Tag Archive: roommates

If I hadn’t stepped out of the bubble

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Sun. January 17, 2010

I was just reflecting on this a little bit earlier. Some days I wonder what life would be like if I continued living a somewhat cowardly existence by continuing to put up with the people who made me feel inferior, or like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I think back then all I wanted was a little approval. Really, isn’t that what all of us want? In the end, we all just want people to like us for who we are. And yet, years ago, I was in some situation where I just didn’t feel right.

Back then, due to circumstance I was always the odd one out. It’s hard when everyone else is working on one thing and you’re off in your own world toiling away on things that they couldn’t care less about. It was in this environment that I was trying to find a way in. Despite my serious nature, in a home setting I’m easy enough to get along with. My will to please was running rampant. In particular, there was one person with whom I used to be close with, but over time it turned into personal rejection after personal rejection. Despite this, I didn’t really realize right away that my life didn’t have to revolve around these people. Looking back, my heart kind of breaks for that old Jason. Poor, poor fool.

It wasn’t until a chance encounter, and invitation to watch Idol with people that I didn’t know that well, that it dawned on me that life outside of the bubble was entirely possible. I realized that there are people out there that could possibly accept me in all of my eccentric and maladjusted glory. That’s when I started extricating myself from the poison. Case in point that no one really cared: I haven’t received any contact at all from any one of those old people. Sure, communication is a two way street, but I’m not letting them off the hook. Seeing as how the relationship was lopsided away from my favour, I’m not the one that needs to reach out. Screw that.

So, if I had stayed in that situation, I would be a totally different person that I am today. First of all though, I question whether I would have been able to put up with all that for much longer than I did. I surely think I’d be more messed up than I already was. I have a need for people to like me. Without having that need fulfilled, I think I’d mentally feel like a total failure. I’d still be trying hard to please them. The level of absurdity of the lengths I’d go would probably be higher. Overall, I don’t see myself being content, and depression would have sunk in long ago.

Enough of that though. Yes, all of that is very doom and gloom isn’t it? Let me state that I’ve very glad that I stepped out of that realm. If it wasn’t for that, I might not have gotten closer with friends that eventually became future roommates. I might not have had the improvements in my grades that I was able to achieve since my mind would have been occupied elsewhere. I would not have bonded so strongly with my university classmates because instead of spending time in the labs I would have been in the unit with the others. I am so fortunate that I have these connections with classmates; some of them are still going strong after all these years. More than anything, I’m glad that I was able to find myself. I was able to realize that I am worth my time. I am hardly broken; I am unique. I suppose then that the experiences I had before do serve a purpose after all. They’ve made me stronger and more confident in myself.

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Undergrad: Spring 2005

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Thu. September 7, 2006

I was going to write another job-reated entry, but…I’ve been talking about that way too much lately. I haven’t finished this “Undergrad” series of entries yet. I will soon. I mean, there are only three terms left to write about. However, at the current rate that I’m writing these things, I’ll be finished by…November. Ha! I know: such a strain on my time. Heh.

**Spring 2005**

Life was certainly interesting during this time. I mean, there were just so many new and interesting things going on. Though, now that I think about it, it all can be reduced to four big events. The first was that this period would be the first time I’d be living with a full set of new people. Seriously, it was an exciting prospect; I was hoping for fresh perspectives on life and such. Secondly, it was the start of “fourth year”. Of course, I’d been there for longer than four years (what, with co-op and all), but whatever. I’d heard repeatedly from various sources that I’d be home free once I got to fourth year: no more stress with regards to passing the term. That remained to be seen. The third event was the search for a new job. I’d worked at the old place since late 2002. I wanted a change of venue, and I was making sure I got it. The last event was the work put into IPS. The Intelligent Parking System took up so much of my time during that period. There’s truly a love/hate things going on with that project.

