Tag Archive: life goals

Unfettered time

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Mon. October 1, 2007

I ended up chatting with Raien last Saturday, which was refreshing because I hadn’t heard from her in a long while. The topic turned to the so-called life milestones and where we currently stand. I have many blessings to be thankful for. I have a career and my own place (which, although it still needs to be built, is still worthy of note). I’m just missing something in the love areas of my life. Yeah, I don’t want to say that it’s that much of an important issue, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t. I usually tell myself that I’m just occupied and throwing my focus elsewhere, which is true. Work is very important to me: it’s how I get the resources to live comfortably. Raien and I agreed that we could find a partner easily if we wanted to, just that we didn’t want to lead anyone on if we didn’t intend to take the relationship seriously. I guess that makes us a little too idealistic, no?

She mentioned that some people constantly need to be in relationships because they don’t want to be lonely. Where does that pin me? I’d like to think that I’m being self-reliant and independent, but am I really? I don’t know. I guess I’m of the opinion that if I can’t take care of myself, how can I take care of someone else? So, I need to spend this unfettered time right now to establish myself and settle as much of my identity as possible.

Some days I do wish that I had someone to share my thoughts, my worries, my triumphs, my fears and failures. I know though that I’ve got other outlets for that kind of thing, and ultimately I know I can deal with it all. Patience, yeah? Patience.

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Thinking about self-realization

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Tue. August 28, 2007

Holy crap, I’m tired right now; I’m tapped out from running. We made a new distance record today, but I’ll save that entry for tomorrow.

You know, it almost scares me that August is just about over and done with. Time is relentless. Psychologically, it seems like it’s gaining momentum as I’m getting older. Thing is, I’m still quite young. I can only imagine that time will seem like the blink of an eye when I become really really old.

I’m now 25 years old. I’m still in the process of sloughing off the old shells of the past, and I know I’ll be doing that for a while to come. Yeah, the law may consider me an adult, but I know deep down inside that I’m just not there yet: I still feel like a kid. I think that I’m OK with that. Let’s be honest. I don’t know if I’m in the right career field. I’m doing what I’m doing because I’m OK at doing it and it’s allows me to earn resources to explore what I want. Some days I almost don’t know who I am–those days are rough. Thing is, with regards to these types of feelings, I know I’m not the only one: I know I’m not alone.

I know some people my age seem like they’ve got their life together. Some are truly in a good state, while others are just putting up a front. Whatever the case though, why should I compare myself to these other people? I know it’s sometimes inevitable to look over at your neighbour and envy their stuff. Still, no one’s circumstances are ever the same. I don’t know the details of how anyone got to where they are. All I have knowledge of is my own state–and even that knowledge is shaky at best. As such, trying to compare is a futile exercise, no? This is why I think the whole self-realization process is so damn important. If it’s going slowly…well, that’s the way it is. All that matters, I guess, is that I’m making the effort.

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Past the emotional insecurities

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Fri. June 15, 2007

There have been quite a few times over the past week or two where I’ve sat in front of my laptop here, wanting to blog something deep and profound. It’s been a long time since I’ve done a navel-gazing introspective entry. However, as I sat hoping for the words to come to me, I kept drawing blanks. Frankly, I would have written about my running experiences some more but I seem to be doing that all too much.

What is this? It almost seems like a state of equilibrium. If I wanted to, I could pick out a while list of things that are missing in my life right now. At the same time, I know that there are a large amount of positives to balance things out. I have a great job downtown. I purchased a condo which is now being built. I’m successfully making attempts to stay healthy. I’m spending a lot of time with loved ones. I have solid friends that I can count on. How can I not be at ease, you know?

I was chatting with someone during a lull at work about this mental state. He commented that we were now past the emotional insecurities of the mid-twenties (damn, he used other, better words, but I can’t remember them). Is that true? 30 is around the corner, which will probably lead to a whole other crisis of some sort. As far as I’m concerned, I’m still prime for experiencing the aforementioned insecurities. Honestly though, I’m finding that it’s all mattering less and less; I have my life, and all I can do is live it as best I can.

