll admit that I’m still finding it a little bit strange to not be included in that grouping. As the years pass by, I’m becoming more and more removed from my scholarly life. I’m not saying that I miss it, but it makes me pause to think that something that I’ve spent almost two decades at is slowly morphing into a “past life.”

So, all this time since graduating is part of the act of shedding old skins and redefining myself. I’m active. I’m working. I’m generally all right with the way things are going.

Why the heck am I analyzing all of this now (again)? Well, one of my old classmates recently attended the wedding reception of another classmate. He told me all about it yesterday. Just due to the nature of things, he ended up running into a lot of people from our old class. Some were raving that they’d found their ideal jobs, living it up in various places in the States. Others were in med school or law school, obviously aspiring to be something greater. Now, as my friend was telling about these encounters, I could imagine exactly how he was feeling. We’re in similar situations: we have average jobs here in the big city, and are content to just be in the workforce. I suppose we could be doing better for ourselves, but…does it really matter?

That’s the question, isn’t it? Does it really matter that I’m not in med school, or going to a dream job, or changing the world on some vast level? If I can live with what I’m doing and not feel terrible angst about it all, then I must be doing something right. That’s not to say that I’m not aiming high for myself. Of course I am. I have goals and aspirations as much as the next guy. What’s the difference then?

To be honest, I still haven’t figured that one out yet. I think…I have found enough to keep me stable and grounded for the next little while, and it’s from this foundation that I can build on my sense of self. I know that everything will be OK.

Over at the 20SB forums, someone posted a question in the “Quarterlife Crisis” area that caught my attention. I’m not going to post the question here in its entirety, but I will post my response. Basically, the question was from a 21-year-old asking whether the 20′s is when life gets easier. Riiiiight.

I don’t think it’s like a switch where all of a sudden you’re living the good life. If you live life anticipating something like that you’re only going to end up disappointed. Sure, some people luck out but they’re in the minority, right?

I think…this age is more a time when pieces really start falling into place. Or rather, it’s a time when you start recognizing what the pieces are, whereas before it all you had was a vague image. At best you need to get those pieces to fit in such away that you can feel satisfied. It won’t ever be perfect–because “life happens.”

Your priorities will change, and as a result your perspective will change. You’ll come to realize or accept what makes you fundamentally happy, and that may not necessarily be what you listed. That happens at different times for different people, but the 20′s is a ripe time for it to happen. It’s an on-going process and not a ‘eureka’ thing. The whole thing about decisions doesn’t really end–they give you drive and push you to move forward.

Now, alright, I’m not claiming to have found ‘it.” However, I do know that it’s all about perspective. I know that I can’t expect to have everything right away. I’m not going to let that hold me down though. As long as I set goals and work hard to achieve them, I will keep moving forward. The joy then not only comes from ultimately achieving, but also in the process of getting there.