Hmm. Well, this time around I was placed once more into the fancy apartment type residence. I didn’t mind. I mean, it’s an improvement over living at the townhouses–it’s a 10 minute walk to class versus a 25 minute trek. As well, the residence was air conditioned, making for mostly comfortable living conditions. I’d be living with three others, and sharing a bathroom with one of them. I got a preview of my roommates’ names a few months prior. Interestingly, I was going to live with all Chinese guys. I didn’t know what to expect. What I found from the three of them were very distinct personalities that fed into Chinese stereotypes. There was the Canadian-born Chinese (CBC) who was friendly, and at least considerate when it came to others. There was the Mainland guy who was good to get along with but still stuck in some old-country habits. There was the HK guy who was loaded, snobbish, and reclusive. Anyway, I’m not going to recount the stories about them from that time period, if only because I’ve already written the stories. I can say though that I found the experience pretty valuable. It made me realize the extent of my adaptability. I guess though that it was easy enough because everyone kept to themselves. We all led our separate lives and rarely crossed paths, even within the apartment. I think it’s a bit easier that way because there are fewer expectations that way. Truth be told, I was too busy anyway to really be in the apartment all that much.

Fourth year really kept me ridiculously occupied. Although this term only required us to take four courses, the majority of our time was really focused on the fourth year design project. The FYDP introduced us to the CIM lab. This is where we spent most of our time programming. Previously, we were always anchored in the dingy public computer labs because I didn’t have a laptop. When I got one, we were cut free! Thing is, it was hard to find an isolated place where the lot of us could talk loudly and converse freely. So, more often than not, we ended up in that cursed lab. The cold concrete floor and fluorescent lights became all too familiar. There were days where we’d watch the sun set, the sun rise, then the sun set again. So gross. My only comfort was that I knew that I’d make it out without failing the term. You know, I did face a large amount of stress over my school work that term. I was very pissed at the school during various periods. However, by then, I was becoming more accustomed to the harshness of the reality. I kind of think it’s funny how it took me so long to get to that level of cynicism.

The job hunt was also another source of stress (HAH sounds familiar). Since it was my last co-op term, I thought that my stock was at an all-time high. I thought I could be picky about what jobs I wanted to apply to because companies would be tripping over themselves to hire me. Oh, that just shows even more of my naive nature. So sad! Anyway, at first I had only applied to 4 jobs. None of them gave me an interview. I was in shock and feeling quite down. After some time, I ramped up my game, and started applying more often. I was still acting a little sparingly, though not as much as before. I think my dignity was weighing heavily into things. I did eventually get interviews. However, the jobs that I thought I would get fell through. You know, looking back and comparing it to my situation now, I can see a lot of similarities. I mean, back then, hope seemed to be fading that I’d end up with something. It’s the same as now. Where I can find comfort with the lessons from the past is the fact that I eventually did find something in a field that I’d never been in before…and that term turned out to be the best co-op term I’d ever had. Right now, I can hope that despite the fact that no one seems to be interested in me, I’ll end up with a job that is a great fit for my personality. Things always work out for me, right?

Am I right?

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Undergrad Fall 2004

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Sun. July 23, 2006

So, a while ago, I was reading back through my entries during this next time frame and the overall feelings that I got from them were strong and seemingly pure in some strange sense. It’s hard to describe. Anger, sadness, lonliness, resolve, fear–it was all very manifest. I’m not sure how much I can really capture in a small entry like this. I mean, so much of what I’m getting is a result of those images already being in my head. Anyway, here goes.

**Fall 2004**
After one year of preparation, it all came down to one week of solid controlled chaos. Frosh week is an unbelievably insane period on so many fronts. Visibly, it’s quite insane for the attendees, as well as the leaders involved. However, the side that isn’t seen by most is just the heavy burden that we, the organizers, took upon ourselves. I’d been attending weekly meetings. We were solidly planning things right up till the last minute. None of it could have prepared me for all the things that happened.

I don’t think I’ve said all that much regarding the events themselves in previous blog entries and such. I think I’m going to keep it that way. I mean, no one really needs to know that stuff in detail. Let’s say though that it was a tough period on my mental state. I stated the day before the first day of events that I had already cried a few times. Well, I cried even more during the week itself. I didn’t feel strong enough. I crumbled under the pressure so many times. Hmm…how can I articulate this? Well, one of my main functions for the week was to act as sort of an emcee for the week. At the same time, I’m supposed to be a scary guy that demands respect. Now, for those that know me…it’s a tough fit. I’m not scary at all; I’m a pussycat. Out of the four of us, however, my eventual partner and I were the best fits for the job–at least, compared to the other two. You see, of those two, one definitely didn’t want to have my job, and the other had never worked with the group of leaders that I was heading, and so he really had no clue what to do with that group.