I have to admit though, I worry now that this attitude is transitory. I mean, if it is, I’ll be back into my old ruts after a month or so. I have some confidence though that this is not the case. Why shouldn’t I have confidence? What’s there to gain by assuming that I’ll be wrong? Nothing!

Anyway, I sort of feel like I’m talking in circles right now. I need to think about this some more.

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Grace and luck

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Fri. June 9, 2006

So I’ve been poking around and talking to people in vain attempts to stave off ennui from permanently setting in, which is tough, especially when you really have nothing much to do.

God, I am so freakin’ bored.

Anyway, Cindy has been reporting that she recently put a down payment for an apartment in Boise. It’s been making her feel all low and sentimental, (or as she puts it: schmaltzy) for the past little while. She’ll be leaving everything behind in Toronto soon enough and starting a new life. As of now, I’m feeling eer so slightly jealous of her situation. She’s got a job, a place of her own; she’s basically going to live an adult life. As for me, eh….I’m not quite there yet. It will be tough to leave almost everything behind. I think, on the surface, part of me is thinking: how bad could it be? At the same time, I haven’t been faced at all with the actual idea of “moving out.” It’s easy to think about it because I haven’t been placed in a situation where I have to truly prep my mind for such a huge change. So, I’m truly not in any position to offer advice of any kind, you know?

I long to move on and enter “the next stage.” I’ve only been out of school for about a month and a half, and I’m already feeling weighed down, or like my wings have been clipped. I haven’t yet gotten off the ground. It’s just, I guess I haven’t done enough to allow me to make such progress.

For the longest time, I’ve gotten by in school with almost minimal effort. I mean, no matter what the case, there was always a way to get by and be “good enough” just to move on. I’m a brilliant person; my marks don’t necessarily reflect that. Well, that was then, this is now. I don’t think I’ve broken free of that state of mind. I know it mentally, but perhaps in some other part of myself, I just haven’t fully accepted the idea that I’m going to have to put some hardcore effort down to get results. Part of me is hoping that grace and luck will come my way, and that I’ll know enough to grab it. Whether its come or not…I’m not sure. In the end, I just feel empty.

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Sushi o tabeta

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Tue. June 6, 2006

The best way to meet with someone that you haven’t seen in a long time is over food. There’s something so basically uniting and entirely human about sharing a meal with someone. It could be an issue though in the case that you’re meeting with different groups of people, which probably means that you’re going to find your frequency of eating out to suddenly spike. It becomes even more interesting if those groups want to eat in the same type of restaurant.

Oh, not that I mind.

I met Laurence on Sunday for dinner, and Yuki and Raien on Monday for lunch. In both cases, it was suggested that we eat in a sushi restaurant. How could I refuse (especially when I hadn’t seen either group in a long while)? The picture above is from my outing with the girls. The two of them love surf clam. I’m not as fanatical about it, but I’m able to eat it. I just thought that the sushi guy arranged it so beautifully that I had to take a picture. Anyway, the two of them are doing great.

Yuki is progressing through so many stages of life so quickly. She’s getting married and getting a house. To be honest, I’m feeling like I’m falling behind. I just graduated, and I’m sitting on my ass while pondering my future, and there she is, eyes forward, running towards the future full-speed ahead. I’m not getting any younger, you know. In any case, I know that Yuki will reach a point where she’ll be fully content, and I’m truly happy for her.

Raien has been through so many ups and downs over the past few months. However, she is a strong woman. I admire her no-nonsense attitude and I respect her points of view. At the same time, I feel like there’s a bit of vulnerability there. I think I’m able to recognize it because I sense the same vulnerability in myself. That being said, if you were to ask me what it is, I’d have no clue how to explain it.

Laurence and his med-school pursuits seem to be going well. His semester just ended meaning that he’s now got the summer months off. He was telling me tales about his experience, and I was greatly fascinated by them. Even stories of him performing probes and palpatating prostates of the living-impaired didn’t phase me. Man, med-school seems to be ridiculously tough. A very long time ago, I had dreams of becoming a pediatrician. Somewhere along the way that dream faded. At this point, I don’t think I would have had the patience to put up with so much education. That just means then, that I’m glad that there are more dedicated and focused people like Laurie that are taking care of the difficult medical roles that are so important in our society. I can’t imagine a shmuck like me doing such things.

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