Anyway, in the days leading up to the event, I was putting so much work into the backend group administration stuff that I honestly did not pay enough attention to the scripts that I was supposed to learn, or whether my attire was appropriate for my role. When it came down to it, I didn’t feel the part at all. I didn’t feel entirely fierce; I was really blowing things out of my ass (if you’ll pardon the expression). It’s interesting. I guess people bought into the act, but it wasn’t too convincing at all. I’ll admit it. I swear, by the last night, I dropped the weak act and gave in to laughing and smiling where appropriate. Many of the sticklers would not have approved. Well, those same sticklers really wouldn’t care anyway about my state of mind anyway, so they wouldn’t have understood at all.

Thing is, this is perhaps the most organized week that has ever happened, with little to no big problems. However, people won’t remember that much. They’ll just say that it was a tame week. I probably won’t be remembered at all. Maybe it’s for the best, you know?

You know, in the wake of the week, this was so much in the forefront of my mind. Why wouldn’t it be? It kind of hurt to think that perhaps I was a failure at my job. Since then, my attitude has changed. I mean, I poured myself into everything that happened. I got wind that some of the rituals I implemented for the leaders I led have stayed there in subsequent years. So fuck it all. It’s now…2 years onward.

Shortly after the week, the rest of my roommates moved in. We were living in the townhouses northwest of the university. I was kind of interested in talking to them. Y, M, S were still the same, I guess. I was still high on all of the chemicals that frosh week caused my glands to secrete. I wanted to share with them all the stories of my exploits and such. However, not once did they ask about how things went. Actually, there was a simple “Oh how did that go?” from Y or M (I don’t recall). All I replied was a simple “good” because I could tell that they weren’t interested in hearing more. I was kind of hurt by the disinterest. Because of the nature of the hurt, it was a long lasting one. What could I have done anyway? Asked them to gather around for storytime? Nope. Of course not.

That term really led to full estrangement from the trio. It was really difficult because those three were really my core when it came to friendships at school. Such is life. Several things led to that. First was the fact that they took swimming lessons as a group. This group included the usual circle of extended friends that came along to such things. It was the same group that came along for things like ballroom dancing and skating lessons. Well, I chose not to join in. The reasons to me are obvious. I mean, the big one for me is that my back is kind of scarred. I’m also not into the idea of taking of my shirt. I’m not exactly fit. Hmm…I remember once how S was commenting how he was embarassed to take his shirt off because he was too skinny. Psht. Society is such that somewhat skinny is totally more accepted than somewhat larger. I just wasn’t comfortable back then to join them (so imagine the breakthrough I made in Japan by going to the baths). Anyway, they had their fun. They built stronger bonds over newly found activities like waterpolo. I wasn’t anywhere in the picture. *shrug*

In order to compensate for the lack of socializing in the house, I made stronger links with my classmates and other friends. I did IEEE stuff, for instance. That took me out of the house a few times. I had projects to work on overnight. That is to say, there were projects that forced me to stay in the labs and work out a viable solution. Those came frequently. I can vividly remember staring at computer screens, working on ECE380 labs till freaking 4 in the morning. There were times I’d make the long trek over to Jenelle’s house to watch CI with her friends. Those people were really friendly. I ended up going to an Avril concert with them in Toronto a few days before my birthday. That was just beyond awesome. That same birthday weekend, Yuki, Raien and Jonathan came over from Toronto to spend time with me. I swear, that was one of the nicest thing that friends have ever EVER done for me. I will never forget that wonderful gesture.

Making new friends and building strong relationships outside of the house was an awesome feeling. At the same time, the shift wasn’t lost on my roommates. I think it was M that made an offhand comment about me not being around them all that much. She said something about me not making an effort much anymore, using not swimming as an example. That really struck me as being harsh. Maybe I had some personal reasons not to swim, you know? She didn’t understand my situation. As well, it’s not like she was making big efforts to get to know me better either, know what I mean?

When I think about it now, I kind of think that I should have been a very angry man back then. However, to tell you the truth, I started off feeling sad. I was losing them as friends; especially S. Ever since the start of that term, he and I were kind of on non-speaking terms. How did that happen? I have no clue where it started. I know though that I wanted to confirm some theories about our friendship that had come up before. For instance, if I didn’t make an effort to strike up conversation and warm up to him, would he step up and attempt to start the friendship again? Would he at least ask if something was wrong? So, I didn’t really talk to him at the start. In the end, he never really made any attempt to be friendly to me, so that’s how things went the whole term. I remember wishing him a happy Thanksgiving, and all he did was grunt back with disinterest. Somewhere along the way he just unceremoniously removed me from his MSN list. I eventually turned bittter and angry at my situation, leading to my “nuts to this” attitude. I mean, honestly, why should I have to deal with that crap? I found strength in the fact that I could socialize elsewhere, and it was great. To this date, I don’t know what happened. Someone I spoke to came up with the theory that he thought I was gay and was therefore avoiding me. It’s possible, however if he thought that and was avoiding me as a result, that would really make him an asshole. I mean, I loved him, but not in that way, thanks. Heh. Oh well. It’s all past now, yeah. That being said, I’m not interested in meeting him anytime soon. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard anything from the girls at all. They could have been abducted by aliens for all I know. Whatever. *shrug*

As I mentioned above, school was causing me to spend many sleepless nights in the labs. The big time eating culprits were my digital controls course and my VHDL course. Keith and I would stay in the labs for long periods trying to collect data, then interpreting them. The class was absolutely horrid. The prof was excruciatingly boring. I eventually got to the point where I was just napping through class so often that I found no point in attending class anymore. I didn’t buy the theory that even through sleeping I was still learning. Bullshit. Either way I’d end up learning the material on my own all over again a few days before the exam anyway. VHDL wasn’t any better either. I once thought that I would excel in this course. However, after a while it became clear that this field wasn’t for me. I don’t know what it was about the course, but I hated it. My marks reflected that. This horrendous term gave me an average of…67: nothing to write home about. Sigh! It’s OK. I knew that Keith and Henrick were in the same boat, so it wasn’t so bad. Ah, speaking of those two, this was the first term where we really started working on the FYDP. It was my first introduction to our fourth member, whose personality would clash with mine on multiple occasions. I’ve yelled at him, I’ve rolled my eyes, I’ve sassed him: all with merit. One event comes to mind in particular. We decided to include him in our group for our VHDL projects. During one all nighter, he just kept on asking me about a document that was being typed up. He just kept on asking. I got to the point (at probably 4 or 5 in the morning) where I just yelled at the guy to stop bothering me about the thing. The whole room (the four of us) sat in stunned silence (for at least a few minutes. I felt bad, but what can you do?

I think that’s all I care to write about my 3B experience, yeah? It’s more than enough.

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Undergrad, Spring 2003

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Fri. May 26, 2006

**Spring 2003**
Well, if I recall correctly, the girls did not want to live off campus again. I thought th experience was good, but they aparently thought otherwise. As a result of that, we applied to live in a residence on campus. We ended up getting a fairly new building which was ideal because of its proximity to the engineering buildings. The four of us shared a four bedroom suite. Us guys were on one side and shared a bathroom; the girls were on the other side and had their own bathroom. It’s not like they were immune to our bathroom though. When I came out of the shower, Y would often complain about having to smell manly soap. Life there was all right. I still appreciated the girls because they were all right to be around.

(To tell you the truth, I miss them, but…I think it’s time to move on…I’m sure they feel the same)

Dude was still the same as usual. We still hung out frequently and had fun, but something was already off balance by then. We did share a class though so we decided to partner up for the lab components of the course. We worked well together and share memories of staying up late and working together to finish tough assignments. So, why the mention of being off-balance? Well, it’s just how I felt about the friendship personally Whether or not it was in my head, well, whatever. I was sensitive to slights and minor things: personal or not. Why? Hell if I know. Things were difficult to understand back then. I don’t want to examine it all too much now because it’s a waste of energy.

Looking back on entries for this time period though, there don’t seem to be any particular unhappy entries. However, as I read them, an aura of uneasiness was triggered in my head. It’s as if I had chosen not to broadcast any of the not-so-pleasant things, for the sake of saving face. Self-censoring is not a good thing. I kind of regret it now, but what’s done is done.

Academically, this was a tough term. I don’t think I attended class enough at all. We had a Matlab course, however, I didn’t touch the program once, at all. I was screwed when I was reuqired to write Matlab code in one of my exams. Heh. I still passed though. My elective was one of the required technical electives. It, and another required course, were hardware type courses. I absolutely hated them; however, they were necessary evils. On a positive note, this term is the first time I met Vladan: we’ve been friends since.

To be honest, I want to write more, but I simply can’t. This is a relatively dry term. Nothing much worth bringing up, you know?

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Undergrad, Fall 2002

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Sat. May 13, 2006

I’ll be honest here. Writing out my undergrad history is getting to be a chore. It shouldn’t be that way, you know? However, I’m gonna press on with it. Although, perhaps I need to change the way I construct the narrative. Hmm.

On another note, This is now 16 days in a row with an entry posted. That’s the longest stretch I’ve gone on writing in here. Perhaps it’s a sign of having extreme boredom at home. Heh.

**Fall 2002**
There were a few things worthy of note about this term that I can remember. It was my first run through the 2A term. Holy, I remember being amazed at the very fact that I was now in second year. This was also the first time I had an elective. So, I made sure to stick in an Arts course for the sake of making me feel like I didn’t have such a ridiculous workload. I ended up taking Anthro 102, which was one of my best courses ever. I just loved studying about different cultures and such. Maybe in another parallel universe I would have ended up a cultural anthropologist. I think S and I had classes in the morning, so we’d sometimes walk over to campus together. It was nice to have someone to talk to on the way in.

It was the first time I participated in Engineering Frosh Week at UW. I don’t know what came over me, but I suddenly wanted to get involved with university extra-curriculars much like I once did in high school. I seriously don’t remember the process I went through to sign up, although I remember the people that I met. As a leader, I had an absolutely amazing time. It was my first taste of the event from that part of the week’s point of view, and I knew that I wanted more.

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The term came and went. I attended class most of the time whenever there was Anthro, although I know I fell asleep in quite a few lectures. On other days without, I was much less inclined to go, which is too bad because I felt kind of screwed in some of the exams. Damn it, those asses scheduled all the midterms in one week. That was hell!

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None the less, I still made it through. Noteworthy is the fact that this is the first time I met Henrick. He dropped in from my old class. I used to call him Henry, but I was corrected on many occasions. I think this is where Keith, Henrick, and I first started working on projects together.

My birthday fell on a weekday that year, so I wanted to celebrate with people. It just so happened that Tony Lee, the XXX Hypnotist was doing a show that night, so I thought it would be great if all of my roommates could go with me. I suggested to them that they come along. They kind of agreed, although there was no talk of buying tickets for a while. At some point, I was afraid they wouldn’t get tickets, so I went ahead and purchased them ahead of time, but I don’t think I told them until last minute. None of them expressed shock or anything, so I guess they didn’t buy. We all went and had a good time. In the end, I don’t think all of them paid me for the tickets.

November also happens to be the month that S has a birthday, although much later. After some discussion, we agreed to exchange gifts. I think the agreement was to keep it around $20 or so. Fair enough. When I was thinking about what to get him, I noticed that he was listening to his computer through a pair of headphones because he didn’t have speakers. It somehow got into my head that speakers would be the perfect gift for him. I looked up Future Shop online and saw a good pair that weren’t too expensive or too cheap. So, when I went back to Toronto, I made the trip out to get them. The local Future Shop didn’t have them so I went way out to another one which had the ones I was eyeing. When it came time to exchange, I went downstairs, brought out the box and handed it too him. All he could say for a while was, “wow(!)” in disbelief. I guess he felt awkward because he stuck to the limit and got me a volume of translated Sailor Moon manga. Pretty nifty. I already had the Japanese manga, but not the English. Thought that counts, I guess. Also, my fault for going over. However, it just seemed like the right thing.

I look back on these two stories thinking that, man, I was too eager to please, you know? It often came at my expense. I wonder, how could I forget myself that easily? Some may argue that giving of yourself is a great thing. I’d agree. Although, your motives must be crystal clear. If you’re doing it solely for approval, then that’s just not healthy for your self-esteem–especially when approval doesn’t necessarily come in the amounts or forms that your soul requires. I’ll be honest, there were times back then when I felt pretty lonely, because I wasn’t sure how people felt about me. Attempts to get their approval often came up empty, making me a little insane. I kind of regret being like that because I’m sure it put tons of strain on my relationships back then. It’s unfortunate, but that’s in the past now, you know?

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Undergrad, Winter 2002

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Sun. May 7, 2006

Just yesterday, I was in a long chat with Zi that really started with me asking him his opinion on how I’ve changed over the past little while. Since I’ve been writing these undergrad memories, I’ve really been unearthing a lot of things that otherwise probably wouldn’t have seen the sunlight again. I was questioning whether it was really a wise idea to be digging up these corpses. I’ll be honest right now and say that I don’t know. I mean, at this point (Winter 2002) I haven’t really hit the heavy stuff. I’m not sure a lot of it is worth bringing up at all, because some of it may have me questioning old motives and states of mind to the point where I may think of myself as being a generally messed up.

Not that I’m relying on him to figure out my state of emotions, but he did make me feel like “messed up” is a bit too strong for my case.

Anyway, I guess I’ll continue to forge my way through and write another long one. I’m sitting in my comfy chair, I’ve got a big mug of pear tea, and I’ve got Bj�rk going to get my in a pensive reflective mood. I think I’m set.

**Winter 2002**
I was just glad to not be away from what I once deemed to be my only social network. I can’t honestly say that I remember otherwise, because I was just so focused on those few people. I was afraid of losing them. Why? I don’t know. I had links to them, because we all came from the same highschool. Although, I never really did hang around with them a whole lot back then, so. You know. I guess I was just still uncomfortable with being away.

Anyway, through Y, we had found a nice townhouse not far from campus. On S’s birthday in November before the Winter term, we gathered in Y’s house to play Mahjong for a little while. I had bought a cake for S, so we used the time to socialize, and generally talk about housing. This was a long way out for me. Brampton is nowhere near North York. Anyway, we got to a point where we drew for rooms to see who would get what because they were all different sizes. There were three rooms upstairs, and the big old basement which wasn’t quite underground, so the one who got that room still got enough sunlight. It just so happened that I got first choice. I chose the basement. (Based on my personality, are you surprised at all?) M got the big room upstairs, Y got the medium room, S got the small room. Prices were adjusted based on the room sizes.

When we moved in, things were nice. Despite the fact that I had absolutely no furniture in the basement, I got by. Wait, that’s not true…I had a couch. I bought an inflatable bed and that was fine. There was also no closet, so I had to buy what was affectionately called the “pseudo-closet”. Honestly, it was kind of ghetto, but it was my own private ghetto.

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I hadn’t lived with the girls before so I didn’t know what to expect. After a little while, the first thing that became an issue was that Marie’s BF was there all day, everyday. To be honest, I wasn’t used to the concept of someone technically not living in the house, you know, living in the house. I don’t think the other three of us were sure about him living there either. The three of us went for a walk just to talk about how we weren’t sure how to deal with it. One day, with M alone in the living room, she and I had a little chat. Now, I’m an honest fellow, and I think I sometimes come off as being blunt. I’m sure that’s how I seemed with her that time. I told her our concerns. She also gave me feedback that her boyfriend wasn’t feeling all too welcome with me saying things like “Oh, you’re still here?” Heh. To be honest, I wasn’t trying to be snippy or anything. Although, I realize now that I came off that way. Again, I was honestly surprised to see him there all the time, especially when he had his own place, you know?

Sigh. The private conversation was a really bad idea. The whole thing came to a head that night. There was a big fight between Y and M, and some really bad bitchy things were said that made both parties cry, then Y’s boyfriend got involved, then S and I got involved…it was all just very very WRONG. There was already some not so good feelings between the two boyfriends, but this incident got worse. It was all just so bad that I tried to escape to my basement abode. I eventually got called on it for being a bit of a pussy for not being in the fray and not dealing with the issue, so I came back. It was BAD. Tensions were high in the household for a few days. I rued the fact that this new living situation was supposed to be a new beginning where good things would happen. It just didn’t seem that way. I think this rough start set the tone in a very low level way that I never was able to change as long as we all lived together.

Things got more livable though as time passed. They still had their projects together while I was often alone. We still went out as a house now and then, but more often than not I was just there. I cooked often back then, and the volume of stuff that I cooked was frequently large. I think it was an attempt to socialize by tempting them all to come eat with me. It worked sometimes. Others…well, I felt a bit lonely when there was no one to share my hard work with.

I do believe that this term was also the first time my relationship with S started to go into weird territory. Looking back, we had very different personalities. I was a lot more open and often wore my emotions on my sleeve. He was more reserved. I had no problem telling people that I cared about them, or that I loved them and valued their friendship. My big problem back then seemed to be that I all to often placed that same expectation on other people. When they didn’t reciprocate, I felt bad. I think that’s what started happening with him. I told him a lot about how I valued his friendship. I think it was all so very awkward for him. I suppose I don’t blame him for thinking so. I can go into some examples where he simply *had* to assert his masculinity to deal with awkwardness, but I won’t because that would be inappropriate. Whenever I joked about him surfing for porn on his spare time, he got mad at me. I joked about other personal business type things and it just made him madder. Perhaps it was my way of getting his attention or getting a reaction. I dunno. It was all so long ago, you know? Anyway, I think this all started a cycle of resentment that snowballed as time went on. I suppose it will all become clearer as I type about subsequent terms, but for now let’s say that things started getting uncomfortable.

School was a bit of an eye-opener. I was a bit apprehensive about returning. What would people think? It mattered, I guess. The first class was in the computer tutorial lab. I looked around and didn’t really see anyone familiar. Then again, most people were sitting at the stations so it was hard to see everyone around. Soon, the matronly instructor was doing her thing, and eventually got to a point where she was mentioning that there were a lot of people joining that class from the upper year. There was some murmuring over that from the new class. During that moment I suddenly felt like it was all a joke and was generally jovial and laughing at it all. People were looking over at the unfamiliar guy, surmising that I was one of the flunkies. I don’t think I cared. In Calculus class, during a tutorial, it was easier to see just who came with me. I remember there were a good handful. When we saw our old prof from the previous term, we all cheered “Prof. Zoran! HEY!” I don’t think he knew how to react. I’d imagine he would have been happy to see us under other circumstances, know what I mean? I got to know some of those that came with me. It’s kind of interesting how I probably would not have gotten to know any of them if we had continued on with our old class. However, they were, and still are very wonderful people.

One of the first people I got to know was Duong. After class he invited me to go eat at a Viet restaurant in the plaza next to school. I’d never had Vietnamese food. I’m very glad he introduced me to that. Man, looking back, and thinking about how I felt back then, I must have been like a total social newbie. Something as simple as chatting over big bowls of beef rice noodle soup was really very novel, and quite thrilling. Perhaps it was just the fact of meeting new people and forging connections when I feared that I wouldn’t make any new ones. It was a big relief. Soon, I got to know more people in my boat. If I remember correctly, this is where I first met Keith. I really don’t remember the circumstances, but I do know we did some labs together in the computer labs.

We (being the people from the old class who joined this new class), collectively but jokingly, labelled ourselves “Abort, Retry, Fail”, or ARF. We really formed a mini community within a community. The new class was had a very different feel from the old one. It’s really true that groups have collective personalities. I can’t really describe the difference between the old class and the new class, because I honestly can’t remember. Perhaps it’s just that this new class was kind of whiny. They got away with a lot of easier courses and such, mostly because there was often much complaining. Hell if I know how they managed to do it, but they did. I suppose in the end it helped me out a little bit. Of course, I can’t use that as the only reason I made it through that time. I actually made it to class pretty often that time around. I was in fear of screwing up completely and being kicked out. Learning things over again would have been really easy, if it were not for the fact that I had missed way too many classes before. Funny how that works. I was very relieved to see that I had passed the term. I felt like I finally realized just how tough things could get if I didn’t work hard enough. It’s a good lesson to learn.

I think that’s all I care to talk about with regards to Winter 2002. I may add more later on, but I think that’s it for now.

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Undergrad, Spring 2001

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Mon. May 1, 2006

This is the next entry in the series of posts regarding my undergrad experience. I originally didn’t really consider going term by term, but instead to go year by year. Although, when I saw the lengths of the previous two posts, well, I thought that there was no way I’d encapsulate four months in a relatively sane amount of space. Even now, these long posts aren’t covering all of what I was thinking and feeling. All in all though, it really doens’t matter. At least the main points are out.

Spring 2001
Besides the stress of the horrid job from the previous term, there was also much worrying about what to do about C. In the end, after some phone calls, he decided that he couldn’t live with us anymore. I do remember telling him over the phone flat out that if he continued to live there, there would be continued problems in the apartment. In retrospect, it was blunt, and perhaps sudden. I kind of feel bad thinking about it, because it’s like you’re basically telling someone that they’re not wanted. At the time though, it just seemed right.

Funny, the idea of “it just seemed right” seems to be popping up a lot as I type these. I guess it’s an indicator that I’m more ruled by my emotions than anything. Good thing? Bad thing? Well, regardless, it’s who I am.

Anyway, back to the story. In order for him to move out, C had to break the contract he signed with the landlord. To do so, he had to pay a penalty. I know. He paid to not live with us. Wow. When put that way, it’s a bit surprising to think that we were really that bad. I dunno. Every side has a different story, and if you were to ask him about what happened we’d probably end up on the bad end of things. But I digress (yet again). I guess S and I had a conscience problem, so we paid up some money to him to help him with that penalty. I suppose paying him off just seems wrong, doesn’t it? However, I think that we had to since he was making that kind of sacrifice, yeah? His room was vacant for the longest time. We ended up using it as our recycling pile. Things piled up pretty quickly. With him gone, it meant that I had the bathroom all to myself. R was kind of a no show that term. He technically still had his room rented out. It’s just that he barely spent any time there. Truth is, I think he failed the previous term really really badly. All S and I knew was that he wasn’t attending class like he normally would be expected to. Of course, with him barely there, S kind of had a bathroom all to himself as well.

Hmm. So, with the apartment to ourselves, I think we started bonding pretty quickly. We became close friends, I guess. We got along really well. We ventured over to the girls’ townhouse often since he had often had projects with them. He was in a similar program and shared a lot of classes with them; I didn’t: I just tagged along because I needed to socialize. It was at the townhouse that I met some future friends like K. In my mind, he almost seemed like a brother to me, although probably not. I guess I’d never lived with someone like that for so long other than my parents.

Soon, we were joined by a third party in the apartment. In the third month, the landlord rented out our recycling room. When someone came by to announce it, S was out of the apartment. Unfortuntely, that meant I was the only one there to haul things out. That was tough. The guy, Kevin, was an exchange student from Beijing. He seemed nice enough, but it seemed odd to have him come in so late in the game. On thing I remember about the guy htough is that he didn’t pay S for the last share of the utilities. Heheh.

School was a bitch. The summer sun was beating down on the town really hard that year. Walking to class was a daily ordeal. Every day as I passed by, I watched the grass slowly go from verdant beauty, to dry hay, to bare dirt. By the time I got to school, I was drenched in sweat. Of course, I ended up napping. Obviously not a good thing since I missed a lot of important lessons. This was the term in the program that we had an equivalent of six courses. So, the workload was higher than usual.

During marked computer tutorials, I was paired up with someone who was higher up in the class marks-wise (not through my choice). He went through questions with ease, while I just stared blankly at the screens wondering what the hell was going on. I just nodded and went along with things. I’m sure he thought of me as pretty useless, and you know what? He was probably right. I tried doing some questions on my own, but without any knowledge on how to do it, I just failed miserably.

During another class, I was paired up with a girl named Yesha. We worked on the labs together in class, but when it came to writing the reports, I don’t think I do a single thing. Poor her. I was an absolutely useless partner. She always said that she had old reports to work off of, so she was OK. However, I’m sure that she just wanted me to take care of some parts of it. I just didn’t. Laziness? I can’t think of any other reason, so yeah, that’s likely it. Oh, I’m sure I got a bad reputation among her friends about it, but honestly I don’t think I was in class enough to really care.

The oppressive heat got to me eventually. I eventually gave up and stopped going to class. I just lay in bed, in the sweltering apartment, and sweat the afternoon away. The apartment wasn’t air conditioned, so everything was just so damned humid and hot. To put it lightly, life sucked! Moments of happiness came when I was socializing with S, or playing video games with R when he was around. Otherwise…that term sucked.

Soon, exams came around, and I was in a panic. I had to play catch up in a major way. Before doing so though, my parents came by to move some stuff back early. S told me to send my Physics text book back because he had his that I could borrow. So, I did. When the time came to cram for Physics, I asked him for the text. He started looking for it, and in a panic, he suddenly realized that he had sent it home with his brother earlier.

I cried.

Exams were already quite tough on me. Now this. He managed to snag an old copy of the text from the library, but it wasn’t quite the same. Still, I vowed to not fail the course. When the exam rolled around, I did my best with what limited knowledge I had. By the end, several people in the class were bemoaning the tough exam. “See you in this class next year” they exclaimed. I laughed on the outside, but in the inside, I ached. I don’t blame S (entirely) for my poor showing. It was just a big kick in the teeth.

In the end, I didn’t fail any of my courses at all. However, technicalities can be a pain in the ass. Will elaborate perhaps in the next entry.

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